give myself a time frame? 

i don't know. 

it seems to be the right thing to do. 

but why am i hesitating? 

i'm feeling tired, literally. 

i need my sleep. 

"sleeping pills."

first time in my life I'm resorting to this.
I need my sleep too badly.
body is failing me.
goodnight.

shut off.

disabling all kinds of contact until tomorrow.
I need time of my own to think.
goodbye.

Trust. It's Everyone's Problem.

Is there any girls who doesn't have trust issues? 

i highly doubt there is. 

because even a girl like me do. 

well, maybe 10years ago, i won't but not now, not anymore, not in the future. 

having been cheated on, both emotionally and physically, there's no way i'm gonna NOT have trust issues. 

E set rules and regulations for me. to me, it's pretty normal. i can accept them but on one condition, which i've told him before. and that is whatever expectations that he set on me, he MUST be able to do them all in return. to me, being in a relationship it take two hands to clap. i seek for fairness in a relationship though i find it not exactly very fair for myself but still, when it comes to love, almost all girls are stupid and silly. 

people asked me, E set rules and regulations etc on me, why is it that i obey? or is it because he doesn't trust me? or he feels insecure? yes, i do obey. not because i'm a maid/slave/dog or whatever you think. i respect him as my boyfriend and i listen to him because i don't want him to get upset because i care about how he feels. no, he doesn't have trust issues with me because basically i tell him EVERYTHING, good or bad, happy or sad. i hide NOTHING from him. i'm completely transparent with him. and yes, maybe he feels insecure for the amount of guy friends i have around me in my entire life but to ease his securities, i've stopped contacting a lot of guy friends. it's common and i understand about jealousy etc etc so i do my part to not contact them or anyone whom he's probably uncomfortable with. have i not done my part? have i not been understanding and nice? 

people only know we argue/quarreled and probably the nasty sides of me. that's because i'm being who i am. whatever emotions i have, it's clearly stated on my face. what you see is what you get. i could fake a smile when i'm unhappy but not when i'm really angry. i use vulgarities to vent my anger and i think it's normal for anyone in this world who's angered. but that's not fine when it comes to E. 

i don't trust E. i really don't. i should be the one who's feeling very insecure, having all my doubts and throwing my temper etc etc. but a lot of times i choose not to say anything. so yes, bottling up everything doesn't help. things won't go away and i won't trust him more either. 

yes, very surprisingly, things are actually opposite from what people see. i'm the one who doesn't trust E and E is the one who set rules and etc. 

he didn't cheat on me, as far as i know. (even if he did maybe i don't know but don't let me find out) but he lied and hide things from me. knowing myself, and i did told him before to be completely honest with me no matter what issues are they. and he had to, he just had to go on doing things that will make me unhappy even though he KNOW they will. it's always better to be told the truth than to find out the truth. and sadly, i wasn't told the truth but finds out the truth myself, not once but many times. so being a normal girl, does anyone of you feels it's wrong when i keep doubting? truths that were supposed to be told, to be honest with yet i wasn't.

with all the things that i found out, i can't even trust his friends. not all but certain people around him. i hate the thoughts of him being around with those people who cheats. if he's not my boyfriend, i won't have this issue but i'm sorry he is. unless he decide to break up with me and find a new girlfriend if not this is gonna remain. i don't even trust him much less to mention to trust him when it comes to meeting people who are like this. finding out truth is bad enough. i cannot imagine what he will become under the influence of all these cheaters. 

imagine in the past, i allow guys trip for him but now, i don't even trust him to go anywhere with anybody other than his family. can anyone imagine the impact he left on me? i have never felt so lousy about myself before. but this is the amount of trust i have on him. he lost them all. i'm not unreasonable. there are things that happened between us that i do not say and those are the things that created the impact on me which result to my reactions now. i always tell him 'with an action, there's a reaction so if you can't handle my reaction, think twice about your actions before you do it' and i suppose he never do. 

how do you trust one person when you are trying so hard to make yourself trust again yet the next thing you know is, you find out another truth? to me it's like " finally this roller coaster ride is coming to an end then suddenly it speed up all the way to the highest peak and i experience another free fall. " how do you keep having faith and believe one person when they keep doing this on a repeat. even the strongest girl in this world will not be able to take it.

no doubt before i'm with E, i was in a shit relationship for years. i got cheated on and lied to in every ways you can think of. but to be with E, i trusted him at first. i really do. but he breached them too much that somehow i'm finding it hard to get back on my feet again. it doesn't mean that having gone through shit in the past means i could go through another shit. i don't want to lead the life that i used to have when i was with a shit hole. i don't want to be who i was back then. there was a reason why i left him finally and i don't want to go back to the reason why i didn't left him. 

and now, when i doubt, i'm blamed for not being understanding. hur. this is a joke, seriously. everything seems to be a joke. this relationship seems to be a joke too. 

somehow E made me realised, i was never as important as he is to me. 

he doesn't care about how i feel when he do things. and those are the obvious things that if he do, i'll be unhappy and he knows it. 

i don't understand why. 

there are so many times i can't help but to question myself how much is this love worth in my eyes? is it so worthy for me to lose myself to this relationship? or rather, losing myself to someone who doesn't give a shit about how i feel no matter how many times i fight with him about it. 

leopard never change its spots, so true. 

now tell me, what have i done to deserve all these?

Happy Birthday Eddy!

Pretty Eddy!

I met up with him for lunch and check-in the hotel with him first.

The living room!

The bed!

Bath room!

Shower and tub!

The pazio that we didn't use.

Busy putting the champagne into the fridge!

Addressing to him.

Toilet!

He join me. haha.

what's this?

lubricant and condom. LOL

instructions on how to use them.

View from their mini pool!

I can see MBS here!

Swissotel!

Ready to swim!

decorated with balloons!

Champagne party must have champagne balloon!

Wall.

Nerd chunli. LOL

Brownie as birthday cake!

school boy with chun li.

school boy with the girls.

one more.

and more.

i love L & myself at the back. LOL

oh shit, i'm left alone. 

the boys.

Wahahaha lucas's leg!!

opening his first present!

TADAH, wheels. 

hahaha

surprise!

he and the bobbies girls.

preparing him!

LOL

siao char bor.

one of his task.

promoting armpit shaver to one stranger. LOL

pornstar poses. LOL

rehearsing for super bass. 

Okay, I'm lazy too update my blog. -.-

This post is a month late. 

So, it was Eddy's birthday last month on 30th.

he booked a hotel room at bugis/city hall area named Naumi. 

he booked the pazio executive room which was not bad. 

situated on the 4th level of the hotel, with a pazio, that's all.

the swimming pool is a mini infinity pool which was at the highest floor, 10th floor overlooking swissotel, and can see a bit of MBS. haha. 

we were asked to dress according to the theme as geek/nerd/mismatched. 

i dressed as a nerd mismatched chunli. 

we went out for dinner at marina square's cafe cartel. 

for some reason, we were just feeling tired and restless while waiting for food. LOL

i guess the over-excitement from hotel to marina square burnt our energy. 

but i swear i was feeling super embarrassed at the beginning cause other than dressing up for party/halloween, i don't even do that!

okay, i admit, i'm too old for all this dressing up party. -.- 

but all in all, we all had fun! hahaha

though we got chased out cause there were too many of us. 

i stayed with them until about 1-1:30am? 

poor Boyfriend was waiting for me at home. 

eddy was asked to do a lot of task etc before he eventually could get his birthday present. 

i hope this going to be 30 old man is happy on his last 2 birthday!

apart from all these, life has not been that fantastic. 

i don't know if i should love 2012 or hate 2012.

too many things happened and somehow i guess, i'm not as happy as before.

i've been questioning myself lately, 'when was the last time i smiled happily and unknowingly?' 

i really don't know. 

i'll update soon.

take care everyone.

Not The First Time.

you always think you're right.
you always think I think I'm right.
you always think I'm picking a fight.
you always think I'm finding fault with you.
you always think everything you do is okay.
you always think that whatever you do is 'okay wad'.

but no.
I've asked a few girls.
what you think and do is fucking not right.

spending the whole of last week's weekdays on your game I already never say anything ( I think I'm very kind to obey my 'you can play during weekdays when I not with you' when I was staying at your house ) but too bad you crossed the line on weekend.

I don't care whether or not are you watching EURO but fact is even when you can't fucking stream the channel you still play the game. for all I know, I slept way earlier than you everyday.
you start playing game after dinner, no?
you want to play or watch or whatsoever, you make sure you have enough rest. if you don't have enough rest, I really don't expect myself to be facing a 'tired' you. just like you said you don't like me giving you a black face cause I'm tired.

we agreed that weekend we are supposed to spend time with each other.
but look at what you're doing. - diablo.
you said you won't neglect me but end up what were you doing the whole time? - diablo.
yeah you gave me that few seconds of attention cause I was looking at you and you ask 'why? what?' you call that attention?
and end up you ask me 'why am I suppose to spend time with you?'. - this is what I get from such a lovely boyfriend. bravo.

we were supposed to go back to my house but end up you kept playing your game, dragged the time and knowing I won't wanna go back late you ask me at 8+ 'you still wanna go home?'
so now you know how to play with time and fucked me around is it?

just because I kept quiet, doesn't mean I'm okay with what you're doing.
if I make noise you say I get angry easily.
if I kept quiet, you said I never tell you.
can you be anymore selfish than now?

all you think about is you yourself and you. it's not me and you, we or us.

you just always never spare a thought for me.
you just always never think about how I will feel.
you just always never remember anything you said before.
you just always never mean what you said/did.

you're always right in your opinion.

you expect me to put myself in your position. but have you ever put yourself in mine?

yeah, I put myself in your position.
of course I would be happy to do what I wanna do.
of course I wouldn't want my girlfriend to stop me or get angry with me with game stuffs.
of course I'll be glad if she could join me in the game.

but you've never put yourself in my position.
since you don't then I'll tell you, as usual. (cause you don't give a fuck about how I feel.)

so now game is more important than me?
so now game could cause you to break our agreement to spend time with each other and allowing you to ask me this fucking stupid, moronic and idiotic question of 'why am I suppose to spend time with you?'
so now game replaced my position?
so now, you're telling me I'm nothing compared to your motherfucking game?
so now cause of your game you decided to say I'm unreasonable when you yourself is indeed and in fact spending so much time on it?
so now you wanna continue to pissed me off, argue with me and quarrel with me over something that's not even existing in real life? something that you can't even have physical contact with?

you said it was just a game.
then why is it that you want me to stop clubbing and I could do it but when I want you to do something for me, you always find me excuses?

this is just gonna be another beginning.
I will not stop doing things for you anymore since you won't do that for me.

you expect me to be selfless when you're so selfish?

honestly?
bullshit and fuck you.

Serious Thoughts.

Times like this are times I hate the most. 

To think about what should I do to this realistic situations. 

Everyone hope for a fairytale life, a fairytale love and those happily ever after endings. 

But this is not what it is in real life. 

I'm caught in between.

Between getting back to who I used to be and choosing to be with who I love. 

I love E, that's for sure. 

But I love myself too. I want myself to be happy too. 

E makes me happy, no doubt.

But he makes me unhappy too and it's happening too frequently these days. 

I'm unhappy. This is a fact.

I don't understand his unnecessary actions and I will never understand why he never for once put himself in my position and think about how I will feel before he do anything and despite me telling him so many times before. 

He keeps asking me to change, change my temper change my attitude etc etc. 

Sometimes I feel, all I need to do is maybe just change a boyfriend. 

I don't know how many times do I have to tell or say him before I eventually get what I hope to see in him. 

I don't know how many times do we have to argue or quarrel just because he keep doing the same damn thing. 

I don't know how many times do we have to get into cold wars just because he pissed me off, didn't managed to coax me and I don't feel good and I refuse to speak. 

I don't know how many times does he have to tell me ' you need to control your temper. ' when all I know is that my temper was well controlled these days and I only erupt when it comes to him. 

I don't know how many times does he have to tell me ' you need to stop getting angry so easily. ' when I only get angry with him because he just refuse to think about how I will feel before he do anything. 

Why do I have to put someone who doesn't spare a thought for me when he's doing something as my  priority? 

Why do I have to tolerate him ALWAYS telling me ' I forgot ' whenever he fails to spare a thought for me? 

I believe I deserve a lot more attentiveness from a guy. 

I believe there's someone out there who will be able to give me the kind of attentions and needs that I need. 

I'm questioning myself.

Do I really need to have a partner with me? 

I don't know. Maybe and a yes or no. 

And if it's a don't know, why?

If it's a maybe, why?

If it's a yes, why?

If it's a no, why? 

I just feel really tired that things are just like being put on a repeat. 

It's not me who repeatedly doing the things but I'm repeatedly being unhappy about the same kind of things. 

Yet I get blamed for being not able to control my temper, and I get angry easily and I don't tolerate well enough? 

I think my tolerance level is super high already. 

Given it to any other girls whose tolerance level is just normal, I think the amount of arguments and quarrels could have doubled or tripled. 

It's not difficult to make me happy. 

I just wanted him to always put himself in my position to feel what I will feel, is it that difficult? 

He expects me to spare a thought for him but yet he never did. 

And when I get angry he will tell me all those things. 

Honestly, for what piss me off in the first place?
You can't handle my anger then don't let that happen, isn't it simple?! 

Having your partner to shake off your hands just because his friends is around is something NO ONE will ever like. 

Stop being so fucked up and I'll stop being a bitch. 

It's a two-way thing. It takes two hands to clap.

Really, what the fuck was that for?

I really don't understand.

11:19pm.

it's raining now.

and I'm thinking of E.

we had a slight argument a moment ago.

he said he's sick of my questioning and asking and suspecting etc.

I feel the rain.

it's just like my heart.

crying.

I guess a sick person gets emotional even more. especially when PMS join in.

why is it that he just don't seems to get that as long as he make me trust him entirely, things will all be alright?

why is it that he have to breach my trust just when I'm about to trust him completely, ALL the time?

I'm scared.

scared of finding out truths.

scared of knowing he's hiding things from me.

scared of the end result is something I don't want.

I'm scared.

because I can't trust.

not just towards him but almost everyone else.

I'm scared end of the day, because I can't trust, I'm losing myself too.

I'm tired of not having someone I could trust completely. ):

Daily Thoughts.

just like any other days.
as I'm going home..

I always tend to ask myself a lot of questions.
especially when E is not with me.

like..
what is he doing now?
has he eaten his dinner?
what did he have for dinner today?
is he going anywhere later?
if he is then who will he be going out with?
who is he talking to?
what has he been doing today?
etc etc..

I don't know why but I've been like this.
somehow I guess it's the insecurities that he caused from hiding things from me previously.

sometimes I wish I was stupider so I won't end up having my sixth sense proven right.
but I guess the past relationship with Z has taught me to be this smart in relationship.
I've learn to see people's eyes to find out the truth. because Z was such a good liar back then and I was such a fool.

now that I've learnt how to.. it hurts so much each time I found out the truth.
truth hurts. but I rather be told of it than to find out myself.

because finding out myself will only make me feel more insecure towards E. I rather be the first person he tell everything to than to be the last person to find out what things were.

somehow I need to get myself out of this. I can't stay on like this. telling myself to be positive is not gonna help when all E did was nothing.

he's done a good job in making happier. but he's also done a pretty good job in making me feel insecure.

I'm upset. tears keep swelling around my eyes when I think of stuffs but I kept telling myself to hold them back.

don't know how long can I hold anymore.
I just want to worry about nothing and be happy.

Why..

Somehow I cannot remember when was the last time I never ask you ' really meh? '.

Seems like it's difficult for me to fully trust again.
I really hate PMS.
Because that's the time I start to thinking a lot, about the past, the present and the future.
The good, the not so good and the bad.

My mind is so tired.
Haven't slept over the weekend cause I was sleeping on other's bed and only managed to catch some rest last night at E's place.
It's always good to be sleeping next to him.
Because that's the only time I probably won't think so much as he's next to me.
That's probably the only time when my mind is in peace and can finally rest.

This issue has been in me for long enough but I just can't seems to let my mind free from all the thoughts and it's getting exhausted.

Suddenly tears is overwhelming and I feel like crying. I hate this feeling.
Been trying so hard not to think negatively but somehow negativity just hit me.
My heart feels so heavy. It's like a million pieces of rocks are pulling me down.
Feel so suffocated.

I just hope this week will be over with a blink of an eye.
It's Monday but I already feel like I'm in hell.
Grrrrrrr. ):

I'm feeling so fat and ugly.
I need to go on diet.
Lose all my fat thighs and arms and tummy.
Omg, society's 'skinniness' has officially put a stress on me.
Feel like killing myself.

PMS?

is it true that when you're having pms you're thinking a lot and feeling a lot?

somehow maybe it's true.
so much emotions in me now.
and it's all so negative.

I'm in need of so much attention and affection right now. ):

Pieces Of Me..

It was haunting me again last night. 

When was the last time it actually visited me. 

Oh, not that long now that I come to think about it. 

On that day when I found out about that rocketmail logged on your computer. 

And that face you showed me when I questioned you.

The face that was trying so hard to hide things from me but to no avail because I opened up that inbox and saw what was inside. 

Disappointed was the only word that could describe my feelings. 

How many times do you have to breach my trust for you? 

How many a times you need my tears to keep haunting me? 

I'm unhappy for all I know.

And you've never in any ways try to make me feel better. 

Why is it that you choose when to make me happy? 

Why is it that you can't keep things on a constant and let that live forever the same way? 

I'm tired of keeping up with your pace and following your steps. 

You just keep walking and walking without taking a look at me who's behind you, trying so hard to follow every of your steps so that I could be near you, trying so hard to keep up with you so that I don't lose you. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired. 

The smile on my face is fading.

You're making it fade. 

Stop giving me all the short-lived happiness and give me something real and solid. 

If you can't give me what I need, why do you even bother to reassure me that you will and trying so hard to make things work when I wanted to give up? 

Don't do this to me. 

The Vow.

• Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they’re not, and to live within the warmth of your heart — and always call it home.

• Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. I vow to love you, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other.

I watched this movie with E on Saturday's night in Malaysia. But he slept half way. ): 

I love the movie! So super sweet and it's really touching. 

' What will you do if I don't remember you? ' I asked E. 

' I've never thought about such things before. So don't ask. ' E replied and he gave me a hug. 

You get what I mean? 

The happiness he gave me is only when we spend the weekends together or whenever we're together. When we're apart, he never once tried to make me feel the same other than asking me to be more understanding towards the situation. Why can't he just stay the same? There's like 5 weekdays and 2 weekends. Out of this 7days, only the weekends he's treating me differently. Wtf?

Sigh, if only everyday is like when we're having the weekend together or when we're going on trip. I guess I would be really happy then. 

For now, I guess somehow he thinks that we're together for long enough and doesn't need to do what other couples are doing, spending time together etc. But he just keep forgetting that I'm someone who needs things to be constant. I hate changes. 

Update soon about Malaysia trip. 

Upset.

Hi my diary, 

I've not been feeling happy since I heard of the news on Monday. 

I'm frustrated, angry, upset and disappointed. 

Frustrated because E is gonna have every chance to see the two person I detest the most in this company every fucking day. I can't do no shit about this because I'm not the one who arrange them to go over. But he could have just find another job, probably better paying and leave that place.

Angry because E only kept telling me he don't know what to do when all he should do is tell the two fucking person to stay away from him. But now, he choose not tell them and he got me all angry and upset. 

Upset because after all my grumbling etc, all E did was ' I'm tired, I wanna sleep. ' when he has been busy the first two days of this weekdays, I didn't bother him or complain that he didn't have time to talk to me, like the way I used to but when he finally did on Wednesday (And I'm already all hot, pissed and unhappy due to the neglegence he gave me the past two days), I lost my cool because I was all moody. He told me finally he's free and less stress from work and I gave him responses that makes him doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Was I wrong to tell him that all the negligence he gave me since after Valentine's day whenever we're at work is making me getting used to him not being around me? Was I wrong to tell him that he's making me getting used to not needing him? It's a fact that it's not the first time he neglected me like this already, was I wrong to tell him that? From the day I kept complaining about him neglecting me, the times I kept asking for his attention and the times I kept throwing tantrums just because he isn't giving me the attention that I want and needed till today, I don't even ask for his attention anymore. I don't throw tantrums on him anymore. I don't even finds it weird that I don't see him for a week already. Tell me now, is this all okay and healthy in a relationship? I'm unhappy. I don't want this but he always just brush it off by telling me he's tired, he doesn't want to quarrel so he change the topics etc but I'm still unhappy, the problem still exist and I'm just not gonna be happy at all, AND HE JUST DON'T GET THAT. That day, he replied me with an 'ok' after I tell him what his negligence did to me. To me, in my head at the back of my mind, ' WTF IS THIS REACTION. YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL NOW IS IT?!' So I told him, sometimes his reply makes me not want to talk to him anymore. And there, he said he was talking to me nicely etc and my responses makes me doesn't want to talk me anymore. GREAT. VERY WELL DONE, E. You're indirectly telling me that whatever I said was wrong. You, neglecting me is correct. You, making me feel like I don't need you is correct. You, everything you said is correct? Sure. You just further pissed me off. I ended the conversation by telling him 'Don't talk then don't talk'. Those who knows me well would probably expected me to react like this. I'm pissed, I really am. Too many things pissed me at the same time. He didn't contact me the whole of yesterday, bravo. Further proved me right that he thinks he's right and I'm wrong. FUCK YOU. If I was still the old me, I'm sure the next thing he's getting from me is ignorance. But because I promised him that I will not ignore him no matter how angry I am, I kept to my promise and reply him whenever he text me or talk to me. He have no fucking idea how much I wanted to ignore him. Because given my character, I HATE, I repeat, I HATE any forms of contact with the person I'm angry with. But I'm keeping my promise. He have no fucking idea how he's killing this love I have for him with his replies and attitude towards me. Just because I'm loving him more than before doesn't give him the rights to make me upset more than before. He changed, I do too. DON'T, I said, DON'T kill this feeling I have for him now. Because when he lose it this time, he's losing it forever. I'm not threatening him but stating a fact. I just need one more mistake, one more huge mistake he make and I will take my leave. If I can do it to Z, I'm sure I can do it to him. Instead of being in a relationship that doesn't make me happy, I rather I suffer in heartache. 

Disappointed because E treat it like nothing happen the next day, which is today. I have no idea how long can I tolerate this. But somehow or rather this is breaking me up slowly. I've cried in some nights for the past 1.5 months. Because I was upset, I felt that whatever changes I make, E feels that it's my duty. Because now that I finally love E, he's being so fucked up at times. He kept telling me ' that's the reason why I wanted you to change. If not we won't work out. ' THEN WHY. Why when I feel that we won't work out, when I wanted to give up and let go despite the pain that I might feel, he pulled me back. There are times when I felt like I couldn't stand myself making changes anymore that I rather to give up on him than to keep making those changes.. But he pulled me back. If he have the will to pull me back, why can't he have the heart to treat me differently? Was it because he know I have a soft spot for him? Was it because he knows that I can tolerate shits? No doubt that he makes me the happiest. But he's also the one who makes me feel the lousiest, shittiest and saddest. Oh how disappointed will I get in the end? I have no idea. 

The happiness he gave me was all short-lived. Temporary. Just like maybe over the weekend. Or when we're on a trip. But that's not what I want. I'm tired of all these ' he-thinks-we're-doing-well ' shits. I'm tired of him being the one who say how well is this relationship doing. Fact is, HE is a MAN and I'M a WOMAN. He doesn't understand that I need him to be physically here with me in order to keep us going. He feels that things for us now is better than before. No, to me it's not. As simple as that. I hope to trust him more but he breached my trust too many a times and sometimes whatever he say/do makes me suspect him more. He makes me feel like I'm unimportant. He makes me feel like I'm replaceable. He makes me feel like being with him, it's one of the most tiring thing to do. He makes me super unhappy. 

They say ' No reason to stay is a good reason to go '. 

Am I suppose to let go before it's too late? 

Or am I suppose to hold on and wait for him to make some changes? 

I want a future with him, we talked so much about future. 

But with the way he's treating this relationship and me, how am I gonna last a lifetime being like this? I will get tired eventually and I will let go eventually. 

Unless he's able to make things different from now. 

I need to feel different constantly. I need to know he's willing to make sacrifices for me. I need his reassurance all the time. 

Because for him, I'm willing to give up everything to make him feel different. And I need him to do the same for me. 

I don't want to be an ordinary girl in his life. 

I want to be the one and only special girl. 

Yes, I'm demanding but this is what I need in a relationship to keep it going. 

I NEED TO FEEL SPECIAL.

FUCKING SPECIAL. 

Dear Diary..

E talked to me today.. 

I mean he talks to me everyday but he talks more today. 

I guess he could feel that I'm upset.. 

He told me he want to see me and want to cuddle with me in bed tonight. 

And he told me he will eat the cake that I baked last night. 

Everything seems to be a nightmare the past two weeks. 

Am I waking up soon? 

I don't know, but I feel that everything is just temporary. 

I don't like this. 

Really don't like.. ): 

The changes in me and the future for us.

Will there be a day that you give me all your time? 

I don't like it when I feel like I'm being left alone. 

I dread going to work nowadays because that's the place I feel so ever alone. 

Know you're online and you're not talking/replying to me. 

I never like that feeling. 

I feel like I'm back to the me who was with Z. 

The me who care too much, worry too much and think too much.

I've been feeling too down lately. 

Feeling too upset. 

Half the time my eyes are watery and warm.

The other half of the time they're tired and swollen. 

I'm feeling tired, mentally and physically. 

Losing the attention and time I used to have and I don't like it. 

E suggested to stay together so that at least we have the night for each other since during the day time he's so busy with work. I don't know why but part of me is reluctant to do that. I guess I'm affected with the fact that he used to keep telling me that I'm living off him at his place made me not want to go to his house to stay. I told him to stay at mine instead and he asked why. I told him because of what he said last time and he laughed it off. Is it that funny? I don't think it is. 

Queen knows about me not wanting to go to his house to stay and she's being understanding to let him stayover now. He wasn't allowed to stayover at my place last time when my family is at home cause Queen said Stepdad would mind. But after all that happened, she gave the green light. 

Queen told me to take turns to stay at each other's place. I shook my head. She asked why and I said I don't want. Something's amiss and she sensed that. She didn't questioned but she just said '一定是有什么事，不然你不可能这样。看你那死样子，以前都不会这样!' Yeah, she knows me best. I just don't like to be told I'm living off someone. 

Had a talk with Sharon early today.. 

All about money..

Talking about our degree course, houses next time, the renovation fees, furniture, wedding, wedding photoshoots etc etc. Just thinking about it, the amount is huge enough.. 

Then I realised, I'm not that young anymore.. 

And I realised, I'm ready to settle down now. 

Subconsciously, I've somehow prepared myself for the future, just that I'm unsure of myself last time. 

Being quite a family-oriented person, I know it myself that I can't never live being alone without my family. And me being me, I've somehow considered E as part of my family since don't know when. 

Sharon and I both know that we have a dream to have our own cosy home. 

We both know what we want and we know how we should do things to make it happen. 

My days of playing is over and now it's time for my future.

I've played enough and now it's time to build my future. 

It's time to take note of BTOs, Wedding Packages, Wedding banquet, Honeymoon places etc etc. 

This is a phase in life. 

And I'm at the stage whereby everything, everybody around me is settling down. 

And it affects me. 

I'm no longer 18,19. 

I need a brighter future for my future. 

Not staying stagnant and doing nothing big enough to let me shine. 

Money cannot buy everything but money can fulfill your dreams. 

And I only know, without money, life's worse than being dead. 

Goodbye nightlife.

Goodbye playing time.

Goodbye luxuries.

We will meet next life. 

:)

You're tired, so am I.

Can't believe after everything that you've said and done to hurt me, I would still want you. 

Never thought I'd love another like this but I still did. 

Finally after almost 3years, I took up the courage to love like there's no tomorrow again..

But this love is hurting me. 

This love made me stop believing.

This love made me lose faith.

This love made me lose myself.

This love has taken its toll on me. 

I'm tired trying to put on a smile in front of you. 

I'm tired trying to be so independent.

I'm tired only having myself to be with everyday.

I'm tired of you telling me you're busy and you have no time.

I'm tired of you keep telling me you're tired, especially when we're on the phone.

I'm tired of me having to be the thick-skinned one to always ask for things. 

I'm tired trying to keep up with who you want me to be.

I'm trying.. Trying to love you right, giving you the attention and love you want. 

I've been trying to be very understanding and patience about your work and the life you want. 

Stop making me lose what I have for you, will you?

It's tiring trying to keep what I have now when all you do is making me doubt.

I just want a love that I can put all my trust into without having to worry or doubt anything. 

I don't want to compare but no, you're not the one I trusted the most among all my boyfriends. 

I'm trying to make you the one so please, don't make me lose anymore faith.

Lastly, I'm tired of crying. 

Really.

If this is what you meant.

If doing whatever you did was just for you to get back at me in the future, I rather I had nothing from you.

The amount of attention and time you're giving me, is worse than what a friend could give.

You asked me what have I given you in return for whatever you've done. I give up my friends. All my guy friends. I gave up my life. I gave up my time. I gave up everything that I once held so dearly to.

What have you given up?

V&W? What are they compared to my whole group of guys friends who are there to make smile when you make me cry? Who are they compared to the nightlife that I used to had?

You ask me not to expect too much from you just cause I ask you to cook a meal for me. You asked me to cook for you when I was having my time of the month and all I did was okay and I bear with the cramps just to make you dinner.

Everything I do or say, you keep thinking its fine doing it for you. But you never think its not fine when you're not doing it for me.

I get your message.

You're busy.

You don't wanna be disturb.

You're gonna concentrate on your career. (& I hate this sentence so fucking much cause this was the reason Z gave me when he asked for breakup.)

You have no time.

You're tired.

You won't do anything for me without anything in return.

If that's the case, I'll stop doing whatever I've been having in mind.

I'll stop making more plans with you.

I'll stop doing things for you.

I'll stop having you as a priority.

Because after all, I'm just still an option.

You never really think about how I will feel. To think I was still feeling guilty about how I treated you. I think maybe I had done things the right way all along.

My mind need to be less stubborn.

I'm in love. But this love is hurting.

Just like the one before.

You selfish idiots.

I'm taking back my love.

Principles Of Management.

I failed it.
I expected it though but I still feel quite fucked up.
It's my first paper that I fail thus far.
And taking Sup Paper makes it even harder.

100% exam based.
I'm screwed.
FML.

你难道不明白吗？

Why is it that you just have to argue with me about everything? Can't you just say things that please my ear for that moment?

Do you know the kind of insecurity in me that all my guy friends had inculcated in me? Why is it that you just can't make me trust you more? Why is it that you can't make me believe you more?

Why do you have to keep making me lost trust, just when I'm not believing?

当我有疑惑时，我要的不是你对我发脾气，也不是你对我说甜言蜜语，我要的只是你给我一种安慰，一种让我可以不用担忧的心情，一种可以让我今晚安眠入睡的心情。

为什么要一次又一次让我对你失去原有的信心？可以不要让我为了你再流泪吗？