Thoughts Of a 24 Year Old.

So, what does a 24y/o really feels? 

So I suppose this is gonna be a long post so yeah, if you're not ready to read, don't.

When I was 12y/o, I envy the adults. 

Because they get to travel and they get to do many things they like. 

I never really enjoy being at home all the time and just studying. (yes, my life was really just studying at the age of 12 cause I can't go out) 

I hear people talking about their sisters or brothers going overseas and enjoyed themselves etc etc. I envy them. 

Because I am the eldest at home and I don't get to have any siblings to share experiences like this with me. 

So anyway, thoughts of a 24y/o. 

I just turned 24. And I seriously feel very very lousy about myself. 

I could have finished studying my degree and is a degree holder by now. 

But no, I've been bumping around in life, wasting my time doing things that's not helping my future. 

Nobody wants to grow up, I'm sure. 

But when your age hit you on your birthday day, you're doom. 

Because this happens to me. 

I'm starting to panic about my life, my future and my forever. 

Too many things in life we need to make decisions and ponder over what may happen after we make a decision.
Okay, maybe for me at least.
There are a few factors in my life I consider important.
Let me just break them down slowly and talk about each issues that I'm having worries with.

#1

Since young, I should say my Queen pinned a lot of hopes on me. 

Because I'm someone who could study well and do well. I'm not that stupid when it comes to studying. But hell yes, I'm too strong headed and stubborn that it cause me to make wrong decisions in life. Out of impulse, because I want to break free from all my Queen's controlling, I forsake my education for a love that wasn't worthwhile. Well, many people would say every relationship is worthwhile and all the yadayada but nope, not in my eyes now. Maybe back then it was but now it's none other than just a very wrong move. We make mistakes. And my past for all that has happened, was MY mistakes. 

If I had continue my studies back then and not withdrawing from my poly, I wouldn't be struggling now. 

I want so much to continue my education to degree but hell no, I can't do it without my PR.

I'm really trying my best to get my PR ASAP. 

Because I have so many things in line of which I couldn't even start doing until I get my PR. 

But the first thing I'm gonna do after I get my PR is to enroll myself into my desired degree programme. That's my top priority now. Singapore is a paper society and it's kinda like a MUST that we have to constantly upgrade ourselves or else we would be eliminated from the society. 

Truth be told, this is reality.

As much as I seriously hate reality but there's no way we could avoid it. 

I've come to learn that in life, we need to make friends with reality so that we won't be hurt by reality because reality is cruel. As long as you're not friends with it, you're bound to be kill by it. 

So sad but true, this is life. 

#2

I grow up in a family full of mother love. My parents divorced and my mother remarried. But I had all the mother love that one ever needed from a mother. 

And I strongly believe that my Mom, played the part as a father as well. 

She's the one who discipline us, taught us about life and the value of it. 

She's the one who taught me how to iron my own clothes, wash my own school shoes, fold my own clothes, pack my own bag and any other housework that at the age of 9, not many would do. Yes, I know how to do a lot of housework which many of you don't know. All thanks to my mother. 

My mother had a hard life since I came over to Singapore and it only started to get better after I started working. 

But I still have two younger sisters to worry about. 

I can only say that my mother met the wrong guys all her life. 

My father was already a very big mistake. And yes, my step dad is not any better. 

My mother thought he was different but no, he was in fact, worse. He know nothing about life and he doesn't care about this family. All he cares about is gambling all day and night, getting himself into debts and making my step granny pay for him. 

No, I will never fork out a single cent for anyone who gamble. NEVER. 

I wish so much for my step aunt in hong kong to come back to Singapore, take my step granny away and leave my step dad to learn his lesson the hard way. 

But my mother always tell me to leave it. 

Can you imagine, a house full of ladies having to face the loan sharks etc? While when the one who is in debt just kept hiding in the room, ordering my granny's maid to continue buying 4D/ToTo for him? Useless piece of shit. 

I never had faith in guys, much less to believe in guys because of my own father and step dad. 

And now, other than my two younger sisters and my mother, I couldn't care less about anything else. Not even my step dad. 

I cannot afford to let the woman who used the whole of her life, loving me, teaching me, guiding me and being there for me to be upset all the time. 

Grandma said that every child have to return what your parents have done for you. But in my eyes, it's ' every child have to return what your mother has done for you. ' 

She went all out for me, and it's time I let her start to enjoy her life. 

She deserve so much more than just facing the walls at home. 

I love you mother.

It's just my pride and ego is too high a time I wouldn't tell you.

#3

I'm someone who's full of love for the people I love.

I grumble a lot to my Boyfriend. How much I wish I'm dead and how I hope the world would come to and end and I even grumble about having him as my Boyfriend, that he's lousy etc etc. I don't deny because I really did that. 

Nobody will truly understand the relationship I had with my Boyfriend. 

So full of love and hatred at the same time. 

Nobody has the right to judge us even though you might be our individual close friends.

Nobody has the right to tell us what we should do to our relationship no matter what it may be, good or bad. 

My Boyfriend is the best guy I ever had in my entire life.
He's my everything, he meant the world to me.
He knows me well enough but not that perfect.
He knows I love him to kiss me on my forehead and hug me to sleep every night.
He knows I love to eat Steak and Mee Hun Kuay from Lorong 5 and he knows I hate to eat all kinds of onions.
He knows I love kids and he loves my sisters and niece too.
He knows everything about my past and he helped me a lot to recover from all my hurts.
He knows I have to drink coffee every morning or else I'll have headache after I pass a certain timing.
He knows that I love to watch romance or comedy movie and he's always watching them with me though what he loved was action and scary movies.
He knows what I love and what I hate. 

He knows a lot about me, there's just too many to mention.
But at the same time, he doesn't know a few about me.
He doesn't realize that every sentence he made has a different kind of impact on me.
He doesn't realize his present in my daily life is different when it's just vocal.
He doesn't realize I need to constantly feel that I'm special to him.
He doesn't realize I will get really upset whenever he don't give me the attention I need.
He doesn't realize that I'm upset when he doesn't care about how I really feel.
He doesn't realize with everything he used to hide from me, the more insecure I feel towards him.
He doesn't realize that to me when it comes to relationship ' Honesty is the best policy '. 

My Boyfriend have flaws, so do I.
But I love him, just like the way he loves me.
I know he loves me, a lot.
But too many things happened between us and we're still trying to fix things right.
At this point of time, I wouldn't say this relationship is perfect cause no relationship is ever perfect for whatever that seems to be perfect was all well-planned. 

#4

I have a lot of friends since I was a teenager. 

Maybe because I'm noisy and chatty that's why they came to make friend with me.

But 80% of my friends are all guys, no doubt. 

I have a lot of friends who can share my joy with but when it comes to sorrow, it's just that few people whom I'll turn to. 

I somehow distanced myself from a lot of my friends, especially the guys. 

I felt it was okay because somehow my absence doesn't make much difference to them so yeah, I learnt that it's okay to distance myself from them. 

I've somehow developed the withdrawal syndrome that a lot of people is facing. 

I don't feel like going out.

I don't want to meet new people.

I don't want to spend my time out of my house.

I just want to stay at home, be with my family and my Boyfriend.

People always say that when one is in relationship, they forget about their friends. 

Think about it in a logical mentality..

Are you not like that? Think twice before you answer. 

Everyone is the same. So yes, I couldn't care less about what other people is gonna say or gossip about me anymore. 

My circle of friends became limited.

I only hang out with the same people all the time and the rest of the time, I'm at home with my family or Boyfriend.

I'm fortunate to have those friends who have always stood by me. I don't have to mention their names because they're always in my heart. 

So thank you girls. :) 

A lot of things will come to my mind whenever I start looking back on what have I done to achieve something and this is the part that breaks me up. 

I've done nothing to achieve anything.

Have I gotten the education that I wanted? No.

Have I work hard enough to earn more money? No.

Have I done anything that's significant enough to make my life different? No. 

Have I given my mother a good life? No. 

What have I done all these while? 

Wasting my time going out with friends. 

Wasting my time partying and drinking.

Wasting my time bumping around living each day not fully utilized.

I don't know what my friends around me feels about their life at the age of 24. 

But this is what I feel. 

Time is moving too fast and I just don't have enough time, I feel.

It makes me feel like dying just so I could restart my life cause now I know what I want.

I feel fucking useless, really. 

And I guess it's gonna take a lot for me to get over this. 

I'm getting old, I know. 

And it sucks.

I just have to learn to suck it up and start to embrace my cruel life from now on. 

The changes in me and the future for us.

Will there be a day that you give me all your time? 

I don't like it when I feel like I'm being left alone. 

I dread going to work nowadays because that's the place I feel so ever alone. 

Know you're online and you're not talking/replying to me. 

I never like that feeling. 

I feel like I'm back to the me who was with Z. 

The me who care too much, worry too much and think too much.

I've been feeling too down lately. 

Feeling too upset. 

Half the time my eyes are watery and warm.

The other half of the time they're tired and swollen. 

I'm feeling tired, mentally and physically. 

Losing the attention and time I used to have and I don't like it. 

E suggested to stay together so that at least we have the night for each other since during the day time he's so busy with work. I don't know why but part of me is reluctant to do that. I guess I'm affected with the fact that he used to keep telling me that I'm living off him at his place made me not want to go to his house to stay. I told him to stay at mine instead and he asked why. I told him because of what he said last time and he laughed it off. Is it that funny? I don't think it is. 

Queen knows about me not wanting to go to his house to stay and she's being understanding to let him stayover now. He wasn't allowed to stayover at my place last time when my family is at home cause Queen said Stepdad would mind. But after all that happened, she gave the green light. 

Queen told me to take turns to stay at each other's place. I shook my head. She asked why and I said I don't want. Something's amiss and she sensed that. She didn't questioned but she just said '一定是有什么事，不然你不可能这样。看你那死样子，以前都不会这样!' Yeah, she knows me best. I just don't like to be told I'm living off someone. 

Had a talk with Sharon early today.. 

All about money..

Talking about our degree course, houses next time, the renovation fees, furniture, wedding, wedding photoshoots etc etc. Just thinking about it, the amount is huge enough.. 

Then I realised, I'm not that young anymore.. 

And I realised, I'm ready to settle down now. 

Subconsciously, I've somehow prepared myself for the future, just that I'm unsure of myself last time. 

Being quite a family-oriented person, I know it myself that I can't never live being alone without my family. And me being me, I've somehow considered E as part of my family since don't know when. 

Sharon and I both know that we have a dream to have our own cosy home. 

We both know what we want and we know how we should do things to make it happen. 

My days of playing is over and now it's time for my future.

I've played enough and now it's time to build my future. 

It's time to take note of BTOs, Wedding Packages, Wedding banquet, Honeymoon places etc etc. 

This is a phase in life. 

And I'm at the stage whereby everything, everybody around me is settling down. 

And it affects me. 

I'm no longer 18,19. 

I need a brighter future for my future. 

Not staying stagnant and doing nothing big enough to let me shine. 

Money cannot buy everything but money can fulfill your dreams. 

And I only know, without money, life's worse than being dead. 

Goodbye nightlife.

Goodbye playing time.

Goodbye luxuries.

We will meet next life. 

:)

Day 2.

So my school finally started again after two weeks and Jason has left for home as well. First day of school after a long break did makes me feel weird. Sigh, I was enquiring about my Degree programme earlier and came to realize that I need to defer my Degree cause I can't apply for my Study Loan. ): I'm upset cause I wanted to get everything done and start my Degree in May! I don't really wanna take a long break! Now it seems like either I take the September intake or next year January. ): I need to get the fucking PR shit done! 

Really crossing my fingers that I'd pass with one try! ): Please please Singapore, I've stayed here long enough to be localized and my education has been taken all in Singapore! Give it to meeeeeee! ): 

Going to 四马路 for 拜拜 later during lunch! :) 

And I need to stop procrastinating about my assignments! 

She's a five when she drinks but she's a ten when she's on top of me.

Some time back, don't remember when. -.- 

First time playing Saboteur! (: SCOOPZ!

Shida!

Lynn Baby!

Sunday, after photoshoot.

This is one of the scariest I think!

Devils spinning. (:

Alright, let me just update in like, point form. -.- 

28th Oct 2011, Friday.

It's like Friday and it's Vernon's Birthday too. After work went to meet Sharon for dinner at Chomp Chomp together with Geoffrie and Rainy before heading over to The Chapter Entertainment. Was there for about an hour or so then Mic came to pick me up to meet the rest at Geylang for porridge. Didn't eat much cause I wasn't really hungry. After that we went to Chong Pang's Mac to chit chat etc and it was pouring like crazy. -.- Mic send me home at about 3am and I slept about 3:30? LOL Can't remember. Heh. 

29th Oct 2011, Saturday. 

Woke up at about 12noon. Slack at home, then get ready to go to school to meet Shida and the rest. Left home only at about 3:30pm? LOL. Went to get my threading done first before going to school to meet them for the last minute revision just about 1.5hrs before exam? The seating arrangement was fucked up. -.- names were missing and exam was delayed. -.- So my paper started 15mins laterrrrr! -.- Nevertheless, I finish my paper by 9pm and tadah, off to home I went. Suppose to sleep early but I guess I was feeling nervous for the photoshoot next day that's why I'm can't sleep. LOL And so I slept at 2am? 

30th Oct 2011, Sunday.

Woke up at 7am and started preparing for the shoot. Greg picked me up from my house at 9:30am. By the way, he was the one who shot me for the Clarke Quay one last year. Lol. We had Studio shoot this time and the theme is Sexy Cool. Will upload the photos once I get them. (: After that he sent me home and I took an hour nap before getting ready and going out to meet Boyfriend at TPY MRT to go to Tiong Bahru to meet  Geoffrie. Head to Vivo to meet Baby Lynn after and went to Food Republic for dinner. Waited for Stuart, Priscilla and Pris'c cousin to reach and we head to Sentosa for Halloween Night Horror. I swear I'm super amazed and impressed with USS. They made me go GaGa about the whole place! It's looks so different from the day time! And I love it! Though I was scared at the beginning but I got used to it and wasn't that scared anymore. Took a few rides. Went on the mummy and Cylon. Cylon was the first time and I swear the first free fall was the scariest. Worse than the zombies scaring me! -.- We went to both the haunted house and I hate the Peranakan one. The dark alley wasn't as scary to me. Haha. All in all, it was fun! Really. (: It was a really tired day. ): 

New week started and I started my new module as well. 

Having a lot of things in mind but I'm not sharing anymore.

11Nov is just next week and I still wish that day never existed.

I've been feeling rather down recently and I just don't really wanna let too many people know. I don't know but there are stuffs in my mind. :\ Sigh.

I'm lack of sleep and I've been feeling dead tired. T.T

Update soon.
Byebye!

Man & Woman.

- When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom. 

- We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. 

- Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. 

- When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. 

- A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. 

- A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.

These are quotes from ' Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. ' 

You know there are difference in men and women and in general, women since the ancient time has always been the one who's giving the good and taking the shits. Why? Because women in the past are not allowed to have higher education than men. It's unfair to begin with? But now it's different, women do much better than men in almost all aspects. Other than fucking around. Okay, I'm not stereotyping here but it's kinda like a fact that almost all guys are desperate. If not, there will not be whorehouses around and there won't be rape cases isn't it? -.- And a lot of my guy friends tell me ' 10 guys, 9 of which are never innocent and the only one who is not is gay. ' LOL

Hmm. How true is that? I don't know. But if that can come from a man's mouth, I doubt it's fake. This week is passing too quickly. ): I feel like I have no time for anything. Why am I so packed with things when I don't want to? T.T My schedule is packed all the way until probably 7th Nov. -.- And that sucks. 

I need one week where by I'm totally off from everything. Or maybe a month. Just to go home after work then sleep by 10pm. I need that so much! ): 

Yesterday was just yet another day. I'm feeling super tired now because my 大姨妈 is here. FML. USS on Sunday is already half ruined. ): Much less to mention my photoshoot on Sunday morning too. ): Hates it when I have menses and everything else is happening at the same time. T.T 

Queen asked me some questions this morning. And no, it's not what she's thinking but I guess maybe she just gotta somehow get used to this. 

And by the way, yesterday felt like a Sunday and I had like ' Monday ' blue. ): 

I miss Baby Jeorgina. ): 

I wanna go back Malaysia! 

Exam in 2 days. 

Good luck Kat! :D

I trimmed my own fringe. How is it? HAHAHAHA.
My eye bags very bad, I know. ):

Happy Birthday Felix. Brownie from Shida!

Super thick chocolate. 

And yes, I had a piece. :\ Everyone knows I don't eat chocolate except for white chocolates.
But for Birthday wise.. I'll give face la. (:

A Secret Affair.

This is my daily active group chat.

This is what happened after like say about half an hour. -.- I got spammed every morning. zzzz.

Remember the game I was talking about on the previous post? This is part of the plan.

This is just a dream.

This is reality.

Animals can help one another. Human don't. See where are all the humanity?

The only lecturer thus far, who managed to make almost half the class leave during break time. Because he talk bullshit too much. -.-

Every morning I'm being spammed the same group of people. -.- It's getting earlier and earlier until I can't take it, off the group notifications already. -.- My phone went bonkers. Wth! -.- 

Last night's lesson was about Prada, LV and some stupid shoes brand. We were all wondering, are we studying Economics or are we studying Marketing? -.- This lecturer is one of a kind, seriously. -.- I left the class during the break, just like many others. But it's the first time that I walk out of the class like that. But.. I really don't learn anything from him, at all. -.- And you know what? I seriously think I need some help with Economics. -.- This lecturer is gonna get his review badly done by me. -.-

I just watched the secret proposal on Facebook not too long ago.. It's a super sweet and touching one. The girl was totally caught off guard and the guy is super sweet. It's kinda like some ideal proposal that touches all the girls' heart and melt them totally. (: You know, it's rare in Singapore that guys actually spend time planning such romantic moments. It's like the trend now is: Courting - Finally get together - Dating - Ballot house - Get house - ROM - Wedding Dinner. THERE'S NO LONGER A THING AS PROPOSAL AS PART OF THE PLAN. And that's saddening. Usually it's the proposal that spur up the sparks to want to do more things for each other. But not anymore. And I think, I won't plan to do anything more than now until a proper proposal is done and I accept the proposal. Yes, I'm a hard nut to crack but what makes you think I'm so cheap to deal with? -.-

Maybe the last time me will do everything without expecting anything in return. After much shit happened, I changed. So yeah, I'm not gonna be the idiot who's gonna just keep giving whatever I have and in the end I'm still gonna get hurt. I've learnt to be pretty selfish and I'm sorry to say that because if no one cares about me so why should I even care for them? I only care about people whom I feel worthy of my care.

Having so much said, people are always telling me the same god damn thing ' what makes you think that you're worthy for people to do so much for you? ' hmm.. so what makes you think that other people is worthy for me to do so much for them? Vice versa. You treat people the way you want to be treated. Yeah, I treat my friends really nice, I listen to them, I bring them out etc etc. Those that I don't do that to = not worthy. Understand? I choose my friends but my friends may not choose me. Likewise, people choose me and I might not choose them. This is life, suck it. The amount you offer will never be the amount you get back. This is reality. 

I'm meeting Sharon tonight for pancake. And I can't wait to go home to see Baby Jeorgina! She's heading home this Saturday! ): 

Real Steel tomorrow and my weekend is packed! (: 

There's a few things I need to do. -.- 

1. Trim my bloody annoying fringe. 
2. Be slim as soon as I can because I have a shoot soon.
3. STUDY FOR EXAM. 
4. COUNT DOWN TO USS HALLOWEEN NIGHT, 10DAYS.

Update soon.

XOXO

Sometimes It Doesn't Need A Title.

My heels for Saturday's Wedding.

Wedding is on Saturday and I just got informed about the guestbook that I need to decorate the front page. Great, I haven't done anything on it and I don't have ideas now as to how to do it. -.- Time for researches later and tonight's gonna be another late night. 

Got home last night at 12midnight and only manage to fall asleep at 3am because I was looking at the assignment draft that Shida sent to me and at the same time, taking care of Jeogina because Queen was showering. Jeorgina has been quite noisy lately cause of whatever reasons it may be. -.- She keep whining and making a lot of noise. -.- It annoys me when I'm busy thus I tend to throw my temper around even easier. Conclusion: Never disturb me when I have things to do, I CAN KILL YOU WITH MY WORDS. -.- 

But of course, when I see her crying, my heart softens. Sigh. Back to square one. BUT, that only apply to BABIES. (: 

I'm a bit more than little cranky today due to the lack of sleep and fucked up body clock. -.- 

Aim for today's afternoon, 

1. Help Shida with SWOT analysis.
2. Research on guestbook decorations.

GREAT. Now my Wednesday is ruined. 

All that I'm looking forward to is Subway from Shida and probably classmates makes me happier(HOPEFULLY). And then having Jeorgina to welcome me home at night with her lovely face and smile. 

Before I go, 

look at this and think about it.

Hmm? 

But I can't promise how long I'm staying.

Update soon.
XOXO

Genting + Hometown! :D:D

Life has been pretty much good. My Business Law's result came out today and I scored a distinction! (: My second core module scoring a distinction! (: Hopefully it will all be good like now. (: 

This month's school's schedule is really fucked up. Keeps changing and changing and I'm gonna miss more than what was planned. $$ fly away alr. ): Sigh. 

And I've been pretty much very depressed about my weight issues. So please don't provoke me with this or else I might just wanna kill you. -.- I'm dead serious okay! 

Going to Genting tomorrow morning and then back to hometown to visit relatives. Been a long time since I went back! (: So Happy! Plus the news about my result, it's a bonus! :D

Update more soon about tonight's partyyy! (: 

And yes, I'm hitting the clubs tonight. Yes, CLUBS. (: 

Come down to clarke quay if you wanna see me! LOL >.<