Will You? LOL.a joke for myself.

d0lphiin says:
****.. ask you uh..
*will you still want to be in a r/s consisting of domestic violence and cheating?
*** says:
*nope
d0lphiin says:
*if you're the guy.. will you want to be with a girl who always go round telling people what sort of things you've done to her?
*** says:
*depend wat thing...
d0lphiin says:
*like if you're the cheating and violent party.. she go round telling your common friends what you did to her..
*** says:
*She wan pple to pity her
*and feel sorry for her
*self-pity is not a good thing
d0lphiin says:
*but she still choose to stick with you
*that's the weird thing
*** says:
*Its like a dog... even though the master... beat and scold him
*he would still go back to the master
*as the master feed him
*To the extend it apply to human too
*we complain abt our life but we still stick wif it....
*only when u r ready for a change would u break out of the cycle

Trust. It's Everyone's Problem.

Is there any girls who doesn't have trust issues? 

i highly doubt there is. 

because even a girl like me do. 

well, maybe 10years ago, i won't but not now, not anymore, not in the future. 

having been cheated on, both emotionally and physically, there's no way i'm gonna NOT have trust issues. 

E set rules and regulations for me. to me, it's pretty normal. i can accept them but on one condition, which i've told him before. and that is whatever expectations that he set on me, he MUST be able to do them all in return. to me, being in a relationship it take two hands to clap. i seek for fairness in a relationship though i find it not exactly very fair for myself but still, when it comes to love, almost all girls are stupid and silly. 

people asked me, E set rules and regulations etc on me, why is it that i obey? or is it because he doesn't trust me? or he feels insecure? yes, i do obey. not because i'm a maid/slave/dog or whatever you think. i respect him as my boyfriend and i listen to him because i don't want him to get upset because i care about how he feels. no, he doesn't have trust issues with me because basically i tell him EVERYTHING, good or bad, happy or sad. i hide NOTHING from him. i'm completely transparent with him. and yes, maybe he feels insecure for the amount of guy friends i have around me in my entire life but to ease his securities, i've stopped contacting a lot of guy friends. it's common and i understand about jealousy etc etc so i do my part to not contact them or anyone whom he's probably uncomfortable with. have i not done my part? have i not been understanding and nice? 

people only know we argue/quarreled and probably the nasty sides of me. that's because i'm being who i am. whatever emotions i have, it's clearly stated on my face. what you see is what you get. i could fake a smile when i'm unhappy but not when i'm really angry. i use vulgarities to vent my anger and i think it's normal for anyone in this world who's angered. but that's not fine when it comes to E. 

i don't trust E. i really don't. i should be the one who's feeling very insecure, having all my doubts and throwing my temper etc etc. but a lot of times i choose not to say anything. so yes, bottling up everything doesn't help. things won't go away and i won't trust him more either. 

yes, very surprisingly, things are actually opposite from what people see. i'm the one who doesn't trust E and E is the one who set rules and etc. 

he didn't cheat on me, as far as i know. (even if he did maybe i don't know but don't let me find out) but he lied and hide things from me. knowing myself, and i did told him before to be completely honest with me no matter what issues are they. and he had to, he just had to go on doing things that will make me unhappy even though he KNOW they will. it's always better to be told the truth than to find out the truth. and sadly, i wasn't told the truth but finds out the truth myself, not once but many times. so being a normal girl, does anyone of you feels it's wrong when i keep doubting? truths that were supposed to be told, to be honest with yet i wasn't.

with all the things that i found out, i can't even trust his friends. not all but certain people around him. i hate the thoughts of him being around with those people who cheats. if he's not my boyfriend, i won't have this issue but i'm sorry he is. unless he decide to break up with me and find a new girlfriend if not this is gonna remain. i don't even trust him much less to mention to trust him when it comes to meeting people who are like this. finding out truth is bad enough. i cannot imagine what he will become under the influence of all these cheaters. 

imagine in the past, i allow guys trip for him but now, i don't even trust him to go anywhere with anybody other than his family. can anyone imagine the impact he left on me? i have never felt so lousy about myself before. but this is the amount of trust i have on him. he lost them all. i'm not unreasonable. there are things that happened between us that i do not say and those are the things that created the impact on me which result to my reactions now. i always tell him 'with an action, there's a reaction so if you can't handle my reaction, think twice about your actions before you do it' and i suppose he never do. 

how do you trust one person when you are trying so hard to make yourself trust again yet the next thing you know is, you find out another truth? to me it's like " finally this roller coaster ride is coming to an end then suddenly it speed up all the way to the highest peak and i experience another free fall. " how do you keep having faith and believe one person when they keep doing this on a repeat. even the strongest girl in this world will not be able to take it.

no doubt before i'm with E, i was in a shit relationship for years. i got cheated on and lied to in every ways you can think of. but to be with E, i trusted him at first. i really do. but he breached them too much that somehow i'm finding it hard to get back on my feet again. it doesn't mean that having gone through shit in the past means i could go through another shit. i don't want to lead the life that i used to have when i was with a shit hole. i don't want to be who i was back then. there was a reason why i left him finally and i don't want to go back to the reason why i didn't left him. 

and now, when i doubt, i'm blamed for not being understanding. hur. this is a joke, seriously. everything seems to be a joke. this relationship seems to be a joke too. 

somehow E made me realised, i was never as important as he is to me. 

he doesn't care about how i feel when he do things. and those are the obvious things that if he do, i'll be unhappy and he knows it. 

i don't understand why. 

there are so many times i can't help but to question myself how much is this love worth in my eyes? is it so worthy for me to lose myself to this relationship? or rather, losing myself to someone who doesn't give a shit about how i feel no matter how many times i fight with him about it. 

leopard never change its spots, so true. 

now tell me, what have i done to deserve all these?

Work.

Being here for 2.5years going on 3 years. 

The only thing I hate about this company is mainly the people here. 

Honestly, in 2009, I was hired as a receptionist. I'm not anywhere close paid as a PA. 

I was then told back then what are my jobscopes. I did them all. So why is it that my boss can say I'm useless for doing what I'm supposed to be doing? 

I read something I shouldn't yesterday. And I believe that was true partially. 

G's twitter became public out of the blue and I happen to chance across it while browsing around. 

Then I saw that she wrote about K complaining to B about me. About how useless I am, always on MC and do wrong stuffs, want to fire me. G added that B told K of what I did to his younger brother and B asked G not to be too happy cause K want to fire me.

I am very unhappy and super dulan. 

1. Why am I useless just because he has a PA now and I'm back to doing my receptionist jobscope? 
2. I'm on MC, I was unwell and I stayed at home, I'm not going out to play. And for this almost 4 months, I only took 3 days MC. Always on MC? Why not say he's always not around and it just so happen that when he's around, I'm on MC? Dafug? 
3. How the hell can I do wrong stuffs when I'm not even doing his things anymore? It doesn't make sense. My jobscope is simple and chances of making mistake is close to impossible? So wtf? What I do wrong? 
4. B said I did something to his younger brother. FYI, I stop contacting B,H,J,L etc since more than half a year ago. I only remember the last time I was supposed to meet up with him, was before his Japan trip but in the end because he only want to meet after 12mn, I decided not to meet him. And the last time he talked to me was on the phone before he go to aussie and I rejected because I don't want to see them? B's younger brother called me on 15th feb from aussie and I didn't even pick up. Fb chat me and I never even reply. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HIS BROTHER? Honestly WTF?! I don't get it. 

First of all, this motherfucking company is not small. This motherfucking company have fucked up management. This motherfucking company underpaid me. 

My employment letter was stated as receptionist. I'm told to do more than a receptionist, more like a PA/secretary. My boss abused vulgarities on me. My boss says I'm stupid in front of 60 people in the office. My boss's family contact me and ask me to do things including booking movie tickets? Making me pay and never pay me back? GREAT. Yeah, you know that's not the job of a RECEPTIONIST. But I still took it and do things for him. Until he got his PA about half a year ago then I didn't have to do his things. All these, was done without any additional pay raise. On top of that, I've always been feeling so stress about doing his stuffs. Especially when I started studying last year and I almost couldn't cope anymore.. Too much for me to take. So was it wrong of me to tell my HR that I can't take it anymore and seek her help to get a PA for K soon? 

Secondly, J's organisation. I stop going because it's purely a waste of my time and energy. I have school, I have work, I have my own commitments. Why is it that I stop going to J's organisation seems like I become a criminal? I don't have time for all the late meetings and events on weekend. I have classes and I don't want to waste my money going to school and in the end because of the organisation's things I fucked up my studies. Was I wrong to focus on my studies? B had to go school. B doesn't need to work and study at the same time. and you know what? What right do they have to say me when they know nothing about me? 

Fucking rich fuckers. 

If not because I want to get my PR, I won't be tolerating all these. 

I'm so tempted to show K what G wrote on her twitter and want to make clarifications. 

Asked for advises and was told that it's not a very wise choice. 

But I'm really provoked. 

Those bloody fuckers should just learn to mind their own business. 

Phew. 

Now I feel a lot more better. 

I've been so unhappy.

V&W.

V&W, really never expected you two to be doing things like this.
It was such a disappointment.

Worse is you two think you both never do anything wrong? Yeah, your childish acts are to be paid for. Seriously, a 30 year old and a 27 year old doing acts of a teenager? Very funny.

I'm no pushover and you both have no rights to judge or make any comments. This is for fact that I know.

I've been trying to convince myself to let the matter rest but each time I think about what happened and how hurtful those words etc were to me, I can't. I'll be a fake ass if I were to accept you all now. I need time.

But honestly, secretly, I hope you two fall out and may the worst befall on you both.
Thinking of what you all has said/done disgust me.

I still remember the day V approach me and tell me how W secretly contact her guy colleague and how he told her to make a choice etc etc and I was being there listening to him and consoling him. But this is what I got for being nice. Screw you both. Hope W cheats on you and you break up with her.

Morons.

祸从口出.

She never learn. 

Even with an age that is older than me, a mind that SHOULD be older than me. 

But nope, she never. Never learn the seriousness of whatever that she's saying. 

I'm beginning to hate her and her presence. And that's a really bad start. 

I don't care whose girlfriend she is. 

But when I start hating her, I will have all kinds of excuses and nothing is ever gonna change it unless I change it myself. 

Why do I have this feeling in me? 

A feeling that I'm gonna regret what I did now. 

Unblock them on my facebook but somehow I feel like I'm doing it on purpose instead. She wants to tag tag tag, I'll show her her tags are no threats to me. At least I'm not a person who fish in her own pond. I wonder, have she ever fished out of her pond before? TSK. Okay, I'm nasty here. Hold it, Kat. 

I've got a better life than her. Seriously. MEHHHHHHHH.

I kinda like my public blog now that not many people visit everyday. :) 

My daily views dropped from 100+ to only a few everyday. Depressing if I'm a blogger. But contented as a normal person. :) 

And somehow, your words are ringing in my mind. What am I to do to you? You failed me in the past. Going back to where it went wrong will only make me look so much more stupid. But somehow I can't forget. Everything just seems so clear now. Why? Why did you ruin that love I had for you? Why did your words come so late? Why? WHY? WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT SAYING SORRY TO ME?! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. 

I HATE THE ' LAW(S) '.

I'M GONNA DO A DEED POLL AND CHANGE MY SURNAME TO ' LAI '.

I'M SO DAMN ANGRY.
WITH THE LAW PEOPLE.

THOUGH THIS SURNAME HAS BEEN WITH ME FOR 21 YEARS.
BUT NOW I DECIDED, I'M SO GONNA DO A DEED POLL AND CHANGE MY SURNAME TO MY QUEEN'S SURNAME.

I FEEL A DISGRACE TO BE CARRYING THE SURNAME ' LAW '.

CAUSE THEY FUCKING MADE MY QUEEN CRIED.
FUCKING IDIOTS.
KNNPCB.

WHOEVER MADE MY QUEEN CRY, IS DEFINITELY GONNA PAY BACK DOUBLE OF WHAT MY MOM HAS GIVEN.

JUST YOU WATCH, LAW(S).

I'LL MAKE YOU REGRET WHAT YOU DID TO MY QUEEN.

YOU WANNA PLAY SURNAME WITH ME, I'M MORE THAN GLAD. CAUSE I DON'T FEEL PROUD TO BE CARRYING THIS FUCKING SURNAME.



I'VE BEEN CONTROLLING MY TEMPER REALLY WELL. BUT TODAY, I FLARED UP.

Jealousy.

I think I sense jealousy from someone's message about my ' Marriage '.
Not happy that now someone is treating me better than you do and making me a happier person?

' Kat don't seems to be so sad this time ' - What are you trying to prove? Gosh. You wanna see me being upset all the time? Sorry, you won't be able to see that happening cause someone else are gonna make my life better.

Ohh well, aren't you pretty happy to be able to meet up with your ex-girlfriend? Or maybe I should say, ermm, puppy Love? Or, that ' love ' doesn't even exist? Was that another lie? Joke.

Sorry to her? Over my fucking dead body.
She wanna get me into the picture first.
Fuck Off.

If she hadn't step on my tail, i wouldn't react so fucking vigorously. Think about it. Fucking idiots.

Apologise on OUR behalf? Did anyone of us actually feel apologetic? Should we even apologise? What crap? -.-

Had the guts to say, then have the fucking balls to admit. Don't be a pussy and only know how to run away from problems. fuck-tards.

Last Outing.

had dinner with bevan, my mom and sisters just now. had sushis at cathay. thanks bevan for the meal! not forgetting your dad for asking you to pay. =)

BEVAN FUCKING CUT HIS HAIR ALREADY. FUCKING BOTAK NOW. -.- ohh well he's gonna be botak anyway. -.- good luck bro! have fun in NS. =) take good care of yourself k! and of course, not gonna forget you and will see you next year when i'm back to singapore! don't miss me too much! LOL!!!! =) just hope you enjoyed the last few days with me and your friends companionship. =D and, hope you'll like bracelet also. last gift as a christmas present cause i won't be seeing you anytime soon. TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT K! second one i bought for you. -.-

anyway, after the dinner went to parkway to meet ji and his friends cause bevan wanna see them for the last time before he's gonna be lock for two weeks. -.- haha. then head to lam's place to meet lam for a while also. chat etc. anyway, good luck to lam and ji! last paper and last project! =) best of luck! =)

after that bevan dropped me outside and i took a cab home. =) and he go home of course. -.- nothing much already. photos time! =)

Last Clubbing Session before he goes NS and before i go back malaysia. =S

brother beh eys? =)

emo.. -.- haha.

after the tequilla pop!

calv.

vodka cranberry.

hellos world! =)

my name is KAT! =)

i was bored. -.-

my eyes are screwed. =(

pineapple kulamala. -.-

it's actually pineapple vodka. -.-

bevan beh's present. lOl.

rager bomb? -.- but nice taste. sweet sweet one! =)

jojo & jaslyn.

F4. -.-

Rebel.

MARVVVV.

threesome. LOL. kidding.

wth are you doing bevan bro? -.-

KAI!!

bevan : eh kat come here.

kat : what?

bevan : he likes you ah?

kat : why? YOU JEALOUS RIGHT?? HAHAHAHAHA. *walks away*

calv was fucking high in this photo!

calv's spit.

aww~ so loving. -.- gay.

i like this the most! =)

fuck you calv your fucking hand block my fucking nice photo. -.-

bevan hate it when i tie my hair. -.-

loyang's loyal dog. =)

JORRRRDANNN.

scary fish. -.-

BOTAK MAN! 

MUSHROOM WITH BACON!

bevan : damn weird sia.

queen : still look cute lahhs. 

wth? -.-

imagine this photo is like,

father, mother and two daughter? FUCK I CAN'T! -.-

in bevan's car. town's light is up for christmas. =)

uncle, no using of handphone when driving! -.-

car control?

BMW. lOL.

crazy driver. -.-

yes i was bored. -.-

BMW's GPS. but i'm a mini GPS for bevan. -.-

5 different people's cigarette?

nope, it's all bevan's. -.-

if he's my boyfriend, i'd get damn unhappy. cause he smoke so much! -.- lucky he's just a brother. =D

okays, i've done uploading my photos. =)

P/S : sometimes people should just learn to shut the fuck up and stop saying so many things. 祸从口出. certain things are best not to even mention. i'm not gonna mention names but i was fucking pissed with someone today. for he commented some stupid things to someone and i know. don't blame people for letting me know cause since you dare to fucking say it then fucking face the fucking consequences. if not, shut the fuck up. i was already not very happy with you and now you say even more things that pissed me when you don't even know a fucking shit. wtf are you doing? wtf are you thinking? you don't even know what i'm doing yet wanna say me. organising outings is always like that. if you cannot even handle it, then don't. no one ask you to do it. leave it to someone who can handle better. if no one wanna take the initiative then forget it. it's no big deal to not go out in a fucking big group. don't make people around you start to feel that you're annoying, which is somehow already happening. a lot of times, keeping your fucking mouth shut isn't that difficult. do some self reflection before you ask anyone to.

you're never lousy.

it's just you refuse to grow up and wake up. 

no one is ever looking down on you.

you are looking down on yourself.