Happy Birthday Eddy!

Pretty Eddy!

I met up with him for lunch and check-in the hotel with him first.

The living room!

The bed!

Bath room!

Shower and tub!

The pazio that we didn't use.

Busy putting the champagne into the fridge!

Addressing to him.

Toilet!

He join me. haha.

what's this?

lubricant and condom. LOL

instructions on how to use them.

View from their mini pool!

I can see MBS here!

Swissotel!

Ready to swim!

decorated with balloons!

Champagne party must have champagne balloon!

Wall.

Nerd chunli. LOL

Brownie as birthday cake!

school boy with chun li.

school boy with the girls.

one more.

and more.

i love L & myself at the back. LOL

oh shit, i'm left alone. 

the boys.

Wahahaha lucas's leg!!

opening his first present!

TADAH, wheels. 

hahaha

surprise!

he and the bobbies girls.

preparing him!

LOL

siao char bor.

one of his task.

promoting armpit shaver to one stranger. LOL

pornstar poses. LOL

rehearsing for super bass. 

Okay, I'm lazy too update my blog. -.-

This post is a month late. 

So, it was Eddy's birthday last month on 30th.

he booked a hotel room at bugis/city hall area named Naumi. 

he booked the pazio executive room which was not bad. 

situated on the 4th level of the hotel, with a pazio, that's all.

the swimming pool is a mini infinity pool which was at the highest floor, 10th floor overlooking swissotel, and can see a bit of MBS. haha. 

we were asked to dress according to the theme as geek/nerd/mismatched. 

i dressed as a nerd mismatched chunli. 

we went out for dinner at marina square's cafe cartel. 

for some reason, we were just feeling tired and restless while waiting for food. LOL

i guess the over-excitement from hotel to marina square burnt our energy. 

but i swear i was feeling super embarrassed at the beginning cause other than dressing up for party/halloween, i don't even do that!

okay, i admit, i'm too old for all this dressing up party. -.- 

but all in all, we all had fun! hahaha

though we got chased out cause there were too many of us. 

i stayed with them until about 1-1:30am? 

poor Boyfriend was waiting for me at home. 

eddy was asked to do a lot of task etc before he eventually could get his birthday present. 

i hope this going to be 30 old man is happy on his last 2 birthday!

apart from all these, life has not been that fantastic. 

i don't know if i should love 2012 or hate 2012.

too many things happened and somehow i guess, i'm not as happy as before.

i've been questioning myself lately, 'when was the last time i smiled happily and unknowingly?' 

i really don't know. 

i'll update soon.

take care everyone.

The changes in me and the future for us.

Will there be a day that you give me all your time? 

I don't like it when I feel like I'm being left alone. 

I dread going to work nowadays because that's the place I feel so ever alone. 

Know you're online and you're not talking/replying to me. 

I never like that feeling. 

I feel like I'm back to the me who was with Z. 

The me who care too much, worry too much and think too much.

I've been feeling too down lately. 

Feeling too upset. 

Half the time my eyes are watery and warm.

The other half of the time they're tired and swollen. 

I'm feeling tired, mentally and physically. 

Losing the attention and time I used to have and I don't like it. 

E suggested to stay together so that at least we have the night for each other since during the day time he's so busy with work. I don't know why but part of me is reluctant to do that. I guess I'm affected with the fact that he used to keep telling me that I'm living off him at his place made me not want to go to his house to stay. I told him to stay at mine instead and he asked why. I told him because of what he said last time and he laughed it off. Is it that funny? I don't think it is. 

Queen knows about me not wanting to go to his house to stay and she's being understanding to let him stayover now. He wasn't allowed to stayover at my place last time when my family is at home cause Queen said Stepdad would mind. But after all that happened, she gave the green light. 

Queen told me to take turns to stay at each other's place. I shook my head. She asked why and I said I don't want. Something's amiss and she sensed that. She didn't questioned but she just said '一定是有什么事，不然你不可能这样。看你那死样子，以前都不会这样!' Yeah, she knows me best. I just don't like to be told I'm living off someone. 

Had a talk with Sharon early today.. 

All about money..

Talking about our degree course, houses next time, the renovation fees, furniture, wedding, wedding photoshoots etc etc. Just thinking about it, the amount is huge enough.. 

Then I realised, I'm not that young anymore.. 

And I realised, I'm ready to settle down now. 

Subconsciously, I've somehow prepared myself for the future, just that I'm unsure of myself last time. 

Being quite a family-oriented person, I know it myself that I can't never live being alone without my family. And me being me, I've somehow considered E as part of my family since don't know when. 

Sharon and I both know that we have a dream to have our own cosy home. 

We both know what we want and we know how we should do things to make it happen. 

My days of playing is over and now it's time for my future.

I've played enough and now it's time to build my future. 

It's time to take note of BTOs, Wedding Packages, Wedding banquet, Honeymoon places etc etc. 

This is a phase in life. 

And I'm at the stage whereby everything, everybody around me is settling down. 

And it affects me. 

I'm no longer 18,19. 

I need a brighter future for my future. 

Not staying stagnant and doing nothing big enough to let me shine. 

Money cannot buy everything but money can fulfill your dreams. 

And I only know, without money, life's worse than being dead. 

Goodbye nightlife.

Goodbye playing time.

Goodbye luxuries.

We will meet next life. 

:)

Holiday!

11 more days to Phuket and I was just so looking forward to that earlier on.. 

I was very happy cause this is the first overseas trip that E is going together with my family, don't count going to Malaysia, that's like going back home for me. 

A really mixed feeling in me. I don't know what can I do or rather how should I do it. 

I feel neglected, very neglected. 

Everyday I'm like talking to myself. 

MSN takes forever to reply. 

Why is it that I feel like I'm no different from being alone? 

I hate this feeling.. 

=(

Ben's left.
So meaningless. =(
I miss Ben.
=((

He's only gonna be back in July.
So far. =(
I'm tired.
Gonna sleep.








i need a shoulder to lean on.

First Day.

=)
Okay, 8-12 was a bit bored cause there was nothing to do.
I was sitting at my table, reading about company's profile.
Ohh by the way, My company is Toppan Forms, also know as TFS.
My job scope there is a telemarketer. Yeahs, Office work for me now.
I hope I can take it. =\
Okay, like boss said this morning, I GOTTA HAVE CONFIDENCE!
I totally have no confidence in myself for office work.
Cause my impression for office work is, boring. -.-
But well, after what boss told me, it don't seems like it's that boring after all. =) Which is a good motivation.
Boss is a nice person. Good pay at a start. Of course, I can't expect them to pay me like A LOT when I just started working and with no experience of telemarketer. =\
Boss said all I need is just more on hands on and of course, gain experience slowly.

By the way, a short intro of my current company.
Toppan Forms (S) - TFS.
Does printing for all sort of Business Forms (BF)
Does plastic cards printing ( 2008 Grand Pix's Cards were done by us, NTUC, M1, MOE, MOM, MOH are also our big clients. A lot more of course. )
Does Ez-Stick for requested sizes and of course, customizations, like printing names on it etc.
We produce Printers that's of good qualities, heavy duty and printer that folds paper into the shapes you want it to be. Of course, standard ones. =)

Okay, For more information, visit the following link:
Toppan Forms Singapore.

People who reads my blog and is interested in the above mentioned things, please contact us. =)

First day was alright. Walking around to familiarize the place and know some people. It's quite a nice thing to see everyone dressing in Office wear. =) Including myself. I'm so damn not used to it. =\ I was wearing a black dress with a white vest. -.- hmm.. Don't imagine me in that please. =\ Girls looks pretty and guys looks handsome. LOL. No lahh, look smart. =)

I'm working with Pris. She's boss's secretary/PA. So yeahs, anything I need, go to her. LOL. =S

12-1 was lunch time. Had KFC cause I forgot who suggested that. =\ one of the girls. LOL. Ohh well, KFC just reminds me of someone who always bugs me to go KFC almost everyday last time. -.- Until I got so sick and tired of chickens. -.- But today, I miss chicken a lot. LOL. So we went to the one near Jurong Camp. Passed by the gate, where I used to wait for and send someone to camp, almost every weekend, LAST TIME. -.- I should have told Pris to detour. Shouldn't have passed by there and thought about the past. -.-
Ohh well, SMACK YOU KAT. Wake up.

Maybe Pris is right. Change of working environment, No longer F&B and nothing to do with skates. Be away from an Used-To-Be environment. And maybe like what she said, I should learn to open my heart and let someone else in to prove himself to me. I shouldn't sealed myself up. But the thing is, if I can do it now, I would have done it long ago. But well, I know she meant well. And I know she just wants me to be happy, not thinking about the past and dwell in it. I know, I know. But sometimes, I just can't go against what my heart tells me. Maybe moving on is the best solution but ohh well, I'm still me. If I cannot do it, I won't force myself. Slowly I guess.

Work was until 5:15pm. Office hours, what you expect right. =)
Went off with Pris cause she drove to work. Went to her old house to help her out a bit with the clearing of rubbish stuffs. She's now staying at Eric's place. Cause her flat is sold. And they've already looked for house, waiting for the hand over of key. She's passing her keys to HDB on thursday. So tomorrow her buyer is gonna go up her place to take a look. After packing until about 6-ish, Eric called and we went for dinner together. Eric agreed when I complaint about my office wear. -.- Grr. He said it's weird to see me in that too. LOL. After dinner it was about 7-ish. Back to Pris's place to carry on packing until about 8:45pm. Then Pris send me home and came up to visit Queen for a while. Ohh, Pris gave me a lot of the things ( especially clothes ) that she thinks it might be useful for me. -.- Yeah, she gave me tons of skirts for work. LOL. -.- And THICK books. -.- I think I'll take 4 Years to finish them. 4 of them and 1 year each. LOL. I don't like reading. And she gave me some branded bags that hmm, looks cute. =) HAHA. okays, I'm her rubbish bag. =\ And yeah, she and my Queen chatted. And me, very tired. =\ Pris left around 10pm and I go and do my things. Now blogging and I'm gonna sleep soon.

Queen asked about him just now when she was chatting with Pris. I don't know how to tell her what happened. I just keep pretending in front of my Queen. But I know, this pretendence ain't gonna last long. Pris looked at me when I was pretending, giving me that ' it's time to tell her ' kinda look. But I turn my head away, yet pretending I didn't see again.

I'm not happy, I know.
But I don't wanna keep looking back and things are just gonna be in a circular formation.

Time for bed cause I'm gonna wake up early.
Anyways, I don't wanna get emotional anymore.
I need to be strong so I can take care of my Queen.
I'm on my own now.

OMG. That guy from Malaysia just tell me on Msn that he's reaching Singapore tomorrow evening. OMG OMG. Hmm, anyone have good skills in Avoiding? =\ Hopefully his Human Resource is not that good. =\

I'm starting to get freak out by this guy.
Damn. It's turning me off.

And ohh, I feel like seeing someone so badly!
Ex-Boyfriend, Lin Ting. =)
Time for meet up, Botak. ^^

Goodnight.
Please pray for me that I won't have nightmares. Thank you. =)
God, Please give my Queen her health back. Amen. =\

Last Night.

Yesterday was Rookie Cup.
Weather was fine all the way....
Err, it still rained, heavily. Hais.
I thought it won't rain. -.-

Anyway, there wasn't any Women Category, so me and Lynn took part in the Opens Category. Yeah, out soon after qualifying. -.- ha.

After it rained, we went to chill at Mac. And after that, I left for home while the rest of the team head back to ECP. Darn tired. =\ Back home, bathed, use computer for a while, then slept for 2 hours. Head to Prince's place after i wake up cause Ang called me to work at E2 for him today, opening the shop for him. And it's like, 8am. LOL.

Today worked at E2 from 8-2pm, then C3 3-9pm. Basically, worked whole day. Both sides needed people, so i'm kind. I helped. Lol. Okay, it's lame. -.-

Now, i'm back home.
And, tomorrow i'm gonna run away. Tabao all my things and run away. =)





Last night as i was falling asleep,
i felt water on my cheek.
And the next thing i know is,
I fell asleep unknowingly.
I hope i was just dreaming,
but no, i'm not.

Insane.

I think i went insane. over Dota. =/

i didn't sleep on Thursday just to play Dota. i Dota-ed for total of 17 hours that day. =X I'm going crazy.. Shit. =S Was so damn tired. =/

Last night training, nothing much. Do the normal stuffs.
Rookie Com in two weeks?
EEks. I'm so sick of competition actually.
but ohh wells.

I've got Photos to upload. But I'm so Lazyyyyyyyyyyy.

okays, actually I'm troubled. By my own thoughts and feelings.
Me, as a person who is always cheerful and happy, I don't like this feeling of being troubled.
I'm someone who loves laughter and nothing in mind.

I read Lynn's blog few days back. and she was there grumbling about the truths and lies issues.
PERSONALLY, if I'm her, i would mind a lot as well.

I, cannot stand my boyfriend to be with me after he slept with a girl.
I, cannot stand my boyfriend being a bastard like that.
and this incident definitely is gonna cause some distrust for me in my boyfriend.
and it's definitely not gonna be any better if the truth is not out.

Sometimes when i know/ found out things that i shouldn't know about my Prince. It's not i don't wanna confront him or question him. I'm just waiting. to see if he's the heart to confess himself or admit his wrongdoings. And i call this, Chance to repent.

But apparently, sometimes he thinks his Princess is dumb enough or really that stupid that she doesn't know a single shits. He forgot his Princess will always have her ways to figure out the truths. and of course, I've got this sixth sense that tells me whether I'm right or wrong. And I did told/warn him before not to ever lie to me cause i REALLY REALLY hate liars.

I'm someone who can break up with my mate because he lie to me for your infor. Cause as i said before, when i'm harsh, i can be hasher than you ever imagine.

Cause to me, Trust is very important in a relationship. and what builds up the trust is truths. You use your Heart to treat a relationship and not just using your fucking mouth to sweet talk. That's why i never like guys who sweet talk a lot. To me, guys who sweet talks are just talking to cover up their lies. Pathetic people, cause they can't even be true to themselves.

okay, never mind. back to myself. Yes i'm troubled. I'm unhappy now. I'm frustrated now. I feel like slapping someone real hard or let me punch somebody. Too bad, the one who will always cheer me up isn't here. Ben, i miss you. It's always at these point of times, I'll think of Ben and miss him so much more than usual. Cause he's someone who's always there for me no matter what. He's someone who really know how to cheer me up. and i need that now, Ben. =(((

Moody.

fuck the world.

Rejected?

I'm rather disappointed with NYP's SDAE ( Special Direct Admission Exercise ).
damn disappointing.
I guess the hope of getting into NYP has vanished.

now, i'm hoping RP will give me a good respond.
i don't expect anything else..
i just wanna get into school and study again.
for, i miss schooling so badly.

i feel like venting all my anger/frustration/unhappiness/disappointment/dismay, everything on my hair. feel like shaving my head. GRR! but i know my uncle won't allow. and my Prince is definitely gonna get upset. cause he'll feel that he's with a guy instead of girl. know him too well. every if he don't speak a word.

and, i'm fucking pissed with the internet here. i want to upload photos. but it's just so slow that i can't fucking do that. WTF? damn angry. i'm gonna upload them to PhotoBucket.Com and try to put them on my blog. so wilson, i'll try my best to upload the photos! =)

alright, uploading them now. probably see them tomorrow bahhs. ^^

NOVEMBER BABIES.

today is my another friend birthday. my secondary school friend. (:

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY KAMAE! ^^

hope you'll have a super duper good one cause it's your 21st. 

get your golden keys yet? (:

you know i've always loved you girls since secondary one, no matter what happened in between. (:

meet up soon if everyone is free to meet. (: 

XOXO. ^^

hmm, nothing much to blog about. 

feeling blue. 

even though more or less everything is alright. =/

prince & princess, still the same. 

not going anywhere.

stuck at where we are.

i'm lost. very lost. 

lost in this relationship.

don't wanna give up.

but the hurt he left me with, the words, just keep going through my mind. 

someone, tell me what can i do.

to make myself feels better. 

and make this love we share for so long, 

be better.

i'm tired.

tired from all the crying.

i don't wanna cry anymore.

but thinking about what happened.

my heart just sank into depression.

i hope someone could pull me out the the hole that i've fallen into.

but, no one to blame but myself.

cause someone ever pulled me out.

but i was silly enough to fall back into it. 

stuck.

lost.

tell me where can i go now. 

i don't wanna think.

i don't wanna be sad. 

but each time i'm all alone,

i think.

and that's when i'll fall into sadness, all over again.

i don't wanna be alone.

but i have to accept the fact that no one can be just with me for 24 hours everyday.

so kat, 

wake up.

stop dwelling in unhappiness.

get everything over and done with.

don't wanna work.

sick of working.

i wanna go back to school.

and YOU!
did not make my life better for me.
don't get emo with me when i'm ignorant.

go away if you're not here to make things better.
don't worsen my life's condition as it's bad enough.

scram unhappiness.

i'm planning a lot to go back to school.
and, i mean it.
work, goodbye.

happy?

tell me,

 

how am i supposed to be happy, when you said i'm a burden?

how am i supposed to be happy, when you're not loving me for who i am?

how am i supposed to be happy, when i'm feeling devastated?

2nd Nov, a day i'll always remember.

2004.

4 years ago.

what happened.

all these years.

all the hurts.

i'll never forget.

god, brain freeze me.

brain wash me.

let me forget everything.

let me let go of everything.

if not,

make things better for me.

i'm naive, i'm foolish.

cause i just wanna believe one day he'll realize.

cause i just wanna believe his words. 

am i wrong?

maybe.

all i hope for was something so simple and happy.

love me for who i am.

accept me totally.

fulfill the promises made.

be there for me when i need you the most.

but;

i feel i'm just someone whom he'll only go to when he has no one. 

i feel i'm always the last person he'll turn to.

i feel i'm not important at all.

i feel i'm nothing.

really nothing.

empty.. 

i have a boyfriend, but he's never there.

i have a lover, but i don't feel loved.

what am i?

air.

kat, cheer up. 

fuck care everything else, 

except for your studies now.

speechless.

i don't know what to say already.

say this, i'm wrong.

say that, i'm wrong.

okay, i'm your burden.

okay, i'm your problem.

okay, i'm everything that's not nice.

okay, i'm the one who took away your freedom.

okay, i'm the troublesome one.

okay, i'm the cruel one.

okay, everything is my fault.

you're the best on earth.

you're flawless.

you're perfect.

you're the kindest.

you're the most understanding one.

you're the most sensible one.

you're the most reliable one.

blame everything on me.

blame me for not being able to trust you.

blame me that my queen don't believe your abilities.

blame me that my queen can't trust your words.

blame me for whatever that has happened or is going to happen.

blame me for everything.

sorry i've caused you so much unhappiness.

sorry i've been a burden to you.

sorry i've controlled your life.

sorry i got unhappy cause you spent too much time on your games.

sorry i got unhappy cause you totally don't care about me.

sorry i got unhappy cause you don't see my presence at all.

sorry i got unhappy cause you think you're the only one who's sad.

sorry i got unhappy cause you're being selfish.

sorry i got unhappy over everything in this relationship.

IF you can have those thinking like last night.

IF you can say those words to me.

IF you can think you're the one who suffered the most.

IF you can say things that doesn't even show respect to my queen.

IF you can feels being with me is like being tortured.

IF you can be that selfish.

IF you can be that insensitive.

IF you can be that immature. 

then i guess there's no point for me to try to make you realize.

then i guess i should just give up.

then i guess i should just move on.

then i guess i should just not be a burden to you anymore.

then i guess i should just let you have all the freedom you want.

then i guess i should just let you do what you're doing now and never know how to plan for your future.

then i guess i should just leave you like now, never know how to improve.

then i guess i should just let you go.

i'm the worst girl to be with on earth, get yourself another girl.

i'm the worst girlfriend on earth, find a better one.

i'm the lousiest girlfriend on earth, get a new and good one.

i'm not who you want me to be.

and i've told you many times that i'll never be the girl you want me to be.

like what i've told you before,

you'll never be able to accept me for who i am.

and now you're bringing me nothing but just a pack of stupid words that hurt. 

you've brought me nothing but all these pains. 

why?

times and again you're doing the same thing to me.

badmouthing me, telling stories about me. 

it seems to have been a thrill for you to do so.

it seems like you're another attention seeker.

shouldn't you be someone dear to me?

shouldn't you be someone who accept me the best?

shouldn't you be the closest to me?

but why are you like now? 

you're no longer someone i know as the understanding one.

you've slowly gone back to what you were last time.

seems like army doesn't help.

you didn't really grow up.

all you grew was just that build and nothing else.

army didn't taught values into you.

army didn't make you realize.

and so i was wrong all these while.

to think you're happy being with me.

to think you loved me for who i am. 

to think you'll always be the first one to be by my side when i need you the most.

to think you'll always be there.

to think you'll change for me.

but no.

all these while, you change for yourself.

and you don't change for me.

you always make things sounds so beautiful, like what my queen said.

but your words are just NATO. 

you never know how hurtful i was.

you never know how i cried myself to sleep almost every night. 

you never know how i felt. 

you never know how i struggled with my own emotions. 

and you're never understanding towards me. 

you're never sensitive towards me. 

and don't blame all that happened on bevan. you're bias against him, everyone knows. but stop it. there's nothing to do with him. 

if you can do what you wanna do.

play the games you wanna play.

hang out with the people you want to.

skate with whoever you want to.

then ;

why can't i do what i wanna do?

why can't i play what i wanna play?

why can't i meet the people i want to?

my life, is not just about skating.

skating is just a hobby.

there're more important things than this.

and i won't be skating forever.

cause i'm not like you.

i know how to prioritize. 

i know what i should be doing.

i know how to plan for myself.

i know what i want in the future.

zac lim,

think yourself.

are you really that perfect?

think about your future.

think, why do you not know what to do?

cause, you're not even ready to step into the society. 

cause, you're not even ready to give up all your funs and games.

cause, you've not totally grow up. 

these are the things i wanna say to you. 

and, stop telling me that you're ready to settle down when you're obviously not.

and, i'm not making a big hooha to you.

cause talking to you nicely, i'll never get my message across.

and i don't care if people thinks i'm always the one who start to quarrel in this relationship etc.

cause when you gave me faces, none of them saw.

and they'll never know all the hurts you've caused me. 

you need to do some reflection on yourself and repent. 

sad.

can you people tell me what will you do when you're really upset?

lock yourself in a room, emo?
blog and emo like an annoying pest?
go out?
cry?
eat?
sleep?
ignorance?
skate?
swim?
cycle?
listen to music?
blast trance music?
spend money shopping?
or work until you die?
talk to friends?
talk to family?

what will you do?

i think, a lot of times, i put them in words and blog it down.
or i'll choose to lock myself up from deep within my heart and pretend to be a happy person.
or i'll sleep and sleep and cry and cry.
skate like mad with trance music blasting at my ears.
and of course, eat A LOT.

some people may think by doing all these, i'm trying to get attention and sympathy from people who reads my blog. if you're one of those idiots who think so, then too bad. my intention was never that. -.-

i blog, so people whom i'm close to, people who wants to know about my life get updated about me. others, i don't really care about how you think. cause you're just an idiot, who means nothing to me.

if just so happen you pass by my blog during your ' blog-hopping ', then leave this blog alone. cause it was never meant for you to read. you're not in any ways important to me. people whom i'm not close to, scram.

i don't need anyone's pity or sympathy. cause if you think i need, actually you're the one who needs it more than anyone else. -.-

i always say, i'll be alright. don't worry. and i mean i just need time to adjust, adapt and accept. not because by saying that, let you think i need more attention from you. i never like to be to dependent on others, not even prince. i've always believe i can be independent. and i know what's right for me and what i should be doing. thus, i don't need your pity nor sympathy.

if you think i need those ' kindness '. then look into the mirror, and you'll see the person who needs them most. and, definitely not me.

i care about people who are close to me. i will wanna know more about them. wanna be there for them. but not be there to make them feel pitied or anything else. if you don't know where you stand in my life, you just stand there, don't move. and it'll be enough. i don't need you to move too close to me, cause basically, i'm not really interested to know about you that's why i don't approach you.

god's been quite fair to me, i believe. and i remembered i once said, life's never fair, it depends on how fair you make your life is. till now, i still believe this. well, if you disagree, i don't need to know cause this is my personal feelings. disagreements don't mean that it'll change MY views.

has anyone ever regretted what they've done in their life? for the past twenty years, there was only one regret that really makes me feel very hurt. and even thinking about it now, it still hurts. but it's all over and i've picked myself up from that fall. yet now, i think the second biggest regret i'll be having is, wasting my time on things that are not important.

i hate myself recently. hate myself for not studying hard last time. hate myself for not working hard in school. hate myself for being just an O level student. hate myself for leaving school. hate myself for fooling around when i had such a good chance to study hard. really, i hate myself. very badly. if only i had done well. if only i hard studied hard. if only i'm not who i am now. then, i think i'll be a much happier person than now, at this point of time. i could have earn much more than what i can. and i need not give up on something that was dear to me. need not give up on something i love.

i feel like a dead person, lately. no life, listless, lifeless. and everything seems to be meaningless.

god, get me outta this sadness. for i hate myself being like this.

i'm tired.
byebye.
photos, another day.

i'm sorry.

i don't know if i'm doing the right thing.
but i'm sure it's for the better.

i'm sorry onepointfour.
forgive me.

i'm sorry queen,
i've not been a good girl and caused you to be so worried.
i deserves to die.

lonely.

why do i feel so empty?
why do i feel so lonely?
why?

why it's just right after we've come to a decision?
why make me feel that i'm going to be all alone to go through all these?
why?
when i told you all i ever need was you to go through that with me?

why it seems like all your changes for these while was not for me, but just that something?
why make me feel that i wasn't what you really cared for?
why do i feel i'm being made used of?

why do i feel so not important anymore?

where have all your gentleness gone to?
where have all your caring gone to?

why do they disappear as soon as we came to a decision?
why do they vanish just within a few hours?

now tell me,
what do you really want from me?
who am i to you?
do you even care about me all these while?

and so,
after all that we've gone through,
i'm just nothing as compared to your hobby.
i'm nothing compared to 1.4.

before i sink into mentally depression,
you've already pushed me into the hole of devastation.

hush..

hush kat, hush.

stop crying and pick yourself up.

you can do it.

no more puffy eyes for you.
no more pains for yourself.

be strong and carry on.

you can do it.

gambateh!

520.

520 = i love you.

and this is my 520th post.

and it is,

PRINCE AND PRINCESS'S 75TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY! (:
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY DARL.
I LOVE YOU.

3 days. to decide my future.
3 days. to decide what i want.
3 days, is what my queen gave me.
3 days, is my time limit.

think, kat think. what do you really want?

settle down?
studies?
fun?
play?

or what?

think, kat. what do you really want?

this is gonna be forever.

and queen hit my soft spot.

to continue my studies...

god, save me.
what should i do.... :(

I AM...

fucking tired, worn out.

came in to work today, whole shop in mess, i have to clean.
1 hour later, 102 pairs of skates arrived, i pack.

i'm fucking tired now.
and the office phone keeps diverted to retail, which pissed me even more!

hate to be doing things beyond my own job scoop. i'm not paid to do so. fuck.

WARNING : EXTREME MOOD SWING DUE TO TIREDNESS. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY/DO WHEN YOU SEE ME. ELSE YOU'RE SO GONNA GET FUCKED BY ME.