Moody.

feeling the pms already.
i want to kill anyone who annoys me.
including E.

Needs.

just when things go so wrong now and i'm all unhappy and is in need of so much hugs, you are in camp. 

just when all i needed was you to be here with me, hugging me and comforting me, you are in camp. 

just when i needed you to be spending more time talking to me, you're in camp playing monopoly deal or doing whatever you need to do. 

seriously, at times i feel it's better not to be in a relationship so that i won't start relying and when i don't get what i need, i won't feel so down. 

I'm hating this. 

really. 

fuck all this.

Society Turn Me Into A Different Me.

Not true? Money has always been a huge issue in life.
Whoever invented money, FUCK YOU.

Dinner with Mama.

My body has been constantly taking in medicine since the beginning of the year. 

I've been so conscious about my weight, my looks, my everything. 

I'm so scared my weight would keep going up.

I just want to maintain a weight that's so skinny so no one will have any chance to say I'm fat.

I've been so frustrated and angry with myself that my weight has been gaining, this is bad.

Whatever efforts I've put in to make myself slim earlier this year has all gone down the drain. 

Holidays were all too great for the past few months and I'm now suffering from all the holiday fats. 

I hate taking photos now cause my face looks so round and I just can't stand it. 

I hate looking at myself in the mirror cause I feel like punching my fat face. 

I hate looking into the mirror cause I see my fat thighs and arms and tummy. 

Yes, I'm going on diet again. 

And I'm gonna make sure this time round, after I've slimmed down, I'm keeping my weight on a constant and not going up again! 

People tell me I'm not fat etc. 

But to me, I am. 

So stop telling me what I should do to my body. 

I know myself and I know what I want. 

In fact I guess, it's the society that makes me want things like this. 

Take a look on the streets nowadays, whichever girl that is not stick thin is called or classified as fat. 

Whichever girl who doesn't have a sharp chin or can't see their collar bones or chest bones are called fat. 

Okay, so be it. I'm fat, and now I'm gonna do something about it. 

Trust me, in one month's time I will hit my desired weight. 

I feel ugly cause people are classifying girls who put makeup as ugly, trying to cover up their ugliness. 

I feel ugly cause people say faces with pores are.

I feel ugly cause people say those with scars or marks or pimples are. 

I FEEL I'M FAT AND UGLY. CAN?! 

Fucking depress now. 

I'm having my menses, bloated tummy (result in fat tummy), always feeling hungry (result in keep eating) and having pimples (cause by the syndromes of menstrual cycle). 

SO YES, I'M FAT AND UGLY. 

I'm feeling so moody, so angry, so frustrated, so fucking fucking annoyed by every fucking comments that's coming to me. 

Yes, seriously PMS. 

And the fucking running nose, sore throat, rise in body temperature and everything else have to come together at this moment. 

FUCK MY LIFE. 

I need some alcohol. 

I'm so frustrated. 

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! 

Feel like killing myself. 

I hate myself so much now. 

Seriously. 

I swear weight is a fucking major issue that caused my lousy mood today.

So those who have been saying I'm fat, THANK YOU. 

YOU OFFICIALLY PISSED ME OFF AND MADE ME GO ON DIET. 

Thank you!

I swear I'm gonna weigh myself everyday now. 

And I need my fucking Boyfriend's hug now. 

FUCK.

Daily Thoughts.

just like any other days.
as I'm going home..

I always tend to ask myself a lot of questions.
especially when E is not with me.

like..
what is he doing now?
has he eaten his dinner?
what did he have for dinner today?
is he going anywhere later?
if he is then who will he be going out with?
who is he talking to?
what has he been doing today?
etc etc..

I don't know why but I've been like this.
somehow I guess it's the insecurities that he caused from hiding things from me previously.

sometimes I wish I was stupider so I won't end up having my sixth sense proven right.
but I guess the past relationship with Z has taught me to be this smart in relationship.
I've learn to see people's eyes to find out the truth. because Z was such a good liar back then and I was such a fool.

now that I've learnt how to.. it hurts so much each time I found out the truth.
truth hurts. but I rather be told of it than to find out myself.

because finding out myself will only make me feel more insecure towards E. I rather be the first person he tell everything to than to be the last person to find out what things were.

somehow I need to get myself out of this. I can't stay on like this. telling myself to be positive is not gonna help when all E did was nothing.

he's done a good job in making happier. but he's also done a pretty good job in making me feel insecure.

I'm upset. tears keep swelling around my eyes when I think of stuffs but I kept telling myself to hold them back.

don't know how long can I hold anymore.
I just want to worry about nothing and be happy.

Why..

Somehow I cannot remember when was the last time I never ask you ' really meh? '.

Seems like it's difficult for me to fully trust again.
I really hate PMS.
Because that's the time I start to thinking a lot, about the past, the present and the future.
The good, the not so good and the bad.

My mind is so tired.
Haven't slept over the weekend cause I was sleeping on other's bed and only managed to catch some rest last night at E's place.
It's always good to be sleeping next to him.
Because that's the only time I probably won't think so much as he's next to me.
That's probably the only time when my mind is in peace and can finally rest.

This issue has been in me for long enough but I just can't seems to let my mind free from all the thoughts and it's getting exhausted.

Suddenly tears is overwhelming and I feel like crying. I hate this feeling.
Been trying so hard not to think negatively but somehow negativity just hit me.
My heart feels so heavy. It's like a million pieces of rocks are pulling me down.
Feel so suffocated.

I just hope this week will be over with a blink of an eye.
It's Monday but I already feel like I'm in hell.
Grrrrrrr. ):

I'm feeling so fat and ugly.
I need to go on diet.
Lose all my fat thighs and arms and tummy.
Omg, society's 'skinniness' has officially put a stress on me.
Feel like killing myself.

PMS?

is it true that when you're having pms you're thinking a lot and feeling a lot?

somehow maybe it's true.
so much emotions in me now.
and it's all so negative.

I'm in need of so much attention and affection right now. ):

Withdrawal Syndrome..

Don't know why..
But I'm having this feeling..
Walking away from everyone..
Distant myself from everything.

I just want to be all by myself.
Be with who I wanna be with and that's needless to say, my family..
I just want E to be with me all the time, like the way my family is.

I feel so moody now.
Most probably because of my period visiting me soon.
I'm feeling so tired.

Coming home from an awesome holiday doesn't make me feel any better.
I miss taiwan so much.
I wanna go back there with E! ):

我以为。

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上我双眼我还看得见
可惜不是你
陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你
牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

我可以抱你吗爱人 
让我在你肩膀哭泣 
如果今天我们就要分离 
让我痛快地哭出声音 
 我可以抱你吗爱人 
容我最后一次这样叫你 
你也不得已 
我会笑笑地离去

Chloe came to office last Friday and she said she drew me in this picture. LOL.
The ' I ♥ U ' made me smile! :D

Baby Bryant is 5months old! (: So cuteee!
He keep quiet when I carried him! And that amazed Emilyn and Xinle! LOL

Banditz! :) 

Bestieee!

Ming Yao, our woodwinds instructor! :)

Elise. :) 

He said we're his 'kids' LOL

HAHA!

Mirror is loveeeee!

My sunshine went back to Malaysia already.. Now my days are rainy.. ):

Feeling like this.

Yes? No? I don't know.

I spent my weekend relatively well. Being with the girls, surrounded by people whom I'm familiar with is what I really need now. 

Surrounded by the sound of music by all the musicians at Victoria Winds and KTV session that helped to let me release whatever that was in me.  

Meeting up with Secondary School girlfriends and had a really good time at MindsCafe after not meeting them for such a long time was really awesome. It's always good to know that all my girls are doing well and good. Of course, most importantly, they're happy. :) 

Cousins and Granny is in town last night and they went to USS this morning. They can't be here for too long and today is the only day available for them. Too bad I can't join them this time. It's just too last minute. But I'm really glad that the weather is having mercy today by keeping it cooling the entire day! I was still worrying that it's gonna be heavy downpour in late afternoon! Please let them enjoy themselves today first! ): Queen updates her facebook so frequently that I know that they're having fun there and I'm happy seeing them happy. :) 

Apart from all the usual routines and having the same old people with me spending the weekend together.. There just seems to be somehow a little emptiness in me. Somehow, I just can't smile like before and I wonder why. Jeorgina's return to Malaysia made that worse. Breathing tube contraction is one of the causes I suppose. It's been ages since it relapse and it actually choose to relapse at this time. I feel out of breath most of the time and it's kinda suffocating me cause it makes me keep breathing through my mouth, hoping to catch a bigger breath but it's not and it caused chest pain. :\ I refuse to see my doctor cause I think it's gonna be over in no time. But it's going on for almost a week. Okay, I'll give it another week to observe further. I hope I don't die in my sleep when I can't breathe well. -.- 

Breathing tube contraction makes me really moody cause I keep feeling out of breath and I'm feeling really terrible the whole day. Even my girlfriend feels that I'm asthmatic. -.- Zzzz HELP!!! ): 

Gonna head home today and try to rest early! I haven't been resting well and my face condition is telling me that I lack of rest! 

Okay, update soon! (: 

P/S: 我没有答应自己离开你以后，我会过得很好。

I Wish?

This is every girl's dream. 

To walk on Victoria Secret's Fashion Show.

Exam tomorrow and my mind is filled with rubbish. 

I need to focus. 

Update soon. 

XX

Oh by the way, I didn't know losing 2kg in 2 days could be done easily.

Hmmm.

Man & Woman.

- When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom. 

- We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. 

- Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. 

- When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. 

- A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. 

- A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.

These are quotes from ' Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. ' 

You know there are difference in men and women and in general, women since the ancient time has always been the one who's giving the good and taking the shits. Why? Because women in the past are not allowed to have higher education than men. It's unfair to begin with? But now it's different, women do much better than men in almost all aspects. Other than fucking around. Okay, I'm not stereotyping here but it's kinda like a fact that almost all guys are desperate. If not, there will not be whorehouses around and there won't be rape cases isn't it? -.- And a lot of my guy friends tell me ' 10 guys, 9 of which are never innocent and the only one who is not is gay. ' LOL

Hmm. How true is that? I don't know. But if that can come from a man's mouth, I doubt it's fake. This week is passing too quickly. ): I feel like I have no time for anything. Why am I so packed with things when I don't want to? T.T My schedule is packed all the way until probably 7th Nov. -.- And that sucks. 

I need one week where by I'm totally off from everything. Or maybe a month. Just to go home after work then sleep by 10pm. I need that so much! ): 

Yesterday was just yet another day. I'm feeling super tired now because my 大姨妈 is here. FML. USS on Sunday is already half ruined. ): Much less to mention my photoshoot on Sunday morning too. ): Hates it when I have menses and everything else is happening at the same time. T.T 

Queen asked me some questions this morning. And no, it's not what she's thinking but I guess maybe she just gotta somehow get used to this. 

And by the way, yesterday felt like a Sunday and I had like ' Monday ' blue. ): 

I miss Baby Jeorgina. ): 

I wanna go back Malaysia! 

Exam in 2 days. 

Good luck Kat! :D

I trimmed my own fringe. How is it? HAHAHAHA.
My eye bags very bad, I know. ):

Happy Birthday Felix. Brownie from Shida!

Super thick chocolate. 

And yes, I had a piece. :\ Everyone knows I don't eat chocolate except for white chocolates.
But for Birthday wise.. I'll give face la. (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISSSSSSSS! ^.^

" Never Give Up " - This is so me. (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE. (:

Walk pass this place so I decided to buy for her.

Did I sleep down? LOL

Kris Darling's birthday on Monday and I met up with her, together with Tai and Eddy for dinner at Dan Ryan's. It's my first time there, it's pricey but kinda worth it to go once in a while. The food there is nice. But I doubt I will go back there on any normal days. >.< Haha. I met up with Tai first after I bought the cake and Garrett for Kris. Haha. After dinner we went to Arab Street for sheesha and I left after an hour as Mr Old Man is at home waiting for me and I don't wanna keep him waiting. :\ Back home, tired so showered and slept. 

This whole week was rather a busy and rushing week I should say. Assignment is due on the 15th and now I'm not even half way done and honestly, I find my Econ's lecturer is kinda a bullshitting most of the time. -.- I guess I have to depend on myself and my Basic Econs's knowledge to boost my final score ba. Sigh. Saddening. -.- Grrr. 

I'm going Batam on Saturday. Skipping class, AGAIN. Super unwilling but left with no choice. I'm not very excited over the trip actually. More like, that 'sian' feeling. Mainly because I've been feeling really tired from whatever that has been torturing me, consuming my time etc. I even had the intention to back out last minute for the trip. That's how looking 'forward' I am towards the trip. Or maybe I've been going on trip this year until I'm sick of going on trip. -.- And that's pathetic. I'm feeling home sick recently. I miss my Queen, princesses and my bed more often than I think. Maybe because I have been hearing things that I don't wanna listen before I sleep at night. Or maybe I feel that home is still the place to be. 

So many people graduated from their courses and photos are all on facebook. I'm so jealous, too jealous. If I hadn't waste my time on useless people, useless things, I would have gotten my degree as well. Now that I have to drag it for another 2 years. Waste time, isn't it? -.- I've been constantly blaming myself for the big mistake I've made; which is to flung my O levels for a guy who isn't worth it. Sucks to be me. -.-

Sigh. I haven't been in my best of mood lately I guess. Mood swing. Moody. -.- Okay, mind is blank now. Update soon. 

I don't think I can ever be Rose. 

If only I can have a love this strong. But it won't because I don't believe that so much anymore.

Now you know why I'm a Princess.

Yes, YOU.

Thank you.

Treasure your friends.

This morning, at Boyfriend's house.

Sometimes, it's nice to have views like these. 

Okay, bye. 

XOXO