i know it's time to think for myself lerx..... finally..

hellos everyone.. i'm back.. i feel much better now. don't worry about me. i'm trying to stay strong. :)

congratulation to iskandar. he passed his TP. yupps. received a message from him saying that he passed. :) congrats to him. got both car and motor license.

yupps. it has been one day, considering two for today since i last contacted him. i mean, call.. the last message was yesterday afternoon. i'm feelingg better already. thanks to nicole, mari and wilson. their support and care was there the past few days. chatting every night and message to show their concern. so nice. :) i love them.. hahas! i think tonight will be another long chat night. every night.. they try not to talk to me about him and divert my attention to something else.. encouraging to think of my works first.. how sweet. :) i know they don't wanna see me sad or unhappy.. of course, not wanting to see me cry cause that pains them as well. i know what i should do already.. i know i should be thinking of myself now.. all these years that i'm back to him.. he's my life's priority.. he's what i always thought of first and making me forget to even spare a thought about myself.. now i realised it's time to think for myself, for once. i don't wish to see all my friends worried for me, getting sad because i don't know how to prevent myself from hurts. haix. i know i'm really bad.. cause i made my friends worry.. make them sad.. sorry buddies.. so sorry..

i saw him online. but didn't talk to him.. don't feel like. haix. he said in his msn nick that he is unhappy but don't really know the reason why. but he is unhappy. don't know. i don't feel anything towards his nick anymore. i used to feel very sensitive whenever he put depressing or unhappy nick.. but now.. i told myself not to care so much. the more i care, the more i get myself hurt. i don't wanna get hurt. and i know that even when i ask him why, he'll just say nothing.. so why bother? haix.. well.. it's okays now. i know i'm wasting his time. anyone else don't except for me.

well.. i'm at canteen one now.. waiting for time to pass so i can go for skate club. :) then i shall enjoy myself today at skate club. practise for tomorrow's training.. :) hahas. i mean, practise what i've learnt last week. :) hahas. refresh my memories. :) so nice!!! ohh i miss skating.. :) hahas.

hmm.. like boring now? still got one hour plus sit here look at laptop. boring sia. hahas. :) okays. lols. hmm.. okays lahh i think i go do some works bahh. take care to all. :)

i know it's time to think for myself lerx..... finally..

hellos everyone.. i'm back.. i feel much better now. don't worry about me. i'm trying to stay strong. :)

congratulation to iskandar. he passed his TP. yupps. received a message from him saying that he passed. :) congrats to him. got both car and motor license.

yupps. it has been one day, considering two for today since i last contacted him. i mean, call.. the last message was yesterday afternoon. i'm feelingg better already. thanks to nicole, mari and wilson. their support and care was there the past few days. chatting every night and message to show their concern. so nice. :) i love them.. hahas! i think tonight will be another long chat night. every night.. they try not to talk to me about him and divert my attention to something else.. encouraging to think of my works first.. how sweet. :) i know they don't wanna see me sad or unhappy.. of course, not wanting to see me cry cause that pains them as well. i know what i should do already.. i know i should be thinking of myself now.. all these years that i'm back to him.. he's my life's priority.. he's what i always thought of first and making me forget to even spare a thought about myself.. now i realised it's time to think for myself, for once. i don't wish to see all my friends worried for me, getting sad because i don't know how to prevent myself from hurts. haix. i know i'm really bad.. cause i made my friends worry.. make them sad.. sorry buddies.. so sorry..

i saw him online. but didn't talk to him.. don't feel like. haix. he said in his msn nick that he is unhappy but don't really know the reason why. but he is unhappy. don't know. i don't feel anything towards his nick anymore. i used to feel very sensitive whenever he put depressing or unhappy nick.. but now.. i told myself not to care so much. the more i care, the more i get myself hurt. i don't wanna get hurt. and i know that even when i ask him why, he'll just say nothing.. so why bother? haix.. well.. it's okays now. i know i'm wasting his time. anyone else don't except for me.

well.. i'm at canteen one now.. waiting for time to pass so i can go for skate club. :) then i shall enjoy myself today at skate club. practise for tomorrow's training.. :) hahas. i mean, practise what i've learnt last week. :) hahas. refresh my memories. :) so nice!!! ohh i miss skating.. :) hahas.

hmm.. like boring now? still got one hour plus sit here look at laptop. boring sia. hahas. :) okays. lols. hmm.. okays lahh i think i go do some works bahh. take care to all. :)

i don't know what the ending should be.. but.. let's just cool ourselves down first before we do anything regretful..

i'm having break now. am at canteen four. have yet to eat. yeah. feeling confused, sad, terrible and in the state of lost...

last night, around 1.20am, i was talking to nicole over the phone. then he send me a message saying "sorry my phone no batt.. i suggest we seperate for 1month from today on. cool down. think about this relationship, is it hard to be together.. no batt le.. bye. " at that moment, my heart sank and i started crying. i feel so hurted. felt as though there're thousands of knives poking me. right into my heart. i couldn't control my tears. then nicole ask me for maria's number and she tried calling her. but ahe didn't pick upp. then we know she's asleep. after i call wilson, ask him if he's sleeping. he was sleeping but nevertheless, he's nice enough to wake up and talk to me. nicole ask him to call her phone and we conference. i told him about his message and stuffs. and there i go crying again.. both of them tried to talk sense into me and confort me of course.. then give advice on what i should do.. yeah.. we had a long chat until around 2.40am. yeah.. i'm on the phone for almost 3 hours last night.. just to talk about him with them.. we talked a lot. about my feelings for him and his feelings for me. about how i think of this relationship and how they see this relationship and many more. and oof course, why is he like that.. haix.. we really discussed a lot.. a lot.. haix.. lastly i put down the phone cause mom wants me to sleep. and before i sleep, i replied to his message saying "one month is too long for me. once i'm ready i'll tell you. and wanna tell you sorry if i hurt you in any way. take care and i love you always."

and this morning, before i leave home for school, he sent me a message saying.. "then how long?.. i feel so bad.. will you listen to me?" i don't know how to reply to his message and i just leave it. then ii message nicole and wilson tell them about his message. both gave me advices. nicole ask me if i still wanna be undder his control next time. and wilson ask me to tell him i'm unsure of the timing etc. i don't deny i need time now.. but i don't know how long i need. finally, i finally reply to message like half an hour ago? saying "sorry. i'm unsure of the time. let's just give each other time now before deciding anything else bahh. and.. i'll listen to you but the final decision is up to me to decide what i wanna do. so please understand this. sorry." haix.. i don't know how he'll react upon reading my message. maybe he'll be sad, maybe he'll be angry or maybe he don't even feel anything. i don't know.. i really don't know.. haix.

i've troubled wilson and nicole for almost the whole of last night. i feel so bad but they're okays with it and even say that if i need them, they'll be there for me. how nice to have friends like them. they're really treasured by me.. i love them all.. :) thank god that they're there with me.. or i really don't know what i'll do.. haix..

hmm.. yeahh.. that's so much for today.. anything i'll update again bahh..

i don't know what the ending should be.. but.. let's just cool ourselves down first before we do anything regretful..

i'm having break now. am at canteen four. have yet to eat. yeah. feeling confused, sad, terrible and in the state of lost...

last night, around 1.20am, i was talking to nicole over the phone. then he send me a message saying "sorry my phone no batt.. i suggest we seperate for 1month from today on. cool down. think about this relationship, is it hard to be together.. no batt le.. bye. " at that moment, my heart sank and i started crying. i feel so hurted. felt as though there're thousands of knives poking me. right into my heart. i couldn't control my tears. then nicole ask me for maria's number and she tried calling her. but ahe didn't pick upp. then we know she's asleep. after i call wilson, ask him if he's sleeping. he was sleeping but nevertheless, he's nice enough to wake up and talk to me. nicole ask him to call her phone and we conference. i told him about his message and stuffs. and there i go crying again.. both of them tried to talk sense into me and confort me of course.. then give advice on what i should do.. yeah.. we had a long chat until around 2.40am. yeah.. i'm on the phone for almost 3 hours last night.. just to talk about him with them.. we talked a lot. about my feelings for him and his feelings for me. about how i think of this relationship and how they see this relationship and many more. and oof course, why is he like that.. haix.. we really discussed a lot.. a lot.. haix.. lastly i put down the phone cause mom wants me to sleep. and before i sleep, i replied to his message saying "one month is too long for me. once i'm ready i'll tell you. and wanna tell you sorry if i hurt you in any way. take care and i love you always."

and this morning, before i leave home for school, he sent me a message saying.. "then how long?.. i feel so bad.. will you listen to me?" i don't know how to reply to his message and i just leave it. then ii message nicole and wilson tell them about his message. both gave me advices. nicole ask me if i still wanna be undder his control next time. and wilson ask me to tell him i'm unsure of the timing etc. i don't deny i need time now.. but i don't know how long i need. finally, i finally reply to message like half an hour ago? saying "sorry. i'm unsure of the time. let's just give each other time now before deciding anything else bahh. and.. i'll listen to you but the final decision is up to me to decide what i wanna do. so please understand this. sorry." haix.. i don't know how he'll react upon reading my message. maybe he'll be sad, maybe he'll be angry or maybe he don't even feel anything. i don't know.. i really don't know.. haix.

i've troubled wilson and nicole for almost the whole of last night. i feel so bad but they're okays with it and even say that if i need them, they'll be there for me. how nice to have friends like them. they're really treasured by me.. i love them all.. :) thank god that they're there with me.. or i really don't know what i'll do.. haix..

hmm.. yeahh.. that's so much for today.. anything i'll update again bahh..

my third entry of the day...

hellos. back here again.. third entry of the day.. again.. i miss him.. i still can't get.. feeling so terrible.. haix.. one day don't hear his voice.. i feel so weird..

i miss so many people today.. qianhui, zhen, chuti, maria, wilson, steven, elbry, kris, zeyi, kaishi. and many more. they're all in my mind.. nicole especially.. mei, i miss you so much.. arghh..
feeling so down lahh.. sobs..

haix.. msn with maria and wilson.. they ask me not to think so much etc lohh. what else can they do to make me feel better?? but.. somehow it doesn't help much lahh. but thank them for being nice and staying with me when i'm sad lohh. :) yupps.

hmm.. tired of blogging for today lerx.. bye.

my third entry of the day...

hellos. back here again.. third entry of the day.. again.. i miss him.. i still can't get.. feeling so terrible.. haix.. one day don't hear his voice.. i feel so weird..

i miss so many people today.. qianhui, zhen, chuti, maria, wilson, steven, elbry, kris, zeyi, kaishi. and many more. they're all in my mind.. nicole especially.. mei, i miss you so much.. arghh..
feeling so down lahh.. sobs..

haix.. msn with maria and wilson.. they ask me not to think so much etc lohh. what else can they do to make me feel better?? but.. somehow it doesn't help much lahh. but thank them for being nice and staying with me when i'm sad lohh. :) yupps.

hmm.. tired of blogging for today lerx.. bye.

arghh.. what am i suppose to do now??? i miss him terribly......

in compro now.. missing him as well.. i'm trying hard to reach him but cannot.. feeling so worried now.. he's at chalet. i don't know what happened to him.. is he okays? or could anything has happen to him?? what's he doing now.. haix.. his phone is still off.. and i still cannot get him.. i'm feeling so unsafe for him.. i'm worried.. is he okays? haiz..

ohh godd.. please.. let me receive his call to let my mind at ease.. i need to hear his voice.. i need to know how's he doing now.. i seriously need to.. i want him to be safe.. please god.. please..........

just now saw my tagboard.. there's this anonymous.. seems to be trying to create trouble again like those ill-bred people last time.. trying to cause problems. so irritating..

haix.. as i recall why me and dada got back together again.. i was asking myself if i regret going back to him or not.. my answer is NO. and i ask him the other day why he choose to come back to me. and he say cause he still love me that's why he regret and wants me back. and i remember on the day he ask me for patch, he promised that he'll be nice to me.. treat me well. but this promise has yet to be fulfilled.. he's someone who caused me a lot of sadness, and he's the one who likes to argue with me, quarrel with me until i can't stand him sometimes. but he's also someone whom i found my happiness. he's the one who gave me hope, lift me up high above the sky but again, he's also the one who let go of me and cause me to fall badly, destroy my hope in life.. i don't deny, at times, i really have the urge to break up with him and the words are already out of my mouth.. but my heart is breaking the same time as i'm telling him.. my heart hurt so much untill i wanna cry.. he'll scold me for being a cry baby.. but does he know that he's the only guy i cried so much for? does he know? he don't. why? and he accuse me of giving him up.. but does he know that he gave me the feeling that he likes someone else? all i want him to do in our relatioship is to assure me of his love for me, his devotion for me.. but he can't do that.. he didn't do that.. what can i do to make him assure me of this forever?? what can i do? i'm feeling so lost.. so lost.. very lost.. very..

haix.. don't know lahh.. i really don't know what i should do now.. i really don't know.. i don't know.. ohh godd. i need help.. i need. sobs. okays lahh. don't wanna blog lerx. bye bye..

arghh.. what am i suppose to do now??? i miss him terribly......

in compro now.. missing him as well.. i'm trying hard to reach him but cannot.. feeling so worried now.. he's at chalet. i don't know what happened to him.. is he okays? or could anything has happen to him?? what's he doing now.. haix.. his phone is still off.. and i still cannot get him.. i'm feeling so unsafe for him.. i'm worried.. is he okays? haiz..

ohh godd.. please.. let me receive his call to let my mind at ease.. i need to hear his voice.. i need to know how's he doing now.. i seriously need to.. i want him to be safe.. please god.. please..........

just now saw my tagboard.. there's this anonymous.. seems to be trying to create trouble again like those ill-bred people last time.. trying to cause problems. so irritating..

haix.. as i recall why me and dada got back together again.. i was asking myself if i regret going back to him or not.. my answer is NO. and i ask him the other day why he choose to come back to me. and he say cause he still love me that's why he regret and wants me back. and i remember on the day he ask me for patch, he promised that he'll be nice to me.. treat me well. but this promise has yet to be fulfilled.. he's someone who caused me a lot of sadness, and he's the one who likes to argue with me, quarrel with me until i can't stand him sometimes. but he's also someone whom i found my happiness. he's the one who gave me hope, lift me up high above the sky but again, he's also the one who let go of me and cause me to fall badly, destroy my hope in life.. i don't deny, at times, i really have the urge to break up with him and the words are already out of my mouth.. but my heart is breaking the same time as i'm telling him.. my heart hurt so much untill i wanna cry.. he'll scold me for being a cry baby.. but does he know that he's the only guy i cried so much for? does he know? he don't. why? and he accuse me of giving him up.. but does he know that he gave me the feeling that he likes someone else? all i want him to do in our relatioship is to assure me of his love for me, his devotion for me.. but he can't do that.. he didn't do that.. what can i do to make him assure me of this forever?? what can i do? i'm feeling so lost.. so lost.. very lost.. very..

haix.. don't know lahh.. i really don't know what i should do now.. i really don't know.. i don't know.. ohh godd. i need help.. i need. sobs. okays lahh. don't wanna blog lerx. bye bye..

lols. i'm feeling moody.. i wanna be happy..

back here today. now at convention centre. with guan cheng and sam beside me. later having compro. haix.

as expected, i need to retake my eltech. i failed. arghh!!! so irritating. don't know lahh. i'm so bored here now. just edited my friendster. yupps. hmm.. just now qianhui message me when i'm in eltech lesson. phone ring and like, lecturer teaching? hahas. yahh.

i couldn't get him since last night 10pm. he didn't pick upp my calls. don't know what he wants.. i don't know why, he make me feel that he still likes lynn.. i feel so insecured. i don't wanna have some distance between me and lynn.. but he seems to make this dificult for me to do so. he keep mentioning that if not because of lynn, we wouldn't be together. i'm like, are you telling me we're here, still together, not because you wanna be with me, but because you listen to lynn? he's making me feeling betrayed. again.... why must he say such things? why must he make me not feeling good to see lynn? why must he?? i'm trying hard to accept lynn's presence but why is he making it difficult for me? why?? must i really hate skating and disappear from east coast then he happy?? i don't know.. life's getting harder each day i'm with him.. why can't life gets better?? i'm feeling so terrible. so moody.. so sad..

haix.. qianhui ask about us just now, to show concern.. what else can i tell her? i'll only tell her the same old thing.. until she really finds me so stubborn until she cannot stand my stubbornness.. haix.. don't know.. i hope my perserverance can bring some happiness to me in the end.. it's impossible for me to fully let go of this long run relationship.. i won't be strong enough to lose it.. i won't be strong enough to handle my emotions. for i need him more than anyone else.. he's already part of my life, part of my body and soul.. i can't let go.. and it's facts.. haix.. hmm.. yahh..

ohh my godd.. other than him, there's nothing i think i could talk about.. cause i know, as long as i didn't settle the problem between us, i won't have the mind to think about anything else.. okays lahh.. people, don't worry about me.. i'll be fine.. i hope to find the happy kat back again soon.. real soon.. take care all.

lols. i'm feeling moody.. i wanna be happy..

back here today. now at convention centre. with guan cheng and sam beside me. later having compro. haix.

as expected, i need to retake my eltech. i failed. arghh!!! so irritating. don't know lahh. i'm so bored here now. just edited my friendster. yupps. hmm.. just now qianhui message me when i'm in eltech lesson. phone ring and like, lecturer teaching? hahas. yahh.

i couldn't get him since last night 10pm. he didn't pick upp my calls. don't know what he wants.. i don't know why, he make me feel that he still likes lynn.. i feel so insecured. i don't wanna have some distance between me and lynn.. but he seems to make this dificult for me to do so. he keep mentioning that if not because of lynn, we wouldn't be together. i'm like, are you telling me we're here, still together, not because you wanna be with me, but because you listen to lynn? he's making me feeling betrayed. again.... why must he say such things? why must he make me not feeling good to see lynn? why must he?? i'm trying hard to accept lynn's presence but why is he making it difficult for me? why?? must i really hate skating and disappear from east coast then he happy?? i don't know.. life's getting harder each day i'm with him.. why can't life gets better?? i'm feeling so terrible. so moody.. so sad..

haix.. qianhui ask about us just now, to show concern.. what else can i tell her? i'll only tell her the same old thing.. until she really finds me so stubborn until she cannot stand my stubbornness.. haix.. don't know.. i hope my perserverance can bring some happiness to me in the end.. it's impossible for me to fully let go of this long run relationship.. i won't be strong enough to lose it.. i won't be strong enough to handle my emotions. for i need him more than anyone else.. he's already part of my life, part of my body and soul.. i can't let go.. and it's facts.. haix.. hmm.. yahh..

ohh my godd.. other than him, there's nothing i think i could talk about.. cause i know, as long as i didn't settle the problem between us, i won't have the mind to think about anything else.. okays lahh.. people, don't worry about me.. i'll be fine.. i hope to find the happy kat back again soon.. real soon.. take care all.

47TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!! Finallly.. **him and only him** **i want my zhanyu back**

hellos. finally back after so long.. so many things happened. feeling very terrible, very sad recently. haix. i don't know what i should do now. feeling so lost......


anyway, wanna wish him a happy 47th month anniversary again. though i wished him already. next month, it's our fourth year already. but.. i don't seems to really look forward to it. like, i'm afraid something bad might happen. haix. don't know lahh.. i have been quarrelling with him recently, which made me feel so insecured. like, this relationship might just burst like that. feel soo insecured. i don't wanna end this relationship, i cherish it very much. i want it very much too. but, why is he not doing the same thing as me? can he just give me all his love? stay devoted to me? like, i mean, other than me, no other girls.. i mean, NO. i cannot accept my boyfriend to be thinking of another girl or getting close to any girls. i hate to see that. even if the girl is close to me, no means no. i CANNOT accept. just like he can't accept me knowing other guy friends.


few weeks back, i was quite pissed with the group of IC people cause of what dada told me. he said he ask them how they find me cause they happened to talk about the 'new' IC faces. and HE said the IC people said my peersonality SUCKS. and i'm like, i don't believe his words. he say it was my close friends who said that. i was thinking, my close friends?? wilson or maria? but yesterday night i spoke to them on the phone and just so happen i ask about the incident, both of them wasn't there. so it won't be them. wilson also tell me that he talk about me in the shop as well, with one or two people. but wilson didn't really hear what the conversation is about cause he's busy with his shoe. i'm still thinking who else could this 'close friends' he's referring to. elbriena? she's not there. lynn? kaishi? reeve? steven? xiaozhu? greg? or who?? javier? sky?? i don't know. i was really pissed after listening to what he told me that night and this made not wanting to see the IC people. i don't like people to talk behind my back. you can always come to me and tell me what you thinks of etc but don't talk behind my back. i cannot tolerate backstabbing between friendship. he also addd on saying that the IC people say i'm very ''childish, stubborn, demanding and unreasonable.'' i'm like, i admit i'm very very stubborn and childish at times (cause it depends on who i'm with). but the other two.. not so much lohh.. i tried hard not to think about what he told me about what IC people say but.. i can't control my emotions. i feel sad whenever i think of what he told me. it's like, i treat you as FRIEND but what do you take me as?? a FOOL??? why must they betray my trust towards them? why must make me lose faith in them?? why must they turn our friendship sour?? why why why???????? i feel really stupid lohh. to be treated this way by the people whom you take and treat sincerely like friends. i feel that i've been cheated all these while, by the fake behaviour. it's so stunning to know that they faking themselves in front of me and say my personality sucks when i'm being who i am and NOT hiding my TRUE SELF. why? what's wrong with being myself? what's wrong?? why can't i be who i am?? ifeel so depressed. i feel so terribe. i feel so stupid. i feel as if i'm being fooled. i feel.... so betrayed. by the badmouth-ing from the IC people about me. what can i say? what else can i say? nothing.. nothing..

recently, me and him quarrel over the slightest thing on earth.. because i wanna stay in east coast and skate and he wants me to go home. then he got pissed cause i don't listen to him. then end up we quarrel over this. and now i don't seems to be able to talk things out with him cause he doesn'y want to. i used to think that if i learn skating and the quarrel between us will be lesser cause we get to spend more time with each other skating. but now when i know how to skate, our quarrel didn't get lesser but increasing daily. it's like, then what's thw use of me learning skating? i want him to be happy that's why i took up skating as my hobby. i used to hate skating and he knows it very well. and again, he's the one who makes me love skating now and yet, he quarrel with me over skating. what am i suppose to do? what does he wants me to do?? he has totally changed.. the zhanyu i know last time won't do all these thngs to make me sad. he'll only do anything to make me happy. not sad. who is he now?? is he still the zhanyu i used to know? is he still my zhanyu? the zhanyu who will always tells me how much he treasure me and love me? how come? why has he become like this? I WANT MY ZHANYU BACK!!!!!!!!!!! whoever is in him now, please leave him alone.. please.. this is how helpless i am now.. how helpless i can be just wanting to keep this relationship.. i want my zhanyu back.. my zhanyu..... :"(

i don't know what else to say already.. he's the only one in my mind now.. i can't think of anything else.. my mind is just him and only him........

i'm too vexed to think of anything else.. bye bye. take care to all.

47TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!! Finallly.. **him and only him** **i want my zhanyu back**

hellos. finally back after so long.. so many things happened. feeling very terrible, very sad recently. haix. i don't know what i should do now. feeling so lost......


anyway, wanna wish him a happy 47th month anniversary again. though i wished him already. next month, it's our fourth year already. but.. i don't seems to really look forward to it. like, i'm afraid something bad might happen. haix. don't know lahh.. i have been quarrelling with him recently, which made me feel so insecured. like, this relationship might just burst like that. feel soo insecured. i don't wanna end this relationship, i cherish it very much. i want it very much too. but, why is he not doing the same thing as me? can he just give me all his love? stay devoted to me? like, i mean, other than me, no other girls.. i mean, NO. i cannot accept my boyfriend to be thinking of another girl or getting close to any girls. i hate to see that. even if the girl is close to me, no means no. i CANNOT accept. just like he can't accept me knowing other guy friends.


few weeks back, i was quite pissed with the group of IC people cause of what dada told me. he said he ask them how they find me cause they happened to talk about the 'new' IC faces. and HE said the IC people said my peersonality SUCKS. and i'm like, i don't believe his words. he say it was my close friends who said that. i was thinking, my close friends?? wilson or maria? but yesterday night i spoke to them on the phone and just so happen i ask about the incident, both of them wasn't there. so it won't be them. wilson also tell me that he talk about me in the shop as well, with one or two people. but wilson didn't really hear what the conversation is about cause he's busy with his shoe. i'm still thinking who else could this 'close friends' he's referring to. elbriena? she's not there. lynn? kaishi? reeve? steven? xiaozhu? greg? or who?? javier? sky?? i don't know. i was really pissed after listening to what he told me that night and this made not wanting to see the IC people. i don't like people to talk behind my back. you can always come to me and tell me what you thinks of etc but don't talk behind my back. i cannot tolerate backstabbing between friendship. he also addd on saying that the IC people say i'm very ''childish, stubborn, demanding and unreasonable.'' i'm like, i admit i'm very very stubborn and childish at times (cause it depends on who i'm with). but the other two.. not so much lohh.. i tried hard not to think about what he told me about what IC people say but.. i can't control my emotions. i feel sad whenever i think of what he told me. it's like, i treat you as FRIEND but what do you take me as?? a FOOL??? why must they betray my trust towards them? why must make me lose faith in them?? why must they turn our friendship sour?? why why why???????? i feel really stupid lohh. to be treated this way by the people whom you take and treat sincerely like friends. i feel that i've been cheated all these while, by the fake behaviour. it's so stunning to know that they faking themselves in front of me and say my personality sucks when i'm being who i am and NOT hiding my TRUE SELF. why? what's wrong with being myself? what's wrong?? why can't i be who i am?? ifeel so depressed. i feel so terribe. i feel so stupid. i feel as if i'm being fooled. i feel.... so betrayed. by the badmouth-ing from the IC people about me. what can i say? what else can i say? nothing.. nothing..

recently, me and him quarrel over the slightest thing on earth.. because i wanna stay in east coast and skate and he wants me to go home. then he got pissed cause i don't listen to him. then end up we quarrel over this. and now i don't seems to be able to talk things out with him cause he doesn'y want to. i used to think that if i learn skating and the quarrel between us will be lesser cause we get to spend more time with each other skating. but now when i know how to skate, our quarrel didn't get lesser but increasing daily. it's like, then what's thw use of me learning skating? i want him to be happy that's why i took up skating as my hobby. i used to hate skating and he knows it very well. and again, he's the one who makes me love skating now and yet, he quarrel with me over skating. what am i suppose to do? what does he wants me to do?? he has totally changed.. the zhanyu i know last time won't do all these thngs to make me sad. he'll only do anything to make me happy. not sad. who is he now?? is he still the zhanyu i used to know? is he still my zhanyu? the zhanyu who will always tells me how much he treasure me and love me? how come? why has he become like this? I WANT MY ZHANYU BACK!!!!!!!!!!! whoever is in him now, please leave him alone.. please.. this is how helpless i am now.. how helpless i can be just wanting to keep this relationship.. i want my zhanyu back.. my zhanyu..... :"(

i don't know what else to say already.. he's the only one in my mind now.. i can't think of anything else.. my mind is just him and only him........

i'm too vexed to think of anything else.. bye bye. take care to all.

don't worry about me..

hi all. looks like i'm making everyone worry again.. so sorry..

hmm, don't worry about me. i'm absolutely fine. nothing happened to me. i just some time of my own. i just need my friends to shower all their friendship-love to me yeah? i'm lack of love.. hahas. :) i needs lots of love!!

hmm.. i think i gotta go first lerx.. gotta catch a lecture..

don't worry about me..

hi all. looks like i'm making everyone worry again.. so sorry..

hmm, don't worry about me. i'm absolutely fine. nothing happened to me. i just some time of my own. i just need my friends to shower all their friendship-love to me yeah? i'm lack of love.. hahas. :) i needs lots of love!!

hmm.. i think i gotta go first lerx.. gotta catch a lecture..

came to early for nothing.

lols. in school now.. like damn bored? i came to school early, supposingly to take EEPS test but not enough time. so have to come back tomorrow morning lohh. lols. hahas. it's okays lahh. then message qixian ask him come school accompany me. until now he still haven't reachh.. i just called him and guess what?? he told me he's going to take cab now.. dots.. hahas. i'm like okays. i thought he reaching school or something. hahas. never mind. it's okays. :)

hmm, tomorrow meeting qianhui they all for lunch before i go skate training. i think i missed a lot for monday's training. arww~ never mind. must catch up soon. i'm a lousy skater so must buck up. lols. hahas. yes i need to.. haix~ miss qianhui they all sia.. miss chuti.. miss yuzhen.. so long never see them.. scarly they don't miss me lohh. haix~ i'm seperated from them sia.. they in same poly.. i'm the only one so far away. haix~

hmm, i'm HUNGRY!!! waiting for qixian to come then go eat. faster lahh white eat!!! hahas. okays lahh. i wanna go see forum lerx.. take care to all.

came to early for nothing.

lols. in school now.. like damn bored? i came to school early, supposingly to take EEPS test but not enough time. so have to come back tomorrow morning lohh. lols. hahas. it's okays lahh. then message qixian ask him come school accompany me. until now he still haven't reachh.. i just called him and guess what?? he told me he's going to take cab now.. dots.. hahas. i'm like okays. i thought he reaching school or something. hahas. never mind. it's okays. :)

hmm, tomorrow meeting qianhui they all for lunch before i go skate training. i think i missed a lot for monday's training. arww~ never mind. must catch up soon. i'm a lousy skater so must buck up. lols. hahas. yes i need to.. haix~ miss qianhui they all sia.. miss chuti.. miss yuzhen.. so long never see them.. scarly they don't miss me lohh. haix~ i'm seperated from them sia.. they in same poly.. i'm the only one so far away. haix~

hmm, i'm HUNGRY!!! waiting for qixian to come then go eat. faster lahh white eat!!! hahas. okays lahh. i wanna go see forum lerx.. take care to all.