Society Turn Me Into A Different Me.

Not true? Money has always been a huge issue in life.
Whoever invented money, FUCK YOU.

Dinner with Mama.

My body has been constantly taking in medicine since the beginning of the year. 

I've been so conscious about my weight, my looks, my everything. 

I'm so scared my weight would keep going up.

I just want to maintain a weight that's so skinny so no one will have any chance to say I'm fat.

I've been so frustrated and angry with myself that my weight has been gaining, this is bad.

Whatever efforts I've put in to make myself slim earlier this year has all gone down the drain. 

Holidays were all too great for the past few months and I'm now suffering from all the holiday fats. 

I hate taking photos now cause my face looks so round and I just can't stand it. 

I hate looking at myself in the mirror cause I feel like punching my fat face. 

I hate looking into the mirror cause I see my fat thighs and arms and tummy. 

Yes, I'm going on diet again. 

And I'm gonna make sure this time round, after I've slimmed down, I'm keeping my weight on a constant and not going up again! 

People tell me I'm not fat etc. 

But to me, I am. 

So stop telling me what I should do to my body. 

I know myself and I know what I want. 

In fact I guess, it's the society that makes me want things like this. 

Take a look on the streets nowadays, whichever girl that is not stick thin is called or classified as fat. 

Whichever girl who doesn't have a sharp chin or can't see their collar bones or chest bones are called fat. 

Okay, so be it. I'm fat, and now I'm gonna do something about it. 

Trust me, in one month's time I will hit my desired weight. 

I feel ugly cause people are classifying girls who put makeup as ugly, trying to cover up their ugliness. 

I feel ugly cause people say faces with pores are.

I feel ugly cause people say those with scars or marks or pimples are. 

I FEEL I'M FAT AND UGLY. CAN?! 

Fucking depress now. 

I'm having my menses, bloated tummy (result in fat tummy), always feeling hungry (result in keep eating) and having pimples (cause by the syndromes of menstrual cycle). 

SO YES, I'M FAT AND UGLY. 

I'm feeling so moody, so angry, so frustrated, so fucking fucking annoyed by every fucking comments that's coming to me. 

Yes, seriously PMS. 

And the fucking running nose, sore throat, rise in body temperature and everything else have to come together at this moment. 

FUCK MY LIFE. 

I need some alcohol. 

I'm so frustrated. 

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! 

Feel like killing myself. 

I hate myself so much now. 

Seriously. 

I swear weight is a fucking major issue that caused my lousy mood today.

So those who have been saying I'm fat, THANK YOU. 

YOU OFFICIALLY PISSED ME OFF AND MADE ME GO ON DIET. 

Thank you!

I swear I'm gonna weigh myself everyday now. 

And I need my fucking Boyfriend's hug now. 

FUCK.

Upset.

Hi my diary, 

I've not been feeling happy since I heard of the news on Monday. 

I'm frustrated, angry, upset and disappointed. 

Frustrated because E is gonna have every chance to see the two person I detest the most in this company every fucking day. I can't do no shit about this because I'm not the one who arrange them to go over. But he could have just find another job, probably better paying and leave that place.

Angry because E only kept telling me he don't know what to do when all he should do is tell the two fucking person to stay away from him. But now, he choose not tell them and he got me all angry and upset. 

Upset because after all my grumbling etc, all E did was ' I'm tired, I wanna sleep. ' when he has been busy the first two days of this weekdays, I didn't bother him or complain that he didn't have time to talk to me, like the way I used to but when he finally did on Wednesday (And I'm already all hot, pissed and unhappy due to the neglegence he gave me the past two days), I lost my cool because I was all moody. He told me finally he's free and less stress from work and I gave him responses that makes him doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Was I wrong to tell him that all the negligence he gave me since after Valentine's day whenever we're at work is making me getting used to him not being around me? Was I wrong to tell him that he's making me getting used to not needing him? It's a fact that it's not the first time he neglected me like this already, was I wrong to tell him that? From the day I kept complaining about him neglecting me, the times I kept asking for his attention and the times I kept throwing tantrums just because he isn't giving me the attention that I want and needed till today, I don't even ask for his attention anymore. I don't throw tantrums on him anymore. I don't even finds it weird that I don't see him for a week already. Tell me now, is this all okay and healthy in a relationship? I'm unhappy. I don't want this but he always just brush it off by telling me he's tired, he doesn't want to quarrel so he change the topics etc but I'm still unhappy, the problem still exist and I'm just not gonna be happy at all, AND HE JUST DON'T GET THAT. That day, he replied me with an 'ok' after I tell him what his negligence did to me. To me, in my head at the back of my mind, ' WTF IS THIS REACTION. YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL NOW IS IT?!' So I told him, sometimes his reply makes me not want to talk to him anymore. And there, he said he was talking to me nicely etc and my responses makes me doesn't want to talk me anymore. GREAT. VERY WELL DONE, E. You're indirectly telling me that whatever I said was wrong. You, neglecting me is correct. You, making me feel like I don't need you is correct. You, everything you said is correct? Sure. You just further pissed me off. I ended the conversation by telling him 'Don't talk then don't talk'. Those who knows me well would probably expected me to react like this. I'm pissed, I really am. Too many things pissed me at the same time. He didn't contact me the whole of yesterday, bravo. Further proved me right that he thinks he's right and I'm wrong. FUCK YOU. If I was still the old me, I'm sure the next thing he's getting from me is ignorance. But because I promised him that I will not ignore him no matter how angry I am, I kept to my promise and reply him whenever he text me or talk to me. He have no fucking idea how much I wanted to ignore him. Because given my character, I HATE, I repeat, I HATE any forms of contact with the person I'm angry with. But I'm keeping my promise. He have no fucking idea how he's killing this love I have for him with his replies and attitude towards me. Just because I'm loving him more than before doesn't give him the rights to make me upset more than before. He changed, I do too. DON'T, I said, DON'T kill this feeling I have for him now. Because when he lose it this time, he's losing it forever. I'm not threatening him but stating a fact. I just need one more mistake, one more huge mistake he make and I will take my leave. If I can do it to Z, I'm sure I can do it to him. Instead of being in a relationship that doesn't make me happy, I rather I suffer in heartache. 

Disappointed because E treat it like nothing happen the next day, which is today. I have no idea how long can I tolerate this. But somehow or rather this is breaking me up slowly. I've cried in some nights for the past 1.5 months. Because I was upset, I felt that whatever changes I make, E feels that it's my duty. Because now that I finally love E, he's being so fucked up at times. He kept telling me ' that's the reason why I wanted you to change. If not we won't work out. ' THEN WHY. Why when I feel that we won't work out, when I wanted to give up and let go despite the pain that I might feel, he pulled me back. There are times when I felt like I couldn't stand myself making changes anymore that I rather to give up on him than to keep making those changes.. But he pulled me back. If he have the will to pull me back, why can't he have the heart to treat me differently? Was it because he know I have a soft spot for him? Was it because he knows that I can tolerate shits? No doubt that he makes me the happiest. But he's also the one who makes me feel the lousiest, shittiest and saddest. Oh how disappointed will I get in the end? I have no idea. 

The happiness he gave me was all short-lived. Temporary. Just like maybe over the weekend. Or when we're on a trip. But that's not what I want. I'm tired of all these ' he-thinks-we're-doing-well ' shits. I'm tired of him being the one who say how well is this relationship doing. Fact is, HE is a MAN and I'M a WOMAN. He doesn't understand that I need him to be physically here with me in order to keep us going. He feels that things for us now is better than before. No, to me it's not. As simple as that. I hope to trust him more but he breached my trust too many a times and sometimes whatever he say/do makes me suspect him more. He makes me feel like I'm unimportant. He makes me feel like I'm replaceable. He makes me feel like being with him, it's one of the most tiring thing to do. He makes me super unhappy. 

They say ' No reason to stay is a good reason to go '. 

Am I suppose to let go before it's too late? 

Or am I suppose to hold on and wait for him to make some changes? 

I want a future with him, we talked so much about future. 

But with the way he's treating this relationship and me, how am I gonna last a lifetime being like this? I will get tired eventually and I will let go eventually. 

Unless he's able to make things different from now. 

I need to feel different constantly. I need to know he's willing to make sacrifices for me. I need his reassurance all the time. 

Because for him, I'm willing to give up everything to make him feel different. And I need him to do the same for me. 

I don't want to be an ordinary girl in his life. 

I want to be the one and only special girl. 

Yes, I'm demanding but this is what I need in a relationship to keep it going. 

I NEED TO FEEL SPECIAL.

FUCKING SPECIAL. 

NO!

From Sharon Darling. :)

My stupid pimple and dark circles and eyebag. -.- 

My Korean classmates are damn sweet! ;)

Carebear from Kris Darling! :)

I choose this! :)

My look today. Look like some sick people. -.- 

Didn't even put eyeliner cause I'm having shoot tonight! Leaving the rest of the makeup later! :)

As my title says, NO! I don't think I'm anorexic! -.- I just don't feel like eating and if I force myself to eat something, I will feel like vomiting? I mean I will still eat something when I'm feeling hungry.. But the problem now is, I DON'T! -.- Sigh. It's going almost 2 days of no solid food since Tuesday's lunch, which was my not-finished-chicken-rice. -.- I just feel very thirsty most of the time and my tummy is always feeling bloated. -.- I never liked water so most of the time I will drink coffee. BOO. I think this can go on until Saturday when I finally meet my girls for steamboat. -.- Gosh. I swear that steamboat is gonna be so not worth it for me! Cause I'm probably gonna just keep drinking the soup and not eating much. GRRRR. But it'll be worth it to be spending the eve with my two most important girls. :) 

Baby Jeorgina's Birthday is in Malaysia this year.. But I doubt I'll be going back cause it's kinda rushing for me. :\ Queen is going back later today with the two girls and I'm not gonna spend my eve squeezing with people in Malaysia going back. And I don't wanna rush out on 26th to meet my girls for dinner. So yeah, giving it a miss this year. So, I'll be going to Vivian's house for the Christmas party instead! :) Can't wait for all the good food and drinks! :) It was 2009 since I went to the last Christmas party! :) Feel like baking something! Maybe I should stayover? HAHAHA. I'll decide soon! :) 

I'm hoping for this two weekends to be good. :) and I hope 2012 will be a good start. :) Many shoots have been arranged! And I'm pretty excited! :) Hope I can continue to lose my weight until like I'm back in Secondary School. HAHAHA. >.< I think I'm gonna cut my hair after Chinese New Year. Haha! :) 

Don't know why but my heart is kinda feeling heavy. Haven't been wanting to go out in large group. First time in so many years, I rejected to meet you all in late nights. I guess I'm starting to give up trying to maintain that friendship we share. Yes, you all been through all the tough times with me. Bring me out of darkness and be there when I needed you all. But really, why must it always be me who take the initiative to call you all before we can finally meet? I'm tired of being the one who have to always do that. Because it's always me fitting into the timings that you all want and it's always late at night. Ever spare a thought for me that I have got work the next day? Always telling me a time to meet but end up always not being able to make it and cancel it last minute or always call me like half an hour before hand and expect me to be free to meet? Really, I'm not like you all.. I don't have that much of free time to keep waiting and waiting. Your time is precious but so is mine. You all have your priorities and so do I. I hope you all know that I'm not someone whom you all look for just cause you all are bored. I hate that feeling. I hate to be put as an option when I put you all as my priority! You all still can call me out, if you all still remember me? But no, I'm not gonna be like before anymore. I'm not gonna be the one who's gonna call you all anymore. Enough is enough. I'm done being Miss-Nice towards you all for the past almost 4 years? My tolerance towards you all has finally reached. 

Update soon.

And YOU! Honestly I have no idea why I keep thinking about the you last time. Not now but more like last time. Rewind. Too much rewind these days. Hate every single part of my house that has you in it. I hate the minute I open my eyes I still see the photos there. I hate the minute I walk to my hall and I saw that photo there. Looking back at those photos reminds me of the good old days. Good old days before I feel different, which is more than a year ago. Seriously I hope you can get out of my mind now. The last time you. The you when we went to Batam and Bintan. The you when I still would want to go that extra mile for, that I would accept anything for. But you lost it all, just in one night. I guess maybe it's time to pack everything that has you in it. I need to do that soon, real soon. 

Pfft. *Edited.

One more thing off my loads.

The guy who once claimed to love me from heaven to earth, is now after another girl. For that girl's chinese name is similar to mine. Oh, wake up boy. Know what you're saying. You don't love me, not at all. You love YOURSELF. Good luck to that girl. Cause he's so gonna make another girl suffer, according to his mother. Only when he can think like a mature man, then maybe he won't. But right now, he'll make all the girls suffer.

Playon.sg, Playboy. Pfft. Whatever. Have fun then.

I'm so sick of all the craps.
For words are said, no longer as promises, but as lies.

Fuck liars.
Go to hell, idiots.

Ignorant.

Are you sure you've not asked my Queen about me?
What are those messages?
What was all that for?

Can't I even speak my mind about being uncomfortable when you're contacting my Queen?
It's MY family, MY life now.
What are you trying to do?
What are you trying to prove?

When are you gonna stop all these that you haven't been doing in the past?
What's wrong with being in the past?
I PERSONALLY feel that we're better off like the past and not now.

Who screwed all the happy moments?
As a friend, as a brother?
Why do you have to say all those that you shouldn't even have mentioned?

You messed up this friendship, by saying all those that you shouldn't have.
You messed up this friendship, by doing things that you don't normally do in the PAST.

Why are you changing everything?

I think, I shall be ignorant towards you too.
If that can makes me feel better.
I'll state my stand to my Queen.
And, I WILL NOT tell my Queen anymore things about me should this continue.