give myself a time frame? 

i don't know. 

it seems to be the right thing to do. 

but why am i hesitating? 

i'm feeling tired, literally. 

i need my sleep. 

"sleeping pills."

first time in my life I'm resorting to this.
I need my sleep too badly.
body is failing me.
goodnight.

Think Of Something To Be Thankful For #2.

1. i'm thankful for my friends who has been watching out for me and remembering me. :)
2. i'm thankful that my boyfriend showed supports for my decisions. :) 
3. i'm thankful that baby jeorgina is at my house now and she makes me happy. :) 
4. i'm thankful that my online parcel arrived to me safely today! :) 

So yeap.
today is ending and these are the thoughts in my mind.

I feel extremely happy today for some reasons.

• in the morning when E asked me to guess which team won last night's semi-finals. I guess correctly even when i didn't watch the match. *super zai feeling* cause i even guess the number of scores correctly though it's a penalty. :D
• i saw ferrari carplate 33. It has been a while!
• i saw lamborghini carplate 9999. It has been a long while!
• i'm happy that my impromptu decision to go BKK in august is all going well and i have 8000baht with me now! >.< HEHE. 

I don't know why but i'm worry about my own future. 

i'm worry about what's not even in my life just yet. 

somehow i'm afraid to make decisions.

but in this cruel reality, we're force to make decisions. 

i hope days in the future will be better. 

i need to leave where i am now. 

Happy Birthday Eddy!

Pretty Eddy!

I met up with him for lunch and check-in the hotel with him first.

The living room!

The bed!

Bath room!

Shower and tub!

The pazio that we didn't use.

Busy putting the champagne into the fridge!

Addressing to him.

Toilet!

He join me. haha.

what's this?

lubricant and condom. LOL

instructions on how to use them.

View from their mini pool!

I can see MBS here!

Swissotel!

Ready to swim!

decorated with balloons!

Champagne party must have champagne balloon!

Wall.

Nerd chunli. LOL

Brownie as birthday cake!

school boy with chun li.

school boy with the girls.

one more.

and more.

i love L & myself at the back. LOL

oh shit, i'm left alone. 

the boys.

Wahahaha lucas's leg!!

opening his first present!

TADAH, wheels. 

hahaha

surprise!

he and the bobbies girls.

preparing him!

LOL

siao char bor.

one of his task.

promoting armpit shaver to one stranger. LOL

pornstar poses. LOL

rehearsing for super bass. 

Okay, I'm lazy too update my blog. -.-

This post is a month late. 

So, it was Eddy's birthday last month on 30th.

he booked a hotel room at bugis/city hall area named Naumi. 

he booked the pazio executive room which was not bad. 

situated on the 4th level of the hotel, with a pazio, that's all.

the swimming pool is a mini infinity pool which was at the highest floor, 10th floor overlooking swissotel, and can see a bit of MBS. haha. 

we were asked to dress according to the theme as geek/nerd/mismatched. 

i dressed as a nerd mismatched chunli. 

we went out for dinner at marina square's cafe cartel. 

for some reason, we were just feeling tired and restless while waiting for food. LOL

i guess the over-excitement from hotel to marina square burnt our energy. 

but i swear i was feeling super embarrassed at the beginning cause other than dressing up for party/halloween, i don't even do that!

okay, i admit, i'm too old for all this dressing up party. -.- 

but all in all, we all had fun! hahaha

though we got chased out cause there were too many of us. 

i stayed with them until about 1-1:30am? 

poor Boyfriend was waiting for me at home. 

eddy was asked to do a lot of task etc before he eventually could get his birthday present. 

i hope this going to be 30 old man is happy on his last 2 birthday!

apart from all these, life has not been that fantastic. 

i don't know if i should love 2012 or hate 2012.

too many things happened and somehow i guess, i'm not as happy as before.

i've been questioning myself lately, 'when was the last time i smiled happily and unknowingly?' 

i really don't know. 

i'll update soon.

take care everyone.

Serious Thoughts.

Times like this are times I hate the most. 

To think about what should I do to this realistic situations. 

Everyone hope for a fairytale life, a fairytale love and those happily ever after endings. 

But this is not what it is in real life. 

I'm caught in between.

Between getting back to who I used to be and choosing to be with who I love. 

I love E, that's for sure. 

But I love myself too. I want myself to be happy too. 

E makes me happy, no doubt.

But he makes me unhappy too and it's happening too frequently these days. 

I'm unhappy. This is a fact.

I don't understand his unnecessary actions and I will never understand why he never for once put himself in my position and think about how I will feel before he do anything and despite me telling him so many times before. 

He keeps asking me to change, change my temper change my attitude etc etc. 

Sometimes I feel, all I need to do is maybe just change a boyfriend. 

I don't know how many times do I have to tell or say him before I eventually get what I hope to see in him. 

I don't know how many times do we have to argue or quarrel just because he keep doing the same damn thing. 

I don't know how many times do we have to get into cold wars just because he pissed me off, didn't managed to coax me and I don't feel good and I refuse to speak. 

I don't know how many times does he have to tell me ' you need to control your temper. ' when all I know is that my temper was well controlled these days and I only erupt when it comes to him. 

I don't know how many times does he have to tell me ' you need to stop getting angry so easily. ' when I only get angry with him because he just refuse to think about how I will feel before he do anything. 

Why do I have to put someone who doesn't spare a thought for me when he's doing something as my  priority? 

Why do I have to tolerate him ALWAYS telling me ' I forgot ' whenever he fails to spare a thought for me? 

I believe I deserve a lot more attentiveness from a guy. 

I believe there's someone out there who will be able to give me the kind of attentions and needs that I need. 

I'm questioning myself.

Do I really need to have a partner with me? 

I don't know. Maybe and a yes or no. 

And if it's a don't know, why?

If it's a maybe, why?

If it's a yes, why?

If it's a no, why? 

I just feel really tired that things are just like being put on a repeat. 

It's not me who repeatedly doing the things but I'm repeatedly being unhappy about the same kind of things. 

Yet I get blamed for being not able to control my temper, and I get angry easily and I don't tolerate well enough? 

I think my tolerance level is super high already. 

Given it to any other girls whose tolerance level is just normal, I think the amount of arguments and quarrels could have doubled or tripled. 

It's not difficult to make me happy. 

I just wanted him to always put himself in my position to feel what I will feel, is it that difficult? 

He expects me to spare a thought for him but yet he never did. 

And when I get angry he will tell me all those things. 

Honestly, for what piss me off in the first place?
You can't handle my anger then don't let that happen, isn't it simple?! 

Having your partner to shake off your hands just because his friends is around is something NO ONE will ever like. 

Stop being so fucked up and I'll stop being a bitch. 

It's a two-way thing. It takes two hands to clap.

Really, what the fuck was that for?

I really don't understand.

11:19pm.

it's raining now.

and I'm thinking of E.

we had a slight argument a moment ago.

he said he's sick of my questioning and asking and suspecting etc.

I feel the rain.

it's just like my heart.

crying.

I guess a sick person gets emotional even more. especially when PMS join in.

why is it that he just don't seems to get that as long as he make me trust him entirely, things will all be alright?

why is it that he have to breach my trust just when I'm about to trust him completely, ALL the time?

I'm scared.

scared of finding out truths.

scared of knowing he's hiding things from me.

scared of the end result is something I don't want.

I'm scared.

because I can't trust.

not just towards him but almost everyone else.

I'm scared end of the day, because I can't trust, I'm losing myself too.

I'm tired of not having someone I could trust completely. ):

Why..

Somehow I cannot remember when was the last time I never ask you ' really meh? '.

Seems like it's difficult for me to fully trust again.
I really hate PMS.
Because that's the time I start to thinking a lot, about the past, the present and the future.
The good, the not so good and the bad.

My mind is so tired.
Haven't slept over the weekend cause I was sleeping on other's bed and only managed to catch some rest last night at E's place.
It's always good to be sleeping next to him.
Because that's the only time I probably won't think so much as he's next to me.
That's probably the only time when my mind is in peace and can finally rest.

This issue has been in me for long enough but I just can't seems to let my mind free from all the thoughts and it's getting exhausted.

Suddenly tears is overwhelming and I feel like crying. I hate this feeling.
Been trying so hard not to think negatively but somehow negativity just hit me.
My heart feels so heavy. It's like a million pieces of rocks are pulling me down.
Feel so suffocated.

I just hope this week will be over with a blink of an eye.
It's Monday but I already feel like I'm in hell.
Grrrrrrr. ):

I'm feeling so fat and ugly.
I need to go on diet.
Lose all my fat thighs and arms and tummy.
Omg, society's 'skinniness' has officially put a stress on me.
Feel like killing myself.

The Eyes That Smile & Cry.

好累。
好累。
好累。

there's never a night that I could actually sleep in peace whenever you're not next to me.

I'm tired.
you're tired.
we both are tired.

I'm tired of suspecting.
you're tired of being suspected.
we are tired of explaining.

I'm tired of crying.
you're tired of pacifying.
we are tired of working on it.

you asked me not to give up.
I tried to keep it though I never promise you.
but times and again you make me doubt when I was about to trust.

where has my faith gone to? when I kept telling myself 'things will be better I'm sure. '
where has my belief gone to? when I kept telling myself 'he's different and he will be different from them'.

I kept trying to convince myself that you're just gonna be different, from all of them. but why do you keep trying to show me that you're not? why are you pushing my beliefs and faith further away from me?

I don't trust whatever that I don't see or hear for myself.

day by day, I'm just learning to be more independent. just so one day I'm actually still gonna be just with myself and no one else.

you wanted me to be just like any other girls who would rely on their partner. and now when I started to, you just had to destroy it and make me retreat.

Pieces Of Me..

It was haunting me again last night. 

When was the last time it actually visited me. 

Oh, not that long now that I come to think about it. 

On that day when I found out about that rocketmail logged on your computer. 

And that face you showed me when I questioned you.

The face that was trying so hard to hide things from me but to no avail because I opened up that inbox and saw what was inside. 

Disappointed was the only word that could describe my feelings. 

How many times do you have to breach my trust for you? 

How many a times you need my tears to keep haunting me? 

I'm unhappy for all I know.

And you've never in any ways try to make me feel better. 

Why is it that you choose when to make me happy? 

Why is it that you can't keep things on a constant and let that live forever the same way? 

I'm tired of keeping up with your pace and following your steps. 

You just keep walking and walking without taking a look at me who's behind you, trying so hard to follow every of your steps so that I could be near you, trying so hard to keep up with you so that I don't lose you. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired. 

The smile on my face is fading.

You're making it fade. 

Stop giving me all the short-lived happiness and give me something real and solid. 

If you can't give me what I need, why do you even bother to reassure me that you will and trying so hard to make things work when I wanted to give up? 

Don't do this to me. 

Shannon Ang's Wedding!

Came back from Phuket and went to Shannon's Wedding in my super black skin tone. ):

S & R.

E & myself.

The pretty bride and handsome groom.

So pretty!

E & Shannon.

S & Shannon.

S & Myself.

Pretty ladies with me.

That's the ring I want!

Busy texting!

After lunch we went to dinner at House of Seafood! :)

Aftermath! >.< 

ECP's Macdonald. :)

Baby Lynn.

Feast! :)

Finally after so long.. Shannon's Wedding has come to a happy ending! :) We have been hearing about her wedding since forever and have been dying to attend! Finally the day has arrived. :)

The wedding was a luncheon at The Sentosa Resorts and Spa. The one that I've been to for V's birthday and I found that place a rather nice place! I met up with S, in a taxi and head to Harbour Front to meet up with E, R & SO. HAHA. Pardon me, but I think I'm getting lazier to even type names. -.- PAISEH. 

Took the shuttle bus that took forever to the hotel and I like the reception area! :) As usual, there's guestbook etc but I found the one that you leave your thumbprints super cute and unique! :) HAHA. Next time I will decorate my own guestbook and have something so sweet for me to keep my memories! :)

Lunch ended at about 3 and V dropped E, S and myself at Vivo. Went to starbucks for a drink but before that we went to Love & Co. to look at engagement rings. Saw the heart shape engagement ring that I saw earlier on their website and it's in PINK! Omg mad love it! Took a brochure and snap a photo of it, uploaded it on facebook and tagging E on it. LOL. He didn't mention anything about the ring though, sadly. ): Though he was looking at the brochure last weekend in my room. ): 

After that we went for dinner at House of Seafood, the one I went with V & S the last time! :) The food was nice and I love that place! :) Dinner was good and after dinner went to chill at some cafe around serangoon area! :) 

I'm sure everyone has been hearing about the macdonald's at East Coast closing down and yeap, I went down the next day after the wedding together with the skaters and I believe we all shared the same feeling. - SAD. Cause that macdonald's is a place where we gather together everytime after we skate and we spend so much time at east coast last time. East coast is a place full of memories from the past that I've been holding on to for the longest time in my life and now, I'm finally letting it go. I've finally moved on and I believe it's for the better and for the good. Life would be miserable, I suppose if I were to stay on. Nothing is gonna ever change even if I were to hold on. No point anymore. I don't feel the same already. I want a better life than it was. And tadah! My life is definitely better now though there are rough patches! ): 

Spend a few hours sitting in mac talking to the skaters and then went to the breakwater to look for tai and friends before heading home. :) I'd love to skate for fun next time but I need to find my skates first!

Bleahs!

Next post, C's birthday!