shut off.

disabling all kinds of contact until tomorrow.
I need time of my own to think.
goodbye.

Not The First Time.

you always think you're right.
you always think I think I'm right.
you always think I'm picking a fight.
you always think I'm finding fault with you.
you always think everything you do is okay.
you always think that whatever you do is 'okay wad'.

but no.
I've asked a few girls.
what you think and do is fucking not right.

spending the whole of last week's weekdays on your game I already never say anything ( I think I'm very kind to obey my 'you can play during weekdays when I not with you' when I was staying at your house ) but too bad you crossed the line on weekend.

I don't care whether or not are you watching EURO but fact is even when you can't fucking stream the channel you still play the game. for all I know, I slept way earlier than you everyday.
you start playing game after dinner, no?
you want to play or watch or whatsoever, you make sure you have enough rest. if you don't have enough rest, I really don't expect myself to be facing a 'tired' you. just like you said you don't like me giving you a black face cause I'm tired.

we agreed that weekend we are supposed to spend time with each other.
but look at what you're doing. - diablo.
you said you won't neglect me but end up what were you doing the whole time? - diablo.
yeah you gave me that few seconds of attention cause I was looking at you and you ask 'why? what?' you call that attention?
and end up you ask me 'why am I suppose to spend time with you?'. - this is what I get from such a lovely boyfriend. bravo.

we were supposed to go back to my house but end up you kept playing your game, dragged the time and knowing I won't wanna go back late you ask me at 8+ 'you still wanna go home?'
so now you know how to play with time and fucked me around is it?

just because I kept quiet, doesn't mean I'm okay with what you're doing.
if I make noise you say I get angry easily.
if I kept quiet, you said I never tell you.
can you be anymore selfish than now?

all you think about is you yourself and you. it's not me and you, we or us.

you just always never spare a thought for me.
you just always never think about how I will feel.
you just always never remember anything you said before.
you just always never mean what you said/did.

you're always right in your opinion.

you expect me to put myself in your position. but have you ever put yourself in mine?

yeah, I put myself in your position.
of course I would be happy to do what I wanna do.
of course I wouldn't want my girlfriend to stop me or get angry with me with game stuffs.
of course I'll be glad if she could join me in the game.

but you've never put yourself in my position.
since you don't then I'll tell you, as usual. (cause you don't give a fuck about how I feel.)

so now game is more important than me?
so now game could cause you to break our agreement to spend time with each other and allowing you to ask me this fucking stupid, moronic and idiotic question of 'why am I suppose to spend time with you?'
so now game replaced my position?
so now, you're telling me I'm nothing compared to your motherfucking game?
so now cause of your game you decided to say I'm unreasonable when you yourself is indeed and in fact spending so much time on it?
so now you wanna continue to pissed me off, argue with me and quarrel with me over something that's not even existing in real life? something that you can't even have physical contact with?

you said it was just a game.
then why is it that you want me to stop clubbing and I could do it but when I want you to do something for me, you always find me excuses?

this is just gonna be another beginning.
I will not stop doing things for you anymore since you won't do that for me.

you expect me to be selfless when you're so selfish?

honestly?
bullshit and fuck you.

Serious Thoughts.

Times like this are times I hate the most. 

To think about what should I do to this realistic situations. 

Everyone hope for a fairytale life, a fairytale love and those happily ever after endings. 

But this is not what it is in real life. 

I'm caught in between.

Between getting back to who I used to be and choosing to be with who I love. 

I love E, that's for sure. 

But I love myself too. I want myself to be happy too. 

E makes me happy, no doubt.

But he makes me unhappy too and it's happening too frequently these days. 

I'm unhappy. This is a fact.

I don't understand his unnecessary actions and I will never understand why he never for once put himself in my position and think about how I will feel before he do anything and despite me telling him so many times before. 

He keeps asking me to change, change my temper change my attitude etc etc. 

Sometimes I feel, all I need to do is maybe just change a boyfriend. 

I don't know how many times do I have to tell or say him before I eventually get what I hope to see in him. 

I don't know how many times do we have to argue or quarrel just because he keep doing the same damn thing. 

I don't know how many times do we have to get into cold wars just because he pissed me off, didn't managed to coax me and I don't feel good and I refuse to speak. 

I don't know how many times does he have to tell me ' you need to control your temper. ' when all I know is that my temper was well controlled these days and I only erupt when it comes to him. 

I don't know how many times does he have to tell me ' you need to stop getting angry so easily. ' when I only get angry with him because he just refuse to think about how I will feel before he do anything. 

Why do I have to put someone who doesn't spare a thought for me when he's doing something as my  priority? 

Why do I have to tolerate him ALWAYS telling me ' I forgot ' whenever he fails to spare a thought for me? 

I believe I deserve a lot more attentiveness from a guy. 

I believe there's someone out there who will be able to give me the kind of attentions and needs that I need. 

I'm questioning myself.

Do I really need to have a partner with me? 

I don't know. Maybe and a yes or no. 

And if it's a don't know, why?

If it's a maybe, why?

If it's a yes, why?

If it's a no, why? 

I just feel really tired that things are just like being put on a repeat. 

It's not me who repeatedly doing the things but I'm repeatedly being unhappy about the same kind of things. 

Yet I get blamed for being not able to control my temper, and I get angry easily and I don't tolerate well enough? 

I think my tolerance level is super high already. 

Given it to any other girls whose tolerance level is just normal, I think the amount of arguments and quarrels could have doubled or tripled. 

It's not difficult to make me happy. 

I just wanted him to always put himself in my position to feel what I will feel, is it that difficult? 

He expects me to spare a thought for him but yet he never did. 

And when I get angry he will tell me all those things. 

Honestly, for what piss me off in the first place?
You can't handle my anger then don't let that happen, isn't it simple?! 

Having your partner to shake off your hands just because his friends is around is something NO ONE will ever like. 

Stop being so fucked up and I'll stop being a bitch. 

It's a two-way thing. It takes two hands to clap.

Really, what the fuck was that for?

I really don't understand.

NO!

From Sharon Darling. :)

My stupid pimple and dark circles and eyebag. -.- 

My Korean classmates are damn sweet! ;)

Carebear from Kris Darling! :)

I choose this! :)

My look today. Look like some sick people. -.- 

Didn't even put eyeliner cause I'm having shoot tonight! Leaving the rest of the makeup later! :)

As my title says, NO! I don't think I'm anorexic! -.- I just don't feel like eating and if I force myself to eat something, I will feel like vomiting? I mean I will still eat something when I'm feeling hungry.. But the problem now is, I DON'T! -.- Sigh. It's going almost 2 days of no solid food since Tuesday's lunch, which was my not-finished-chicken-rice. -.- I just feel very thirsty most of the time and my tummy is always feeling bloated. -.- I never liked water so most of the time I will drink coffee. BOO. I think this can go on until Saturday when I finally meet my girls for steamboat. -.- Gosh. I swear that steamboat is gonna be so not worth it for me! Cause I'm probably gonna just keep drinking the soup and not eating much. GRRRR. But it'll be worth it to be spending the eve with my two most important girls. :) 

Baby Jeorgina's Birthday is in Malaysia this year.. But I doubt I'll be going back cause it's kinda rushing for me. :\ Queen is going back later today with the two girls and I'm not gonna spend my eve squeezing with people in Malaysia going back. And I don't wanna rush out on 26th to meet my girls for dinner. So yeah, giving it a miss this year. So, I'll be going to Vivian's house for the Christmas party instead! :) Can't wait for all the good food and drinks! :) It was 2009 since I went to the last Christmas party! :) Feel like baking something! Maybe I should stayover? HAHAHA. I'll decide soon! :) 

I'm hoping for this two weekends to be good. :) and I hope 2012 will be a good start. :) Many shoots have been arranged! And I'm pretty excited! :) Hope I can continue to lose my weight until like I'm back in Secondary School. HAHAHA. >.< I think I'm gonna cut my hair after Chinese New Year. Haha! :) 

Don't know why but my heart is kinda feeling heavy. Haven't been wanting to go out in large group. First time in so many years, I rejected to meet you all in late nights. I guess I'm starting to give up trying to maintain that friendship we share. Yes, you all been through all the tough times with me. Bring me out of darkness and be there when I needed you all. But really, why must it always be me who take the initiative to call you all before we can finally meet? I'm tired of being the one who have to always do that. Because it's always me fitting into the timings that you all want and it's always late at night. Ever spare a thought for me that I have got work the next day? Always telling me a time to meet but end up always not being able to make it and cancel it last minute or always call me like half an hour before hand and expect me to be free to meet? Really, I'm not like you all.. I don't have that much of free time to keep waiting and waiting. Your time is precious but so is mine. You all have your priorities and so do I. I hope you all know that I'm not someone whom you all look for just cause you all are bored. I hate that feeling. I hate to be put as an option when I put you all as my priority! You all still can call me out, if you all still remember me? But no, I'm not gonna be like before anymore. I'm not gonna be the one who's gonna call you all anymore. Enough is enough. I'm done being Miss-Nice towards you all for the past almost 4 years? My tolerance towards you all has finally reached. 

Update soon.

And YOU! Honestly I have no idea why I keep thinking about the you last time. Not now but more like last time. Rewind. Too much rewind these days. Hate every single part of my house that has you in it. I hate the minute I open my eyes I still see the photos there. I hate the minute I walk to my hall and I saw that photo there. Looking back at those photos reminds me of the good old days. Good old days before I feel different, which is more than a year ago. Seriously I hope you can get out of my mind now. The last time you. The you when we went to Batam and Bintan. The you when I still would want to go that extra mile for, that I would accept anything for. But you lost it all, just in one night. I guess maybe it's time to pack everything that has you in it. I need to do that soon, real soon. 

Speechless.

I don't know what else to say.
All I know is, you don't understand me and you THINK you do.

High Pride, High Dignity, High Ego.
The three factors that brings a Man down, you have them all.

You assume what you're doing is gonna be good for us.
You assume what you're doing is right.
You assume I can accept what you're doing.
You assume I'm okay with everything.

But No, you don't know me, you don't understand me, you don't know what I want.

You just further confirm with me for the fact that we're even more impossible.
Cause your characters, personalities, are not the ones that is compatible for me.

Full-Stop.
I don't NEED anymore replies from you.
Goodbye.



Sometimes, goodbye is a second chance.

A quote I learnt in this whole life:

Never ever, ever, fall in love with your ex's friends or friend's ex. For it won't do anyone good.

Updates.

Past two days and today, I've been working. Just that yesterday I went to meet up with Jaslyn and Yifan at Orchard. For a dinner and walk walk. Lol. Had a dinner treat by Yifan as a Belated Birthday Treat. =) Thank you! =D But, food at that Sakura Thai Restaurant is not nice! -.- Grr. Will upload the photos soon. I'm lazy lahh k. =\

Alright~ Other than all that, nothing much.
Ohh~

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY JORDAN! Once again. =)

This Saturday is the Motorcross thingy at Singapore Flyer there. Wonder if I should go. Training on that day!!! The Motorcross thing is Free admission by the way, 7-10pm. =\ Clashed with training time. T.T Will have to consider it again. =((

Okay, I'll have to call my Dear Friend soon. =) Bye for now.
Goodnight. OHH I CAN'T PLAY RESTAURANT CITY CAUSE IT'S UNDER MAINTAINANCE! DAMN ANGRY WITH THAT! GRRRRRRRRRR.



On the other note,
it says 12/05/2009 on the messages?
Asking about what's wrong with me? And now that I'm saying I'm feeling uneasy for you to contact her.
You said you didn't contact her, what was all those messages? Right.
FO is not solely for you.
When i say FO on facebook, it's meant for EVERYONE? Don't assume. Cause when you do, it only make an ' ass ' out of ' u ' and ' me '.
My thinking, my mind, sometimes are not as complex as you think it is.
Every action means something. For actions speak louder than words.
So when you said you ain't asking my Queen about me, prove me then.
Cause what I saw isn't what I heard.