For A Change.

Mom said that a person's mood is very much dependent on their surrounding. Including the colours they use. So yes, I've decided to change my blogskin to something light. :) A good start, no? Heh. 

So it's has been almost 2 weeks since we went to Penang. And Eric said we would talk after we came back from Penang but till now, nothing. How long am I supposed to wait? Since July last year, I've given him close to 7 months to make things different. Was there any difference? Nah, not really. And oh yes, my patience is running out. Kinda. 

I'm pushing everyone away, except for some closer ones. I'm closing up and not gonna let anyone(basically guys) in and as far as I know, Eric is in the list as well. I'm not trying to throw tantrums or whatsoever but yeah, I'm changing. For good or for bad, I don't know yet but I know I'm changing. The way I look at things and people. The way I treat things and people.. I know I'm changing and I'm fully aware of that. 

Valentine's day this year. I'm not hoping for any gifts and celebration because I don't have any of those intentions. The feelings in me now is already different from one year ago. I don't even look forward to Vday. Haha. 

Okay, maybe I'm a little mean. But hello? Who kept me waiting here like an idiot hoping that maybe one day I'll just not mention anything and pretend that everything will be okay? Fuck that. I'm not like this, I was never like this. A problem is always a problem. You don't expect a problem to solve by themselves. You solve it together with the person you have problem with. If you choose not to face the problem, I'll choose not to do anything too. 

Don't Ask. - If I don't ask you a lot of things, don't blame me. Because even when I asked you so many times, you never replied or said anything. 

Don't Bother. - If I don't bother about any of your stuffs from now on, don't blame me. Because when I bothered, you didn't. 

Don't Care. - If I don't care about you anymore, don't blame me. Because when I cared, you gave me shit. 

I've told you before not to test my patience, why are you trying your luck? 

一个人就好

街 擠滿了歡笑 

太不適合 

眼淚湊熱鬧 

快跑 快尋找 無人的轉角 

不優雅時候 一個人最好 

愛 說退就退潮 我鬆開手 

回憶卻沒放掉 未來 

不來了 地球 繼續繞 

躲回溫暖的夢 我一個人就好 

 為什麼 越相信誰能依靠 

越換來 又一次靈魂寂寥 

有沒有永遠 再不會讓心絕望的解藥 

如果說 越踏出世界一腳 

越不能 保留住天真微笑 

那從今以後 我一個人過 就很好 

心 很平靜地跳 

只是寂寞 潛伏像海嘯 

突然某一秒 偷襲我眼角 

眼淚自己擦掉 我一個人很好

Life Will Be Beautiful. :)

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought. — Peace Pilgrim

Colourful things, beautiful things make me happy now.
I'm not asking for anything more.
I just want to make myself happy.
And I don't want to bother to much anymore.

This chair, look so comfy and cheeky to sit on! Makes me laugh!

Think happy thoughts, chin up and smile. :)

Everyone deserves to smile like this. We're a princess of our very own. :)

The best has yet to happen.
But I'm not gonna depend on others to make it happen anymore.
People always fail me. I'm not failing myself. :)

Life is beautiful, with family and friends. :)

Everyone deserves to sparkle, so keep on sparkling! :)

When you think good, the good will happen. :)

我觉得我看开了不少。

看开了有些事不是我一个人就能办到的。

有很多东西，如果只有单方面的付出，事情根本不可能如愿。

看开了，也告诉自己不要执着了。

看开了，也告诉自己时间到了该放弃了。

看开了，也告诉自己我一个人也可以过得很好。

累了，哭够了，想放弃了，想放开你了，想让你自由了。

不想因为你每天流泪，不想因为你每天茶饭不思。

Maybe to you I'm not good enough, maybe I'm never gonna be the perfect girl you want. I'm preparing myself each and everyday, to let you go, to let you pursue your own happiness, to let you have the freedom you want. 

I'm trying hard to not think about you, trying hard to let go of every memories with you. Even though it hurts everytime I try to do it but I told myself it's something I have to do for myself. I need to live for myself. I need to do things for myself. Since I was never your priority or someone of much importance, I will learn to prioritize myself. I will learn to make myself important. I will learn to be happy for myself. I will learn to not have you in my life.

Suddenly I feel so stupid. Stupid that this is happening again. I actually allow myself to be hurt this much again. Never thought this would happen again, but it's happening again. This is too much to take. I thought after Zac, I wouldn't make the same mistake again. But no, I was so wrong. I only have myself to blame. Wake up, Kat. Stop being stupid.

The days will be better ahead. I will be fine. I will, eventually. :)
I'm Kat and nothing will bring me down.
I've been through the worst, this will not bring me down..

加油，刘紫欣！

独家记忆.

Mom shared this on Facebook yesterday. I don't know if it was for me.
But I think it is. :)

没什么大不了的。笑着过日子吧！:)

I've been listening to the song 独家记忆 by 陈小春 and some songs by 梁静茹 and 叮当. 

Jason has been texting me asking me how am I with Eric. He's concern about us after seeing my facebook post about what Eric's friends commented. He knew it was referring to them and he was concern about how am I and whether it's gonna affect Eric and I. I told him briefly it's not exactly their fault cause it was Eric that I was angry and disappointed with. He told me back in Scotland people ask them and say the same about their friends here in Singapore which is like Lynn, Jaslyn, Jilly, Vivian and me. But all they told their friends was asking them to deal with it cause we're all really good friends and asked them not to say stuffs about us which is insulting. You know, it kinda hurts so bad knowing that even a friend should speak up for me but not my boyfriend? I've never felt so unprotected by my boyfriend before. If it were to be Zac, he would have scolded his friends like mad and ask them to shut up. Different guy, different thinking and different mentality. I can't blame anyone but myself. 

I really cannot think about Eric cause each time I think about him, my eyes are warm with tears and they're gonna flow anytime. I need time away from Eric, I need time to be with my friends and my favourite sports, skating. I need to be around happy people and laughter. Eric was never interested in whatever I love. I love skating but he hated it cause he doesn't know how to skate and fell the last time when we went to ice skating. He doesn't like bowling, he doesn't like prawning, he doesn't like musical stuffs. Or maybe I should say, he just doesn't want to do what I love, be interested in whatever that I love. That's what people who live in their own world does, isn't it? I should have known and just force myself to end everything. Why did I have to be so soft-hearted? Why is it that I always never learn?

It's Zac's dad's birthday yesterday. I used to always meet up with his parents for a small celebration like dinner or something but since last year, I stopped visiting them just because Eric doesn't like it. I stop doing things that Eric doesn't like and somehow now I think I'm stupid and dumb to even listen to him because he never listened to me. He doesn't like me meeting or talking to guys I stop contacting guys even when they call me I just leave it ringing until they hang up. But behind my back he was happily in contact with other girls until I found out. I should have known where I stood. I wasn't even important enough for him to keep his words. I should have ended everything back then rather than compiling all these hurts until today. 

I feel like being away from Singapore, away from Eric and places with memories of him. I wish I could erase him from my memories. Jason asked me to consider going to Scotland to find them. I want to, I really want to. But it's all about money, if I spend my money to go Scotland, there's a lot of things/places I cannot do/go. He said he and Stuart would help with the air tickets and my accommodation if I really wanna go over and they would take care of me. How nice, how nice could these boys be? They're not my boyfriend but they're always taking care of me and making me smile. But yet they become a topic for people to gossip. Surely, if I were to tell Eric this, he would say I'm not a guy, I don't know what guys thinking are etc and would say no to let me go to Scotland cause they're guys etc. But sometimes, I feel that his motives are much more than my friends. My friends are not like what he said, being near me to take advantage of me etc. Then why, why did he get close to me? What was his motive? I don't know. Perhaps his motive was to hurt me as bad as he can. Or maybe he had a bet with his friends about me. I don't know. Since he could say stuffs about my friends like that, I'm sure somehow or rather he came across those stuffs as well. 

Times when I think of why is it Eric always ask for time whenever I asked for breakup I would tend to believe that he's just using me as a backup because he has yet to find another one. Or maybe he has someone else out there who doesn't want to commit to him yet that's why he's holding on to this relationship. The more I think the more I feel I'm wasting my time and youth on this guy. What is it in me that he want? Cindy said "要发自内心的笑才幸福开心" but now i think again, the reason for me to smile is no longer because of Eric but because of my friends and family. They said you can see if a girl is really happy through their smile and their eyes will sparkle. I've lost my smile and my eyes doesn't sparkle like before already. I know, I know everything. 

Everytime I tell myself ‘算了吧，不要紧，会过去的’ but deep down I know it's so hard to do it. Constantly reminding myself that I must have self value, I must value myself but I always let other people tarnish my values.

Kat, you really need to get hold of yourself. Stop listening to your heart and start listening to your brain. 

18 Feb 2012.

You & Me, We Run The World. 

Fingers that cross,

Hearts that share. 

Visions that meet, 

Minds that speak.

"Life was tough being with you, but it’s tougher being without you."

A new year,

A new beginning. 

A new chapter, 

A whole new us.

ILY, LING. ♥

One year ago, I was so in love. 

One year later, what's gonna happen? 

Haha. I shouldn't look at those old photos. 

Goodbye memories.

Penang 11-13 Jan 2013.

View from apartment. 

Came home to this yesterday. :)

New series. I love the smell! I want to buy it!

First of all, Penang was a nice place with good food and good drinks. We booked our apartment at Batu Ferringhi, their famous beach area. Our apartment had awesome view, sunrise, sunset and the sea view was spectacular. I've never been to other parts of Malaysia other than Kahang and JB so Penang was really something new and I kinda like it there. It's the first time I watched movie out of Singapore too. I've been to BKK, Taiwan, Bali, Bintan, Batam, Phuket, Krabi but I've never watched a movie there before. Hmm, it kinda shock me when I saw the price for the movie tickets. -.- Okay, suaku, whatever you call it but yeah, it's interesting to me. :) The holiday mates are good except that they do everything fast. ): Kinda stress me up a little but everything else is fine. :) I really enjoyed their company a lot, especially Cindy. :) I'm really happy that this trip was good even though shit happens. I think I'm falling in like with this group of friends, really like them a lot. But the thoughts of..... makes me really sad. ):

Eric and I had arguments just before the trip and that kinda affected me quite a bit and especially my mood for this trip. I'm saying it here now cause I already un-link this blog from a lot of places which includes Facebook and Twitter. So it kinda like left with people who bothers to keep this link would be able to read it. There's good and bad. Well.. bad is, who knows which day which Geraldine or which Ben or Bev would drop by this link and started to add oil add salt add pepper and start telling people stories that they made up in their stupid brains. -.- Anyway, I can't be bothered with them. They're a bunch of people who doesn't respect people and full of themselves. Of what used to be, I leave everything to the past and nope, I don't have any intentions to bring them back. On the side note, good is I'll probably don't know who actually care and bother about me enough to be still reading this. I know Kris would. So whoever is still reading this space, please do let me know by dropping a note on my chatbox. :) 

So back to where I was. Eric and I. Yeah, we have always been having problems and all these problems are not solved/talked/resolved. From my lifestyle to my surrounding, to my family and to just myself. I don't know if it's really like what he once said, that I'm hard to handle and I'm difficult. But I do know that the amount of insecurities that he set in me, were too much to take. He said I forced him to become who he is now. Then who forced me? I didn't want to be like this. I didn't like myself being so insecure but what can I do? I'm already insecure and he was the cause of it. His friends made comments about me taking photos with Stuart, Jason and Ross. The way he said his friends made comments about me is so insulting. It's like as though I have something going on with my friends. ' last sat weijun alvin ask me "u see kat photo with the ang mo, the whole body n even the breast press on the angmo, ni eh ta han meh?" ' Honestly, I doubt his words. I don't believe his friends said those words and I assumed it was him who exaggerated it. This is him I guess. He make use of opportunity to pass whatever he want to say to me. And he probably saw this as a chance to say me, by saying it's his friends. I'm angry cause I felt insulted and humiliated. Not by other people but by my own boyfriend. Who would have thought this ' Mr. Right ' that I've said 2.5yrs ago is now like this? Who would have thought that he would hurt me this way? None, no one. Just because he's the quiet type of people. And just because I'm a loud person, everyone always think I'm at fault. I admit, I'm at fault, at fault for always being myself and showing my anger. At fault for choosing such a guy as my boyfriend. A guy who doesn't know how to protect me and yet so selfish. Truth hurts, isn't it? It still pricks me whenever I think about us.

Just on Tuesday when I was on the bus going home, passing by places that I had memories with Eric. At the back of my mind so many images flash pass and I have so many 'whys' as to what happened to us, what happened to this relationship and as usual, whenever I think about us, I will tend to cry. Nowadays I don't seems to be able to control my tears no matter how hard I fight back my emotions. They just keep rolling down even when I keep telling myself not to cry. It's not as easy as before, I don't know why but I need to find a way to stop all these emotions controlling me. I need to feel happy, I need to smile and laugh. I need to go back to who I really was. How? I don't know but I know I need to. I need to stop losing myself anymore. Think happy thoughts Kat, Happy thoughts.

For all the down sides of my life, I'm actually really grateful to have good friends around me. Those who really care about me even though they're miles apart. Those who showed me tons of concern just because of one comment. Those who never fail to talk to me everyday even though we always say the same thing. Those who never fail to make me smile even though it takes that extra mile. Those who will always be there when I give a call/text. I have great friends around me, I have great people around me. And I'm really thankful. I'm really blessed with such lovely people, really. Too thankful and blessed that sometimes I wonder to myself if this is the reason why I should never get into a relationship. Maybe it's just like what Eric said, I'm hard to handle and I'm difficult. Maybe I should just leave him and let him find someone else who's easier to handle and easy. Maybe we were never meant to be. 

Think Happy Thoughts.

I need to keep Eric away from my mind. Thoughts of him makes me very pessimistic. And it's breaking me apart. I don't feel happy whenever I think of him and the past one year. 

Talked to Cindy on MSN these days and it seems like her bubbly-ness have stories behind them. It's like smiling on the outside and struggling on the inside. I'm glad she have James now and I'm feeling really happy for her. Happy that she's happy now. :) Happy that she's finally done with that useless bum. 

For someone whom I thought I could spend my life with: 

You, made my world change. For good and for bad, you made my world change. Good because I've moved on, I've finally let go of my past and start to accept a new life. And I've started a new beginning by accepting you. Bad because my beautiful world came tumbling down, you broke my beautiful dream and my fantasy. You made me lost hope, lost my glow and lost my shine. Future with you? Blurry. Love you? Not as much as before. Want you? Not as much as before. I'm hurt, too hurt. By your actions, your lies and your dishonesty. I feel that maybe I'm already beginning to hate you. Whatever reason it may be. I'm hating you for making me like this. I don't used to be like this. This was never how I handled this relationship in the past. But this past one year made me lost a lot. I've lost myself, I've lost my happiness, I've lost my confidence. Was it worth it? Maybe it was. Because I've tried my best. Tried my best to be a good girlfriend and tried my best to be a different me from the past. I've changed and people around me saw it. Maybe you're too blind to even notice. Maybe you noticed but you took for granted that I would just tolerate whatever shit you gave me just because my ex-boyfriend gave me shit during the 7 years with him. I'm not surprised if you're thinking like this because you've said before ' since you've been taking shits for 7 years, why don't you continue to take shits with me? ' your selfishness made me realised i was stupid. stupid to fall for someone i thought would be different and end of the day you're just the same. just the same because you're as selfish as him. you only think about yourself. you said i forced you to become who you are. then who forced me to become who i am now? this time i'm really tired. and this time, i guess i'm determine enough that if i let you go, i'm never going back to you. one full year yet nothing worked. last year july i said i wanted a break up, you asked me to give you time. but you said before if i ever leave you, it's my loss. now, i'm all ready to let go of this loss. i'm ready to be all by myself since i've always been all by myself anyway. you've never been by my side whenever i needed you, have you realised? when i'm happy when i'm sad when i'm sick when i'm tired when i'm down when i'm scared. you're never there. this is definitely not something i want. do you know what you want? you want freedom. you want to be able to do what you want. you want a fling so you don't have to commit. this is what you need and this is never gonna be me. i don't know for how long are you gonna be treating me as one but as far as i know now, my patience is running out. there's only this much i could take and i will take. there's only this amount of time that i will wait. 

Sometimes, the road to happiness is not holding on but to let go. 

I wish I could make things work but I can't do it myself. 

This is too much to take and too tiring to carry on.

Of what used to be?

not blogging for 4 months.
yet i'm returning here not for joy but for sorrows.

exactly 1 year ago, thinking of back then and now, the difference is a lot.
as i'm typing this post, it's alr not the same feeling as one year ago.
a year ago, i was filled with love, happiness and worries.
but today, i'm filled with anger, tears and sadness.

i cannot remember when was the last time i actually feel happy and it's because of you.
i cannot forget how i feel like crying each time i think about you.

lately, mom has been asking me about you.
and each time she speak to me about you, my heart died a little inside.

happily ever after? i'm too naive to believe it would happen to us. too naive to believe you won't hurt me. too naive to believe you're really different from the others. too naive to believe you really love me.

you said i'm smart and clever. i am, but i let my own smartness fooled myself. too smart to think that you're the one. too smart to think that you're mr.right. too smart to want to build a future with you. too smart to say yes to you back in 2010.

hurts and tears.
this is what i got back.

thank you so much.