give myself a time frame? 

i don't know. 

it seems to be the right thing to do. 

but why am i hesitating? 

i'm feeling tired, literally. 

i need my sleep. 

"sleeping pills."

first time in my life I'm resorting to this.
I need my sleep too badly.
body is failing me.
goodnight.

why am I back to the days where I cry to sleep and cry when I wake up?

mentally exhausted.

Moody.

feeling the pms already.
i want to kill anyone who annoys me.
including E.

You Made Life Beautiful, Somehow.

Isn't it cute??? :) 

Le Boyfriend is in camp now having reservist. 

Meaning, no time to talk to me or giving me sufficient attention that I need. 

Meaning, it's time for my thoughts to start running wild. 

I don't know.
Maybe because of what I've heard in the past that happened in camps etc.
I don't even trust that camp is the safest place that a guy won't cheat cause supposedly, all guys. -.- No, it's NOT ALL GUYS. I've heard of ugly stories about camps. Seriously.
And I don't trust. Not any of them, with or without ranks etc.
If even an MP can make mistakes, what makes a man with just a rank in army not?
Bullshit.
Yes, it takes hell a lot to make me trust, no doubt.
I can make a perfect picture into something smashed and ruined.

But still, I'm asking myself not to think so much.

Honestly, I couldn't really fell asleep the night before E book in.
Lying down in his arms, listening to him breathing but my mind refuse to shut.
I'm tired, but I just can't sleep.
I've been tossing and turning for an hour, unknowingly, before I eventually finally gave up and forced myself to sleep.
The whole time my mind is wondering..

'what will happen in the next 5 days when he's in camp?' 
'what will he be doing in camp or when he's out of camp to go somewhere?'
'what will his conversations be with his campmates?' 
'what is he gonna do during his free time since he's always gonna be free?' 

Somehow.. it's like there's an inner voice in me, telling me things that are so negatively.

'in the next 5 days he will not give a fuck about you.'
'he will be busy talking to his campmates and maybe any other female officers in the camp or when he's out of camp he's probably busy trying to know some new girls.'
'he and his campmates will all be busy talking/discussing about some new girls they get to come across or maybe the female officers in camp.'
'he's gonna walk around camp maybe checking out any other female officers or like maybe  talking to his campmates exchanging ideas on how to hook up girls.'

Yes, not healthy I know.
But it's not something I can control when my past experience was a hell lot of shit.
Unfair to E, I know.
But if life was ever fair, I wouldn't deserve what I got back then.
So tell me, fairness?
Bullshit.
Much less to mention when E did in a way made me lose faith and trust in him.

I'm trying hard not to be reminded of what happened but somehow I guess I just can't.
I'm not the kind who would live my life based on pretentious.
I know, everybody is.
But I'm just not the kind who would live my life like this.
At the very least, not when I'm with my family and partner.
They are the ones whom I should be the real me when I'm with them.

I'm tired, mentally and physically.
Lacked of proper rest and I'm falling sick again.
You know, sometimes I think, maybe life would be much easier and happier but lonelier without E.
But then again, I asked myself, what would life be with E? 

And then I realised...

I've loved him that much and cannot imagine my life without him. 

Maybe if I had done so one and a half years ago, I would be able to. But I didn't.

And now, I couldn't. 

I guess I've been building my world based on his existence.

I've already gotten used to him being part of my plans and everything.

I tried imagining him being out of my plans etc, everything just don't seems right. 

Yes, stupidly I'm totally in love with this guy. Good or bad, I'm in love with him. 

I broke my own rule for myself. 

Which is not to love a guy wholeheartedly.

But I guess that's me when it comes to love. 

I cannot not love wholeheartedly. 

Now that I'm in it, I couldn't get out of it. 

Like my Queen once said and I think it's totally true.

"爱情永远会是你的死穴，因为你太感情用事!"

Oh well.

Sucks to be me. 

But that's okay, because I'm loving my life like this.

At least it makes me feel like I'm alive! :)

I've gotten used to his hugs.

I've gotten used to his kisses.

I've gotten used to his hands interlocking mine.

I've gotten used to his smiles.

I've gotten used to his laughter.

I've gotten used to his sleeping patterns.

I've gotten used to his breathing pace.

I've gotten used to his everything.

And I guess, it's gonna take a long while if I want to NOT get used to his everything. 

I tried, I really tried.
Tried to live my life without him but it only make me realise..

That I'm loving him more than before.

No, my mind still wonders a lot about what he will do when he's not with me.
But I'm sure I'm not the only girl who will feel like this.
The insecurities that past experiences had engraved, is after all not that easy to forget.
Never easy to make changes but I know I will try regardless.

But I hope my mind will just stop wondering tonight.
I really need those good sleep.

The Eyes That Smile & Cry.

好累。
好累。
好累。

there's never a night that I could actually sleep in peace whenever you're not next to me.

I'm tired.
you're tired.
we both are tired.

I'm tired of suspecting.
you're tired of being suspected.
we are tired of explaining.

I'm tired of crying.
you're tired of pacifying.
we are tired of working on it.

you asked me not to give up.
I tried to keep it though I never promise you.
but times and again you make me doubt when I was about to trust.

where has my faith gone to? when I kept telling myself 'things will be better I'm sure. '
where has my belief gone to? when I kept telling myself 'he's different and he will be different from them'.

I kept trying to convince myself that you're just gonna be different, from all of them. but why do you keep trying to show me that you're not? why are you pushing my beliefs and faith further away from me?

I don't trust whatever that I don't see or hear for myself.

day by day, I'm just learning to be more independent. just so one day I'm actually still gonna be just with myself and no one else.

you wanted me to be just like any other girls who would rely on their partner. and now when I started to, you just had to destroy it and make me retreat.

Pieces Of Me..

It was haunting me again last night. 

When was the last time it actually visited me. 

Oh, not that long now that I come to think about it. 

On that day when I found out about that rocketmail logged on your computer. 

And that face you showed me when I questioned you.

The face that was trying so hard to hide things from me but to no avail because I opened up that inbox and saw what was inside. 

Disappointed was the only word that could describe my feelings. 

How many times do you have to breach my trust for you? 

How many a times you need my tears to keep haunting me? 

I'm unhappy for all I know.

And you've never in any ways try to make me feel better. 

Why is it that you choose when to make me happy? 

Why is it that you can't keep things on a constant and let that live forever the same way? 

I'm tired of keeping up with your pace and following your steps. 

You just keep walking and walking without taking a look at me who's behind you, trying so hard to follow every of your steps so that I could be near you, trying so hard to keep up with you so that I don't lose you. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired. 

The smile on my face is fading.

You're making it fade. 

Stop giving me all the short-lived happiness and give me something real and solid. 

If you can't give me what I need, why do you even bother to reassure me that you will and trying so hard to make things work when I wanted to give up? 

Don't do this to me. 

Day 3.

Worries so I went to pray. :)

Dinner last night! :)

Trimmed my eyebrow! :)

Face condition seems bad. I need to do more mask! 

The fear in me is making me weak.
I need to get over this.
I need to let everything go.

I can't seems to sleep well these days. I need proper rest.
I just hope you know, how uneasy it is for me during times like this.
Why is it that you can't be like what he did?

I know I shouldn't compare but this is what I really feel.

Sick?

I miss this Kat. Her smile, her everything. 

Not feeling very well. Feeling painful on my left side waist area since this morning and seems like it's getting worse now and I just went to vomit as well. I don't see why I even have something to vomit cause I didn't really consume any solid food today other than the winter melon soup I had for lunch just now. :\ Kinda feeling really terrible given this condition. I hope it goes away really soon. 

Mission Impossible tonight and I don't wanna spoil everyone's mood seeing me like this cause tickets have already been bought and I don't think it's nice when people is here for a holiday. Hold it, Kat! 

Queen is gonna be home today and I need to pack all my emotions up again. Can't let her see the weaker side of me. 

And I really need to start getting food into my stomach! I don't want my body to reject food! ): 

We Do What We Think Is Right.

Boyfriend's Birthday Cake! (: 

Boys.

Girls.

Pretty girl and Old man. HAHAHA

Cute right. I know. Only me. LOLOL

Vampire feel??

First time trying out Michelle Phan's vampire makeup. 

Fierce like vampire??

My tools. :)

This is how it looks like. LOL

Orchard Central.

Love the lighting!

Capt Phuah's birthday celebration!

This is not all! (: 

Emilyn!

Received notification fron HDB about the new BTO application yesterday! :\ 

This is a 10mins makeup. LOL

Practicing!

Michiyo and me. (:

Contest booth.

Top 3 practicing their runway. Lol

I've been feeling really tired. I've been rushing a lot of things and it's like my schedule is never ending. Photographers are arranging shoots but I can't really pull out much time. Trying to squeeze everything together but I'm afraid I might fall sick after that. -.-

Tomorrow is the competition and I'm feeling really nervous after knowing about the challenges that we're gonna face. It's like ' Omg kill me please '. I need some alcohol and hopefully, help me better in my performance. Those who is going down to show some support please don't scream and yell or call out to my name cause I'll do really badly! Just keep quiet until everything is over! :\ 

Exam is next week and after this competition, it's time I focus on studies. 

I've not been spending time with Boyfriend and I guess everyone is finding it weird. Fred not, we're still together. Just that I think things changed and situation is different now. This happens to all the couples doesn't it? Hur. Pfft. 

I'll update soon. (: 

Byebye! 

xoxo

She's a five when she drinks but she's a ten when she's on top of me.

Some time back, don't remember when. -.- 

First time playing Saboteur! (: SCOOPZ!

Shida!

Lynn Baby!

Sunday, after photoshoot.

This is one of the scariest I think!

Devils spinning. (:

Alright, let me just update in like, point form. -.- 

28th Oct 2011, Friday.

It's like Friday and it's Vernon's Birthday too. After work went to meet Sharon for dinner at Chomp Chomp together with Geoffrie and Rainy before heading over to The Chapter Entertainment. Was there for about an hour or so then Mic came to pick me up to meet the rest at Geylang for porridge. Didn't eat much cause I wasn't really hungry. After that we went to Chong Pang's Mac to chit chat etc and it was pouring like crazy. -.- Mic send me home at about 3am and I slept about 3:30? LOL Can't remember. Heh. 

29th Oct 2011, Saturday. 

Woke up at about 12noon. Slack at home, then get ready to go to school to meet Shida and the rest. Left home only at about 3:30pm? LOL. Went to get my threading done first before going to school to meet them for the last minute revision just about 1.5hrs before exam? The seating arrangement was fucked up. -.- names were missing and exam was delayed. -.- So my paper started 15mins laterrrrr! -.- Nevertheless, I finish my paper by 9pm and tadah, off to home I went. Suppose to sleep early but I guess I was feeling nervous for the photoshoot next day that's why I'm can't sleep. LOL And so I slept at 2am? 

30th Oct 2011, Sunday.

Woke up at 7am and started preparing for the shoot. Greg picked me up from my house at 9:30am. By the way, he was the one who shot me for the Clarke Quay one last year. Lol. We had Studio shoot this time and the theme is Sexy Cool. Will upload the photos once I get them. (: After that he sent me home and I took an hour nap before getting ready and going out to meet Boyfriend at TPY MRT to go to Tiong Bahru to meet  Geoffrie. Head to Vivo to meet Baby Lynn after and went to Food Republic for dinner. Waited for Stuart, Priscilla and Pris'c cousin to reach and we head to Sentosa for Halloween Night Horror. I swear I'm super amazed and impressed with USS. They made me go GaGa about the whole place! It's looks so different from the day time! And I love it! Though I was scared at the beginning but I got used to it and wasn't that scared anymore. Took a few rides. Went on the mummy and Cylon. Cylon was the first time and I swear the first free fall was the scariest. Worse than the zombies scaring me! -.- We went to both the haunted house and I hate the Peranakan one. The dark alley wasn't as scary to me. Haha. All in all, it was fun! Really. (: It was a really tired day. ): 

New week started and I started my new module as well. 

Having a lot of things in mind but I'm not sharing anymore.

11Nov is just next week and I still wish that day never existed.

I've been feeling rather down recently and I just don't really wanna let too many people know. I don't know but there are stuffs in my mind. :\ Sigh.

I'm lack of sleep and I've been feeling dead tired. T.T

Update soon.
Byebye!