i told zac that i will spend the last fourteen days with him happily. and i hope throughout this fourteen days.. nothing nasty will happen and turn me off. yuppps.
i actually had an arguement with zac just now. over what krinze told me on the phone just now and stuffs. ohh wells, i don't wish to actually. i didn't wanna tell him who was it that told me something. but he force me to. and i ended upp telling him though. haix.. yarh.. and so we got an arguement. =_= kinda useless to argue over this i feel. :| anyways, KAT IS GONNA KEEP SMILING FOR THE COMING FOURTEEN DAYS. SO PLEASE MAKE HER SMILE. SHE'LL LOVE ALL OF YOU WHO MAKE HER SMILE AND BRIGHTENS HER DAYS. <3 -loves.
yupps, smiling for the coming fourteen days. and hopefully marcus don't pissed me off. anyways i'm going back to ECP on sunday. I LOVE ECP. :) ohh mann, have my menses like today? tummy cramp? -ouchh. hahas. :) talk to ben on msn today.. he's coming back on thursday morning. hahas. looking forward to his return actually. he said he will call me once he's home. well, how sweet and nice. :) and we agreed to meet upp soon. but he's gonna be here only for two weeks. so sad. not like the last time.. stay for so long.. :( ben!! i wanna hear you play your guitar again!!!!!! all out love!!! drops of jupiter!! :) downloading drops of jupiter now. gonna put as my blog song. :) HAHAHAHAS. this song reminds me of ben and james singing together can! hahas. so funny. anyway.. chatted with bevan over the phone the other day.. yesterday i mean.. bevan is not gonna be back. he can't come back for the moment. cause of some permit stuffs. but anyway, hope he's fine over there at the other side of the earth. take care! :)
well, today.. woke up like at freaking 12pm!! then get ready to go work. work at 1pm. i left my house at 12.30pm. lols. reach there at 1.30pm lols. anyway i called to tell them i'll be there by 1.30pm. actually i reach there at 1.20pm lahh. hahahahahas. it's because it's HOUGANG that's why! i want ECP!!! listening to ' nothing's gonna change my love for you. ' reminds me of the time zac sang the song to me. lols. damn hilarious. -interesting. hahahahas. that's actually a copyrighted word. lols. :) hahas.
steph will be leaving for beijing on sunday. and i'm working at ECP 10am to 6pm. and i guess i'm gonna have dinner with steph on sunday and send her off at the airport. GIRL MUST MISS ME PLENTY ALRIGHT!!!!! then i guess i'm going home straight lerx bahh. and if everything goes well, i'll be leaving for batam on monday and be back on thursday. going there for a holiday with zac and the IC skaters. yupps. and start working on friday again. and life's gonna return to where it starts. lols. listening to drops of jupiter now. damn nice! :) hahahahahas. well, memories mann.. nice memories.. =D hahaa.
anyway.. i think i'm gonna change my blogskin soon. good lehhh. hahas. i've been using this skin for very long already. since last year's december until now i think. hahas. freaking long lahh. lols. it's time to change. :) yupps. downloaded some skins but have yet to change lahh. :) anyway, heard the news that terry and dolly patched. good for them but hope that they will be fine from now onwards. no more kiddy quarrels please. :P hahas. :) ohh wells, maybe i should change my tagboard also. lols. hahas.
yayy! successfully uploaded my song. gonna change it now. and i mean, NOW!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahas. ohh i love to smiles. AND ZAC WAS SO LUCKY TO HAVE PICKED UPP A N73 ME!!!!! I WANNA BUY THAT PHONE!!!!! :( -bleahs. i'll get it SOON!!! :)
kkays. bye all. take cares. <3
Friday, March 30, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
he's upset. wait or not to wait?
i'm home. went to urban skate with zac, guangliang and zhi wei last night after work. yarh.. then went to zac's house after that. bathe and etc. then i go home. and zac send me to mrt station.
zac is behaving oddly just now after i came out from the bathroom. he was like, rushing out of the house and i ask him where is he going.. he say he's gonna buy cigarette. and he left the house. then i went back to the room. on the monitor and i saw that he just read my blog. well, obviously he was behaving weirdly after he read my blog. he was quiet all the way. i tried asking him what happened.. but he just keep telling me nothing. well, how to believe nothing happened when i know something did happened? i don't know. i tried to prompt him to tell me what happen but he refuse. so i just leave it.
on the way he send me to mrt station.. after we cross the road.. he suddenly remembered that he usually don't send me that far.. so he ask if i want him to send me to the mrt station.. i said " up to you. " i could sense he's waiting for me to tell him that i want him to send me there. but still, the choice is up to him to decide. not for me to decide. but still, he send me to the mrt station. so on the way there.. again, i tried to ask him what happened.. but still, he refuse to say and keep pretending nothing happened. i somehow know the reason.. and was waiting for him to tell me what's bothering him. but yet he kept quiet.. i could see his eyes was watery.. he was trying to be strong in front of me.. yes, i can sense that.. but.. but.. but.. seeing him like that.. pains me.. :(
i was paranoid.. so i called him and ask him to tell me what's going on.. end up.. he was telling me that he hope that i could tell him i will wait for him before he go in NS. well, what can i do now? maybe i should sit down and have a good chat with my mom. also, on the way to mrt station.. he suddenly ask me " what's the song that represent our relationship? " i answered " right here waiting. " then he say.. " i think we should change to another song. " of course, i asked why. then he say. " no lahh.. change to something else lohh. " i find it weird.. so i ask again.. why.. and he say " are you waiting? " and i keep quiet.. then he say he find it stupid when i'm not waiting. for years.. this song has been a song with relate us together. but now he tell me that. i was stun. but in the end i tell him, " up to you lahh.. you wanna change then change lohh.. " and both of us silence.
on the way back on mrt.. i actually think a lot. about me and zac's past. our happiness and sadness. and for the years we've been together.. what have we done together.. a lot.. we've gone through a lot.. and i was wondering.. if we could pass this round. he told me just now that on march 13.. he asked for a chance to be nice to me again.. just one month.. and now the time is upp. and he say he just wanna be happy with me for the last 17 days. is it really gonna be just 17 days? or it could be longer? i don't know.. but if i were the last time kat.. i believe it will be longer than just a 17 days. now.. i'm no longer the same.. i don't believe in things which i can't tell if it can come true. i want prove to assure myself. yes, zac has been nice to me.. even though he pissed me off a little here and there. but he was nice to me. he give in to me.. etc etc. but.. but.. to promise him to wait for him is gonna be another thing already. it's not easy waiting for a guy to serve NS. it's a tough decision to make. but.. i know i have to give him an answer to at least ease his worries. haix..
ben talked to me yesterday before i go for work. he say that bevan is not gonna come back for holiday. well, his decision. i can' decide for him anyway. take care then bahh. study hard.
my mind went blank now. i guess i'm tired. i need some rest before work. bye. later i'm working 1pm - 11pm. 10 hours of work. =_= happy yeah? -dream on.
zac is behaving oddly just now after i came out from the bathroom. he was like, rushing out of the house and i ask him where is he going.. he say he's gonna buy cigarette. and he left the house. then i went back to the room. on the monitor and i saw that he just read my blog. well, obviously he was behaving weirdly after he read my blog. he was quiet all the way. i tried asking him what happened.. but he just keep telling me nothing. well, how to believe nothing happened when i know something did happened? i don't know. i tried to prompt him to tell me what happen but he refuse. so i just leave it.
on the way he send me to mrt station.. after we cross the road.. he suddenly remembered that he usually don't send me that far.. so he ask if i want him to send me to the mrt station.. i said " up to you. " i could sense he's waiting for me to tell him that i want him to send me there. but still, the choice is up to him to decide. not for me to decide. but still, he send me to the mrt station. so on the way there.. again, i tried to ask him what happened.. but still, he refuse to say and keep pretending nothing happened. i somehow know the reason.. and was waiting for him to tell me what's bothering him. but yet he kept quiet.. i could see his eyes was watery.. he was trying to be strong in front of me.. yes, i can sense that.. but.. but.. but.. seeing him like that.. pains me.. :(
i was paranoid.. so i called him and ask him to tell me what's going on.. end up.. he was telling me that he hope that i could tell him i will wait for him before he go in NS. well, what can i do now? maybe i should sit down and have a good chat with my mom. also, on the way to mrt station.. he suddenly ask me " what's the song that represent our relationship? " i answered " right here waiting. " then he say.. " i think we should change to another song. " of course, i asked why. then he say. " no lahh.. change to something else lohh. " i find it weird.. so i ask again.. why.. and he say " are you waiting? " and i keep quiet.. then he say he find it stupid when i'm not waiting. for years.. this song has been a song with relate us together. but now he tell me that. i was stun. but in the end i tell him, " up to you lahh.. you wanna change then change lohh.. " and both of us silence.
on the way back on mrt.. i actually think a lot. about me and zac's past. our happiness and sadness. and for the years we've been together.. what have we done together.. a lot.. we've gone through a lot.. and i was wondering.. if we could pass this round. he told me just now that on march 13.. he asked for a chance to be nice to me again.. just one month.. and now the time is upp. and he say he just wanna be happy with me for the last 17 days. is it really gonna be just 17 days? or it could be longer? i don't know.. but if i were the last time kat.. i believe it will be longer than just a 17 days. now.. i'm no longer the same.. i don't believe in things which i can't tell if it can come true. i want prove to assure myself. yes, zac has been nice to me.. even though he pissed me off a little here and there. but he was nice to me. he give in to me.. etc etc. but.. but.. to promise him to wait for him is gonna be another thing already. it's not easy waiting for a guy to serve NS. it's a tough decision to make. but.. i know i have to give him an answer to at least ease his worries. haix..
ben talked to me yesterday before i go for work. he say that bevan is not gonna come back for holiday. well, his decision. i can' decide for him anyway. take care then bahh. study hard.
my mind went blank now. i guess i'm tired. i need some rest before work. bye. later i'm working 1pm - 11pm. 10 hours of work. =_= happy yeah? -dream on.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
maybe he should tell me this..
this is a random post.. i was cooking noodles in the kitchen when the thought of bevan saying he'll cook for me when i'm hungry cross my mind. well, unknowingly, he came across my mind sometimes. i hope things are alright for him in australia. ben told me that he hasn't been doing very well for his studies. i believe he can do it. JIA YOU BEV!! :)
well, sometimes i wonder.. why am i so concern about him? am i still pinning hopes on him? but when i spare a thought for zac.. i know i can't do that. i know i can't do that.. things will go back to where it is. i don't know when will bevan return and i don't know what will happen. i can't promise zac i'll wait and i won't do so. NS has been my fear all these years.. but right now, it's gonna happen in just 18 days. bye to zac and NS he go. even if i'm not with zac.. and IF i'm with bevan.. i'll face the same thing next year.. cause bevan is going NS next year. so things will go back to square one. maybe when bevan is back.. maybe if he tells me that he no longer carry a torch for me, no longer have hopes on me.. then that will be the day i fully release myself from him. cause right now, SOMETIMES, he still flash back in my mind. and i mean sometimes only.. zac, please don't be sensitive. i hope you understand. if you're unhappy reading this, call me and talk to me. okay? :) smile!
well, this is a random post like i said.. so now.. it should ends randomly. bye~
well, sometimes i wonder.. why am i so concern about him? am i still pinning hopes on him? but when i spare a thought for zac.. i know i can't do that. i know i can't do that.. things will go back to where it is. i don't know when will bevan return and i don't know what will happen. i can't promise zac i'll wait and i won't do so. NS has been my fear all these years.. but right now, it's gonna happen in just 18 days. bye to zac and NS he go. even if i'm not with zac.. and IF i'm with bevan.. i'll face the same thing next year.. cause bevan is going NS next year. so things will go back to square one. maybe when bevan is back.. maybe if he tells me that he no longer carry a torch for me, no longer have hopes on me.. then that will be the day i fully release myself from him. cause right now, SOMETIMES, he still flash back in my mind. and i mean sometimes only.. zac, please don't be sensitive. i hope you understand. if you're unhappy reading this, call me and talk to me. okay? :) smile!
well, this is a random post like i said.. so now.. it should ends randomly. bye~
should i leave? 18 days to his enlistment.
well, SHOULD I LEAVE GELARE???? ohh my godd. sally is offering me another job which is a HIGHER pay now lohh. what should i do? and i hate to work with marcus. he fucking pissed me off like madd today lohh. he fucking PMS lohh. he make me feel like saying bye to gelare. i wanna go back to ECP. ECP is my home. i wanna go back there. i hate hougang.
anyway.. i doubt i can tolerate him any longer. and i've stayed at hougang long enough. i had enough of marcus and hougang. his temper. his way of doing things and his way of cutting cost. NONSENSE to me. where got people work for company like that? spoil company's name only lohh. cut cost. cut the name i think. fucking crappy. whatever~
i do the way ECP ask me to do. not the way he wants me to do. cause ECP is LAW BY LAW. ECP rocks! :) i love ECP!! :)
anyway.. off this topic. well, i enjoyed my days at ECP. but not hougang. haix. how? so long as i stay in gelare as full timer.. i'm bound to go to hougang to help. which i strongly DON"T WANT. can't stand working there. the only time i enjoy working at hougang is during sufian's shift.. with marie. other than that.. NO WAY!!
FUCK IT. i'm suppose to stop this topic. grrr. fell in love with the song.. sweet escape. by gwen stefani ft akon. hahas. cute song. hahas. sweet also. well, i think i'm gonna bathe and sleep now. :) bye all. update soon.
to wilson and maria :
you all can try going to corduroy to ask for a job. but my friend quit there already. i just know. but she say you all can try going for interview. it's at vivocity #01-106. Tell: 65639895 =D
anyway.. i doubt i can tolerate him any longer. and i've stayed at hougang long enough. i had enough of marcus and hougang. his temper. his way of doing things and his way of cutting cost. NONSENSE to me. where got people work for company like that? spoil company's name only lohh. cut cost. cut the name i think. fucking crappy. whatever~
i do the way ECP ask me to do. not the way he wants me to do. cause ECP is LAW BY LAW. ECP rocks! :) i love ECP!! :)
anyway.. off this topic. well, i enjoyed my days at ECP. but not hougang. haix. how? so long as i stay in gelare as full timer.. i'm bound to go to hougang to help. which i strongly DON"T WANT. can't stand working there. the only time i enjoy working at hougang is during sufian's shift.. with marie. other than that.. NO WAY!!
FUCK IT. i'm suppose to stop this topic. grrr. fell in love with the song.. sweet escape. by gwen stefani ft akon. hahas. cute song. hahas. sweet also. well, i think i'm gonna bathe and sleep now. :) bye all. update soon.
to wilson and maria :
you all can try going to corduroy to ask for a job. but my friend quit there already. i just know. but she say you all can try going for interview. it's at vivocity #01-106. Tell: 65639895 =D
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
am i suppose to be treated this way? a tragic.
my family just quarrelled. from the oldest to the youngest. everyone quarrelled. and this is hell. seriously hell to me. i'm like, sick? and yet this kind of fucking problem is here now. yes, i'm happy that bitch (geline) is being chase out of the house. she deserve it. for her disrespectfulness to everyone at home. and i won't help her no more.
my dad hit her. right in front of me. and warned me that if i ever does the same thing to my mom, he will do the same t me. at that point of time, i was thinking. no matter how bad tempered i am, i won't hit my mom. i'm not geline. and i will never scold my mom because of my boyfriend. whereas geline, always does that. those of you who have seen my sister before. first impression she will give everyone is that she's sweet and lovely. but to all if you all's dismay. she's not. she's not as sweet as she seems to be. and she's not as lovely as she seems to be. she always like to leave good impression to my friends whom i bring home. ha. but so sorry.. they seems to have known more about her now. and i don't regret telling my friends what she has done, to my mom. and now, she left the house. andshe was crying like as if the pig is being slaughter outside the house. but who give a damn? like nobody? then my dad actually went out to take a look. and he came upp and went out again after changing. now my mom is very upset. and i don't wanna upset her further. i wanted to accompany her. but she wants me to rest cause i'm having flu. so now, i'm suppose to be sleeping. but i'll do so after blogging.
and, i'm quite displease with zac. after all that has happened just now. i wanted to call him to tell him what happened and stuffs. and i thought he should be understanding enough to know that i wasn't feeling nice. and i was expecting some console from him. but, instead of console, he argued with me. the worst part is when i told him about when my dad is angry, nobody can stop him from doing anything. yet he wanna keep telling me that " if you say i can't stop him means you're wrong ". like what the fuck? i'm just trying to tell you his personality and the consequences of him getting angry. what's the point of telling me you have the strength to stop him and stuffs? fuck it. any guy who is stronger than him can do so lahh. nobody can stop him from doing what he wants to do. if he wanna whack my sister, no matter where, what time. he will just get it done. I WANT CONSOLE FROM YOU AND NOT YOU TELLING ME WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG. IF YOU'RE IN MY SHOE, HOW WILL YOU FEEL???? think about it.
i don't have the mood to do anything else now. maybe wednesday night i'm not going st james. neither is saturday. i'm not going anywhere. i'm not meeting anyone. other than workplace, i'll be back home. i'm sick and tired of being backfired by my BOYFRIEND. you need to be more sensible to understand the situation between YOUR family and MY family. don't always think that every family is like yours. mine is NOT!
- i'm pissed.. -
my dad hit her. right in front of me. and warned me that if i ever does the same thing to my mom, he will do the same t me. at that point of time, i was thinking. no matter how bad tempered i am, i won't hit my mom. i'm not geline. and i will never scold my mom because of my boyfriend. whereas geline, always does that. those of you who have seen my sister before. first impression she will give everyone is that she's sweet and lovely. but to all if you all's dismay. she's not. she's not as sweet as she seems to be. and she's not as lovely as she seems to be. she always like to leave good impression to my friends whom i bring home. ha. but so sorry.. they seems to have known more about her now. and i don't regret telling my friends what she has done, to my mom. and now, she left the house. andshe was crying like as if the pig is being slaughter outside the house. but who give a damn? like nobody? then my dad actually went out to take a look. and he came upp and went out again after changing. now my mom is very upset. and i don't wanna upset her further. i wanted to accompany her. but she wants me to rest cause i'm having flu. so now, i'm suppose to be sleeping. but i'll do so after blogging.
and, i'm quite displease with zac. after all that has happened just now. i wanted to call him to tell him what happened and stuffs. and i thought he should be understanding enough to know that i wasn't feeling nice. and i was expecting some console from him. but, instead of console, he argued with me. the worst part is when i told him about when my dad is angry, nobody can stop him from doing anything. yet he wanna keep telling me that " if you say i can't stop him means you're wrong ". like what the fuck? i'm just trying to tell you his personality and the consequences of him getting angry. what's the point of telling me you have the strength to stop him and stuffs? fuck it. any guy who is stronger than him can do so lahh. nobody can stop him from doing what he wants to do. if he wanna whack my sister, no matter where, what time. he will just get it done. I WANT CONSOLE FROM YOU AND NOT YOU TELLING ME WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG. IF YOU'RE IN MY SHOE, HOW WILL YOU FEEL???? think about it.
i don't have the mood to do anything else now. maybe wednesday night i'm not going st james. neither is saturday. i'm not going anywhere. i'm not meeting anyone. other than workplace, i'll be back home. i'm sick and tired of being backfired by my BOYFRIEND. you need to be more sensible to understand the situation between YOUR family and MY family. don't always think that every family is like yours. mine is NOT!
- i'm pissed.. -
Sunday, March 18, 2007
am i your stress or happiness?
i just read zac's blog.
Kat, even tho we patch after all, i felt something is missing.. i dun feel much love for u like last time.. maybe u r angry becos i saw something i shldnt know, but i didnt blame u for not telling me.. i had forgive u.. reason being i love u.. Cant u tell hw much i need u? To keep u by my side, i had changed for u.. i dun raise my voice.. i give in.. i spend more time with u.. i take initiative to call u.. all i hope is that u will appreciate what im doing for u.. cant u see the diff in me?? i had been very nice to u!! what did i get back in return?? all your scolding.. your black faces.. ignoring me.. the coldness towards me.. im wondering.. we patch is it becos of u pitying me?.. yes.. im pathetic.. i cant get over u.. i cant fall in love with any other gal.. im so weak..mentally.. pls.. all i wan is simply u talking to me nicely, dun raise your voice at me & allow me to ask question.. i will definitly appreciate it alot. Pls treat me as your loved one, not your dog.
rite now my onli worry going in ns is.. will u even wait for me?.. The answer is very impt to me.. i dun wanna get hurt when im in army.. that kind of feeling is unbearable. Pls assure me with an answer.. an pls stop telling pp we got no future.. if that what u think, no one will see a future in us. I wan to know that u really love, really wish to stay by my side forever.. cos i only wish to love u..
sry.. im jus feeling not very gd.. i need rest..
above in blue, is what he has written. and now, i think i should give him a reply. the first highlight " don't feel much love for you like last time. '' well then, why are you wanting us to patch and keep telling me how much you love me and stuffs? are you actually lying anyway? and, i wasn't angry with you for reading my chat logs and knowing what has happened between me and bevan. i'm okay with it. cause i know all along, your only purpose of viewing my chat logs is just to find out what has happened between me and bevan. i don't bother deleting my chat logs.. cause i know there shouldn't things i should hide. whereas you, delete away chat logs to hide things from me. and i find it stupid when you ask me to be truthful yet you're not. i find myself a stupid fool to believe everything you say. BUT! never mind. i believe god will be fair to me. whatever you've done.. god will give me what's mine too. so long as i'm clear conscience, i will be fine with it.
okays, now the second highlight. " you will appreciate what i'm doing for you ". let me ask you, when one is appreciative, do you know? like last time, when i do almost everything on earth, hoping you will appreciate and cherish me more.. what happened? now that you are the one who is doing things and you grumbles about me not being appreciative? ha. maybe love is blind. until you can't tell whether i'm appreciating you or not. maybe when one is only thinking about their own feelings, they can't see others tiredness.. they can't tell whether the other party appreciate them or not. i've been through this stage where i only spare a thought for myself. but now i've opened upp and is trying hard to spare a thought for others. maybe, zac, you're impatient. well, now, all i can do is.. try to forget about the past and be happy with you. maybe until the day IF we part once more, then you will realise i actually appreciated you. maybe..
well, listneing to " open arms " now.. getting emo.. =_= and the next song is " when you believe "
okay.. now the third highlight. " we patch is it because you pitying me? " well, zac, i'm not. and if your mind is always brooding about what i told you last time, i seriously see no point for me to explain. and i find it useless.. cause no matter what i tell you, how i explain.. i'm just wasting my time.. cause you keep thinking about the past. well, i admit. i do think about your past.. but i always ask myself to keep it to myself for as long as i can. but do you realise whenever we argue or whatsoever.. you will mention why am i like this or like that.. and sometimes you even mention the past. and at that point of time, do you even jolly well know i could mention your past too? you said i talked about the past. yes i do. but who mind about the past most? you! so do you think my explainations will works on you? ha. i doubt so. i was disappointed. with what you always write in your blog. what you tell me and what you blog down seems to be different in some ways. am i wrong to trust you again? are you lying to me again? i don't know. if you are lying to me again.. i think i'm really the most stupidest girl on earth, like what bevan scolded me. what more can i say? we've patched for some time already. yet you wanna think i'm pitying you. ha. go ahead and have your own thinking then. i'm tired of explaining. i just don't wanna be thinking of all the questions you always like to ask me. i hate to think and I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
anyway, just heard " i'll be loving you forever by damage." now is " truely madly deeply by savage garden "
here in your arms playing now. ha. =D well, now, my fourth highlight. " please treat me as your loved one, not your dog. " i seriously hate it when someone whom i treat as a boyfriend tells me i treats him like a dog. which part of me actually written " MY BOYFRIEND IS MY DOG! " ?? like, what the fuck? if i treat you like a dog then why i bothers meeting a dog? going out with a dog? club with a dog and even eat with a dog? like what the hell lahh. now i seriously wonder.. why is he always blogging about the sad times he had with me? is it because he wanna tell the world i'm toturing him? or tarnishing my name again like years ago? woah.. i'm the dumbest dumb ever. hahas. well, my mood now - UNSTABLE AND A LITTLE PISSED. i don't know why am i pissed.. perharps is because of what zac always write in his blog. he make the world feel that i'm ill-treating him.. and to ask myself this question, " kat, can you tolerate all these during this one month agreement? " my answer is IF THIS KIND OF THINGS HAPPENS EVERYDAY.. I RATHER GO AND DIE. CAUSE I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. whoo.. feel better now.. after replying. :) cause normally i will just read and keep my mouth shut. but this time round i can't take it anymore. :) zac, it's not i don't let you ask questions.. is sometimes the questions you ask, i don't feel like replying. and you will keep asking until i finds it a total irritant. if i don't wanna answer you, just stop sking the same question. and i guess things will be better. it's okay if you ask things ONCE. not keep REPEATING. it'll become irritating then. maybe things will be better between us when you know how to stop asking me question the second time when i don't feel like answering. and remember, I DON'T LIKE TO BE FORCED.
hmm, here is the last highlight. " will you even wait for me? " aHH! i will NEVER answer this question. not to any guys. cause if i say yes i'll wait then it's a promise. it's because i don't know if i can wait. now, we're talking about two years lohh. not two months lehh. two years later.. i'm 21 years old. most probably busy with my work and stuffs. and when he come out from army.. he will get his job. and maybe he's in love with another girl then. then what? i freaking wasted my two years waiting for you? wait for you to come out from army and see you with another girl? ohh my godd. no way please. i will never promise any guys when they ask me this question before they go for NS. if you ask if i can wait for you to come back from a holiday.. okay lahh. this kind of course can. after you come back you can accompany me again.. but NS is different. it's totally different. last time i used to worry a lot about zac going to NS. but then i realised.. no used worrying.. cause i don't know what will happen in the future. so better not think about what will happen. the best is to cherish every moment i had with him. that's all i ask for.
" the reason " playing now. hahahahas. :) nice song. and now, zac, i'm telling you.. enjoy the days you have with me. no point seeing into the future when you don't even know what will happen. what comes may. all i hope for now is both of us cherish the times we had together. as simple as that. your enlistment wasn't a nice news to me either. but the date is coming nearer but we seems to have a lot more to do with not enough time. i rather you think of how are we going to complete the things we wanna do all along. not to always think of all these stuffs which i think is of no use thinking. so yeah, don't think about the rest of the stuffs bahh. just be happy with me when we're together. and remember, don't always ask me questions which i don't wanna answer. pointless asking. cause you'll just piss me off. sorry.. i'm being harsh. i wasn't in a good mood. and as for your latest post.. i guess i'm part of your stress. and i think you need a break from me too. okay. i will give you. i shall see you only after you've finish skating. cause right now, what you said was you wanna skate only. so okay. i'll give it to you. i won't bother you now. just remember to take care can lerx. happy skating then. 26 days to your enlistment. maybe i should let you skate for this 26 days. :) okays, can, if this is what you want. don't misunderstand what i'm saying here. i'm not adding stress to you. cause you say you don't have time to skate mahh.. so i'm giving you the time you want now lohh. if you want, you can always drop me a call and come and find me. if not you can go and skate the whole day. skate 24 hours also can.. just remember to eat can already. yupps. :)
okays. now, i'm done with zac. i mean, finish telling him what i wanna say. yupps. hmm, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I FUCKING DISOWN MY SISTER, GELINE LAW CHEE TING. cause i don't and no longer see her as my sister. she whacked my mom and that's the day i disown her already. i gave her one chance.. and if she ever touch my mom again.. to girls home she go. i don't give a damn about her. she's just a useless person in my eyes. like what my grandma says about her and abiel (her boyfriend.) which i think i should agree. all they know is to stay at my house.. eat what my mom bought.. and never appreciate what my mom did. fucking my mom have to buy food for them everytime they stay at home. can't they buy it themselves. no money? don't eat lahh. starve to death for all i care. i wished she can just die like that. cause i hate her. my mom buy food for them and they didn't even say thank you. i don't wanna even see her at home now. whenever she's at home, there will never be peace. she's just a trouble maker. i hope god shorten her live to HALF for whacking my mom. she deserves to die for that. yes she does. i hate her.. this is how bad it can be when i hate someone. she's just a piece of trash in everyone's eyes. she's NOTHING. cause she is a fucked upp person. yes she is. and she's NOT my sister. i don't know a person like her. my whole family, i only have two younger sister.. jiayi and jiamin. i don't remember having one more. :) yupps.
okays. i'm tired already.. and i'm hungry. i wanna eat! better go and find some food to eat first. :) then go and sleep lohh.. :) bye bye~ nights nights~
Kat, even tho we patch after all, i felt something is missing.. i dun feel much love for u like last time.. maybe u r angry becos i saw something i shldnt know, but i didnt blame u for not telling me.. i had forgive u.. reason being i love u.. Cant u tell hw much i need u? To keep u by my side, i had changed for u.. i dun raise my voice.. i give in.. i spend more time with u.. i take initiative to call u.. all i hope is that u will appreciate what im doing for u.. cant u see the diff in me?? i had been very nice to u!! what did i get back in return?? all your scolding.. your black faces.. ignoring me.. the coldness towards me.. im wondering.. we patch is it becos of u pitying me?.. yes.. im pathetic.. i cant get over u.. i cant fall in love with any other gal.. im so weak..mentally.. pls.. all i wan is simply u talking to me nicely, dun raise your voice at me & allow me to ask question.. i will definitly appreciate it alot. Pls treat me as your loved one, not your dog.
rite now my onli worry going in ns is.. will u even wait for me?.. The answer is very impt to me.. i dun wanna get hurt when im in army.. that kind of feeling is unbearable. Pls assure me with an answer.. an pls stop telling pp we got no future.. if that what u think, no one will see a future in us. I wan to know that u really love, really wish to stay by my side forever.. cos i only wish to love u..
sry.. im jus feeling not very gd.. i need rest..
above in blue, is what he has written. and now, i think i should give him a reply. the first highlight " don't feel much love for you like last time. '' well then, why are you wanting us to patch and keep telling me how much you love me and stuffs? are you actually lying anyway? and, i wasn't angry with you for reading my chat logs and knowing what has happened between me and bevan. i'm okay with it. cause i know all along, your only purpose of viewing my chat logs is just to find out what has happened between me and bevan. i don't bother deleting my chat logs.. cause i know there shouldn't things i should hide. whereas you, delete away chat logs to hide things from me. and i find it stupid when you ask me to be truthful yet you're not. i find myself a stupid fool to believe everything you say. BUT! never mind. i believe god will be fair to me. whatever you've done.. god will give me what's mine too. so long as i'm clear conscience, i will be fine with it.
okays, now the second highlight. " you will appreciate what i'm doing for you ". let me ask you, when one is appreciative, do you know? like last time, when i do almost everything on earth, hoping you will appreciate and cherish me more.. what happened? now that you are the one who is doing things and you grumbles about me not being appreciative? ha. maybe love is blind. until you can't tell whether i'm appreciating you or not. maybe when one is only thinking about their own feelings, they can't see others tiredness.. they can't tell whether the other party appreciate them or not. i've been through this stage where i only spare a thought for myself. but now i've opened upp and is trying hard to spare a thought for others. maybe, zac, you're impatient. well, now, all i can do is.. try to forget about the past and be happy with you. maybe until the day IF we part once more, then you will realise i actually appreciated you. maybe..
well, listneing to " open arms " now.. getting emo.. =_= and the next song is " when you believe "
okay.. now the third highlight. " we patch is it because you pitying me? " well, zac, i'm not. and if your mind is always brooding about what i told you last time, i seriously see no point for me to explain. and i find it useless.. cause no matter what i tell you, how i explain.. i'm just wasting my time.. cause you keep thinking about the past. well, i admit. i do think about your past.. but i always ask myself to keep it to myself for as long as i can. but do you realise whenever we argue or whatsoever.. you will mention why am i like this or like that.. and sometimes you even mention the past. and at that point of time, do you even jolly well know i could mention your past too? you said i talked about the past. yes i do. but who mind about the past most? you! so do you think my explainations will works on you? ha. i doubt so. i was disappointed. with what you always write in your blog. what you tell me and what you blog down seems to be different in some ways. am i wrong to trust you again? are you lying to me again? i don't know. if you are lying to me again.. i think i'm really the most stupidest girl on earth, like what bevan scolded me. what more can i say? we've patched for some time already. yet you wanna think i'm pitying you. ha. go ahead and have your own thinking then. i'm tired of explaining. i just don't wanna be thinking of all the questions you always like to ask me. i hate to think and I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
anyway, just heard " i'll be loving you forever by damage." now is " truely madly deeply by savage garden "
here in your arms playing now. ha. =D well, now, my fourth highlight. " please treat me as your loved one, not your dog. " i seriously hate it when someone whom i treat as a boyfriend tells me i treats him like a dog. which part of me actually written " MY BOYFRIEND IS MY DOG! " ?? like, what the fuck? if i treat you like a dog then why i bothers meeting a dog? going out with a dog? club with a dog and even eat with a dog? like what the hell lahh. now i seriously wonder.. why is he always blogging about the sad times he had with me? is it because he wanna tell the world i'm toturing him? or tarnishing my name again like years ago? woah.. i'm the dumbest dumb ever. hahas. well, my mood now - UNSTABLE AND A LITTLE PISSED. i don't know why am i pissed.. perharps is because of what zac always write in his blog. he make the world feel that i'm ill-treating him.. and to ask myself this question, " kat, can you tolerate all these during this one month agreement? " my answer is IF THIS KIND OF THINGS HAPPENS EVERYDAY.. I RATHER GO AND DIE. CAUSE I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. whoo.. feel better now.. after replying. :) cause normally i will just read and keep my mouth shut. but this time round i can't take it anymore. :) zac, it's not i don't let you ask questions.. is sometimes the questions you ask, i don't feel like replying. and you will keep asking until i finds it a total irritant. if i don't wanna answer you, just stop sking the same question. and i guess things will be better. it's okay if you ask things ONCE. not keep REPEATING. it'll become irritating then. maybe things will be better between us when you know how to stop asking me question the second time when i don't feel like answering. and remember, I DON'T LIKE TO BE FORCED.
hmm, here is the last highlight. " will you even wait for me? " aHH! i will NEVER answer this question. not to any guys. cause if i say yes i'll wait then it's a promise. it's because i don't know if i can wait. now, we're talking about two years lohh. not two months lehh. two years later.. i'm 21 years old. most probably busy with my work and stuffs. and when he come out from army.. he will get his job. and maybe he's in love with another girl then. then what? i freaking wasted my two years waiting for you? wait for you to come out from army and see you with another girl? ohh my godd. no way please. i will never promise any guys when they ask me this question before they go for NS. if you ask if i can wait for you to come back from a holiday.. okay lahh. this kind of course can. after you come back you can accompany me again.. but NS is different. it's totally different. last time i used to worry a lot about zac going to NS. but then i realised.. no used worrying.. cause i don't know what will happen in the future. so better not think about what will happen. the best is to cherish every moment i had with him. that's all i ask for.
" the reason " playing now. hahahahas. :) nice song. and now, zac, i'm telling you.. enjoy the days you have with me. no point seeing into the future when you don't even know what will happen. what comes may. all i hope for now is both of us cherish the times we had together. as simple as that. your enlistment wasn't a nice news to me either. but the date is coming nearer but we seems to have a lot more to do with not enough time. i rather you think of how are we going to complete the things we wanna do all along. not to always think of all these stuffs which i think is of no use thinking. so yeah, don't think about the rest of the stuffs bahh. just be happy with me when we're together. and remember, don't always ask me questions which i don't wanna answer. pointless asking. cause you'll just piss me off. sorry.. i'm being harsh. i wasn't in a good mood. and as for your latest post.. i guess i'm part of your stress. and i think you need a break from me too. okay. i will give you. i shall see you only after you've finish skating. cause right now, what you said was you wanna skate only. so okay. i'll give it to you. i won't bother you now. just remember to take care can lerx. happy skating then. 26 days to your enlistment. maybe i should let you skate for this 26 days. :) okays, can, if this is what you want. don't misunderstand what i'm saying here. i'm not adding stress to you. cause you say you don't have time to skate mahh.. so i'm giving you the time you want now lohh. if you want, you can always drop me a call and come and find me. if not you can go and skate the whole day. skate 24 hours also can.. just remember to eat can already. yupps. :)
okays. now, i'm done with zac. i mean, finish telling him what i wanna say. yupps. hmm, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I FUCKING DISOWN MY SISTER, GELINE LAW CHEE TING. cause i don't and no longer see her as my sister. she whacked my mom and that's the day i disown her already. i gave her one chance.. and if she ever touch my mom again.. to girls home she go. i don't give a damn about her. she's just a useless person in my eyes. like what my grandma says about her and abiel (her boyfriend.) which i think i should agree. all they know is to stay at my house.. eat what my mom bought.. and never appreciate what my mom did. fucking my mom have to buy food for them everytime they stay at home. can't they buy it themselves. no money? don't eat lahh. starve to death for all i care. i wished she can just die like that. cause i hate her. my mom buy food for them and they didn't even say thank you. i don't wanna even see her at home now. whenever she's at home, there will never be peace. she's just a trouble maker. i hope god shorten her live to HALF for whacking my mom. she deserves to die for that. yes she does. i hate her.. this is how bad it can be when i hate someone. she's just a piece of trash in everyone's eyes. she's NOTHING. cause she is a fucked upp person. yes she is. and she's NOT my sister. i don't know a person like her. my whole family, i only have two younger sister.. jiayi and jiamin. i don't remember having one more. :) yupps.
okays. i'm tired already.. and i'm hungry. i wanna eat! better go and find some food to eat first. :) then go and sleep lohh.. :) bye bye~ nights nights~
Friday, March 16, 2007
to stay or to leave?
i'm so vexed. i don't know whether to stay at gelare or not. haix. sally told me that day that she can offer me a better paid job if i go over to her cafe and help. so now, i don't know if i should leave or not.
reasons for me to stay :
1. i like gelare actually.
2. i have many friends there.
3. i feel bad if i leave after they taught me so many things.
reasons for me to leave :
1. sally offers me a much higher pay.
2. i need more money since i stopped studying.
3. it's also a cafe kinda job, so if i go over, it's actually quite okay for me.
4. my mom and zac supports me to change job?
i seems to have more reasons to leave rather than stay. but fennie they all have been really nice to me. and i don't wanna be like chee wha like that. -a disappointment in their eyes. what should i do? haix. FAN ARHH!
well, marcus spoke to me.. told me about wanting me to start running shifts and start doing ordering soon. well, i don't really wanna do these kind of things. i just wanna be a normal staff. i know lahh, i can't be thinking of this for long term.. but it's just seems too soon for me to start all these responsibilities. haix.. don't know lahh. help! and marcus spoke to me about promoting me also. i'm like, WHAT THE FUCK?!?! promote? madd lohh. i freaking work there like, less than two months? they mad or what? wanna think of promoting me. haix.. siao already. anyway, i don't wanna be bothered by these.. but marcus keep telling me it's not the matter of how long you've work, it's whether you want or not. well, experience is important also wadd. and he keep telling me that i can make it de. just that i don't want.. yarh.. it's true, i don't want.. i don't wanna be promoted so soon. it's seriously too fast already. and i don't think i can't take this responsibility now. i can't.
anyway, i'm tired. will blog again. bye~
reasons for me to stay :
1. i like gelare actually.
2. i have many friends there.
3. i feel bad if i leave after they taught me so many things.
reasons for me to leave :
1. sally offers me a much higher pay.
2. i need more money since i stopped studying.
3. it's also a cafe kinda job, so if i go over, it's actually quite okay for me.
4. my mom and zac supports me to change job?
i seems to have more reasons to leave rather than stay. but fennie they all have been really nice to me. and i don't wanna be like chee wha like that. -a disappointment in their eyes. what should i do? haix. FAN ARHH!
well, marcus spoke to me.. told me about wanting me to start running shifts and start doing ordering soon. well, i don't really wanna do these kind of things. i just wanna be a normal staff. i know lahh, i can't be thinking of this for long term.. but it's just seems too soon for me to start all these responsibilities. haix.. don't know lahh. help! and marcus spoke to me about promoting me also. i'm like, WHAT THE FUCK?!?! promote? madd lohh. i freaking work there like, less than two months? they mad or what? wanna think of promoting me. haix.. siao already. anyway, i don't wanna be bothered by these.. but marcus keep telling me it's not the matter of how long you've work, it's whether you want or not. well, experience is important also wadd. and he keep telling me that i can make it de. just that i don't want.. yarh.. it's true, i don't want.. i don't wanna be promoted so soon. it's seriously too fast already. and i don't think i can't take this responsibility now. i can't.
anyway, i'm tired. will blog again. bye~
Thursday, March 15, 2007
i had fun at st james! =D
hahas. i had fun at st james the past two days. =D especially tonight. hahahahas. know some new friends. nice nice! hahahahahas. went with zac, henry, sally, ivy and leonard. hahahahahas. enjoyed my night dancing. and the guys are WEAK! hahas. they simply can't stand dancing for long hours. -retarded. hehees. :)
hmm, alchohol makes me high. i love to drink. :) :)
thanks zac for the night. =D
lady's night. *loves.
i love st james. :)
hmm, alchohol makes me high. i love to drink. :) :)
thanks zac for the night. =D
lady's night. *loves.
i love st james. :)
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
feel like blogging. so i'm here.
i feel like blogging. but don't know what to say. =_= well, later on today.. gonna work. until 6pm. then rush home. bathe and change and get ready to go st james powerhouse. YAYY! it has been some time since i clubbed. hahas. missed the feeling of dancing. hahas. with loud music and everyone mambo together. hahas. if only i had started clubbing since 16. then i guess the clubs in singapore, i would gone like almost all? hahahahas.
anyway, coming saturday maybe going to st james powerhouse again. cause i got two free tickets. then steph say can go with me. =D i think zac also will wanna follow. okays. i don't mind. as long as he don't give anyone trouble. :) yupps. i hate trouble makers. hahas. and i think henry will go also. cause henry is member, so can bring friends in. and zac can go in for free. =_= i think i also wanna apply membership already. but every year $228 lehh. not cheap lehh. somemore i don't everyday go mahh. hahahahahahas. whatever~
hmm, later work 12pm - 6pm. yupps. then meeting maria at dhoby ghaut first before going to harbour front. hahas. meeing desmond at harbour front itself cause it's more convenient for him there. yupps. ermm..... i think i wanna stop here lerx, need to get upp at 7:30am later. gotta get my work permit done. yupps. nights all.. i mean.. morning all. it's 18 minutes to 6am. bye. <3
anyway, coming saturday maybe going to st james powerhouse again. cause i got two free tickets. then steph say can go with me. =D i think zac also will wanna follow. okays. i don't mind. as long as he don't give anyone trouble. :) yupps. i hate trouble makers. hahas. and i think henry will go also. cause henry is member, so can bring friends in. and zac can go in for free. =_= i think i also wanna apply membership already. but every year $228 lehh. not cheap lehh. somemore i don't everyday go mahh. hahahahahahas. whatever~
hmm, later work 12pm - 6pm. yupps. then meeting maria at dhoby ghaut first before going to harbour front. hahas. meeing desmond at harbour front itself cause it's more convenient for him there. yupps. ermm..... i think i wanna stop here lerx, need to get upp at 7:30am later. gotta get my work permit done. yupps. nights all.. i mean.. morning all. it's 18 minutes to 6am. bye. <3
Monday, March 12, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Friday, March 9, 2007
am i happy now?
now that zac left me. i should be feeling happy. but why am i upset? i don't know. my mind is fucked upp. what should i do? this time, it's my fault.
what happened was i found out he lied. and when i ask him. he continued with his lie. and so i got angry.. and want to leave. but he stopped me and ask me to stay. but i was too angry to even listen to his explainations. all i was thinking is to leave the place right away. i didn't want to listen to explainations. i'm too lazy to blog down what has happened. whatever it is, it's my fault. i called my mom and told her what happened. and she wants me home. but i stayed there and terry was with me all the way. drink a little. and zac left with henry. i know he's upset. and after i cooled myself down. and i think back. i know i'm at fault. but whatever it is. too late to say anything now. my mom say she don't want me to get back to him. she ask me to take this patch as he was taking revenge on me. ask me to forget everything. i can't believe this.. i was actually crying when i told my mom what happened. but when i was facing zac, listening to all the things he told me.. i can't believe i didn't cry. i was calm, listening to him. i can't believe i did all those things. i can't believe i still cry for him.
actually, zac changed a lot since we patched.. he was nice to me. i guess i wasn't convince enough that's why i wasn't nice to him. i've not been nice to him. it's my fault. i should be blame. he has been a nice boyfriend since the day we patched. i'll miss the feeling during this period of time.
zac, thanks for what you've done during this period of time. you've been a nice boyfriend. for once, i thought so. and it's a nice feeling. regarding what you've told me last night.. i'll take it as you said those things cause you're angry. and i want to let you know, for the past years we've been together.. i was really serious about you. never a day i have the thought of fooling around with you. now that this is happening between us, i believe fate has brought us here. i'm sorry for not letting you to explain. i'm sorry i was harsh. i'm sorry i made you cried. sorry for everything. please take care of yourself.
today, i went to tangjong pagar. was suppose to be there to get my permit done. but i was a little too late. so i gotta go back tomorrow. i spend the day walking around alone. after that i went to meet zac up. was suppose to return him his shirt. but i requested he go parkway with me. and so he did. at first he was reluctant. but he did in the end. i went to 77th street. got a billabong cap and belt. it was for zac. cause i owe him presents. so i bought him back. i returned all the presents i owe him today. but when i told him it was for him, he told me he wasn't interested. but still, i left the presents to him and left. after today, i might not be even seeing him anymore in the future. life's gonna get back to normal. i, going to work and stuffs. my mom called zac.. cause i told her what happened. and she told me what she told him. i kept quiet.. now, my family is all asking me to give upp. should i listen to them? i know everyone meant well.. but, feelings are hard to say. i may be able to move on, but not now.
i find myself sucks. i sucks. KAT SUCKS. I ONLY KNOW HOW TO BRING MISERY TO EVERYONE'S LIFE. zac.. bevan.. i brought misery to their life. and i make them revolve around my life. what the fuck am i doing? KAT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NOW??? i'm confused. zac or bevan.. or neither of them? i don't know. how come things become like this? it's all my fault. solely my fault....
i guess i'm mad. i'm messing upp my life..
am i really happy now?
i'm mad.. i'm insane.
what happened was i found out he lied. and when i ask him. he continued with his lie. and so i got angry.. and want to leave. but he stopped me and ask me to stay. but i was too angry to even listen to his explainations. all i was thinking is to leave the place right away. i didn't want to listen to explainations. i'm too lazy to blog down what has happened. whatever it is, it's my fault. i called my mom and told her what happened. and she wants me home. but i stayed there and terry was with me all the way. drink a little. and zac left with henry. i know he's upset. and after i cooled myself down. and i think back. i know i'm at fault. but whatever it is. too late to say anything now. my mom say she don't want me to get back to him. she ask me to take this patch as he was taking revenge on me. ask me to forget everything. i can't believe this.. i was actually crying when i told my mom what happened. but when i was facing zac, listening to all the things he told me.. i can't believe i didn't cry. i was calm, listening to him. i can't believe i did all those things. i can't believe i still cry for him.
actually, zac changed a lot since we patched.. he was nice to me. i guess i wasn't convince enough that's why i wasn't nice to him. i've not been nice to him. it's my fault. i should be blame. he has been a nice boyfriend since the day we patched. i'll miss the feeling during this period of time.
zac, thanks for what you've done during this period of time. you've been a nice boyfriend. for once, i thought so. and it's a nice feeling. regarding what you've told me last night.. i'll take it as you said those things cause you're angry. and i want to let you know, for the past years we've been together.. i was really serious about you. never a day i have the thought of fooling around with you. now that this is happening between us, i believe fate has brought us here. i'm sorry for not letting you to explain. i'm sorry i was harsh. i'm sorry i made you cried. sorry for everything. please take care of yourself.
today, i went to tangjong pagar. was suppose to be there to get my permit done. but i was a little too late. so i gotta go back tomorrow. i spend the day walking around alone. after that i went to meet zac up. was suppose to return him his shirt. but i requested he go parkway with me. and so he did. at first he was reluctant. but he did in the end. i went to 77th street. got a billabong cap and belt. it was for zac. cause i owe him presents. so i bought him back. i returned all the presents i owe him today. but when i told him it was for him, he told me he wasn't interested. but still, i left the presents to him and left. after today, i might not be even seeing him anymore in the future. life's gonna get back to normal. i, going to work and stuffs. my mom called zac.. cause i told her what happened. and she told me what she told him. i kept quiet.. now, my family is all asking me to give upp. should i listen to them? i know everyone meant well.. but, feelings are hard to say. i may be able to move on, but not now.
i find myself sucks. i sucks. KAT SUCKS. I ONLY KNOW HOW TO BRING MISERY TO EVERYONE'S LIFE. zac.. bevan.. i brought misery to their life. and i make them revolve around my life. what the fuck am i doing? KAT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NOW??? i'm confused. zac or bevan.. or neither of them? i don't know. how come things become like this? it's all my fault. solely my fault....
i guess i'm mad. i'm messing upp my life..
am i really happy now?
i'm mad.. i'm insane.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
i feel like i've made the wrong decision...
i ain't happy. i ain't happy at all. now, one thing i must say here before i could say out what has happened.. i patched with zac. and i told bevan yesterday. i didn't tell him directly through talking, not even on msn. i have no courage to tell him at all. because i mind a lot about how he think of me. i care a lot.
his reply yesterday was telling me that he lost trust and hope in me. and that i'm a disappointment inhis eyes. i was upset. very upset with what he told me. if only he has ask me to wait for him, then things wouldn't be like now. but he didn't. i understand that he has his reason for not asking me to wait. but if he had asked me to wait.. it would have been another story. i've waited for some time, for him to ask me to wait. but he didn't. yet he told me that he doesn't want me to miss him always. i'm going crazy.. after reading his reply.. i'm seriously going nuts. this is not what i wanted.. this is not. i don't want this. i seriously don't want this. but... the one i feared most happened now, right now. what am i to do? i feel lost.. i miss bevan.. his memories keep flashing back.. i feel hurt..
i know i'm like being unfaithful now, somehow. i'm with zac now and i'm missing bevan also. but zac is giving me a hard time now.. keep throwing me questions that has to do with bevan.. i hate it whenever he does that..things always turn out nasty whenever he ask me about bevan. i don't wanna talk so much about bevan in front of him.. but he don't seems to get it. i don't know when i will burst the ballon that i'm blowing within me again.
things are not going the way i hope it will.. i felt like i've made the wrong decision. help me please. what am i suppose to do?
his reply yesterday was telling me that he lost trust and hope in me. and that i'm a disappointment inhis eyes. i was upset. very upset with what he told me. if only he has ask me to wait for him, then things wouldn't be like now. but he didn't. i understand that he has his reason for not asking me to wait. but if he had asked me to wait.. it would have been another story. i've waited for some time, for him to ask me to wait. but he didn't. yet he told me that he doesn't want me to miss him always. i'm going crazy.. after reading his reply.. i'm seriously going nuts. this is not what i wanted.. this is not. i don't want this. i seriously don't want this. but... the one i feared most happened now, right now. what am i to do? i feel lost.. i miss bevan.. his memories keep flashing back.. i feel hurt..
i know i'm like being unfaithful now, somehow. i'm with zac now and i'm missing bevan also. but zac is giving me a hard time now.. keep throwing me questions that has to do with bevan.. i hate it whenever he does that..things always turn out nasty whenever he ask me about bevan. i don't wanna talk so much about bevan in front of him.. but he don't seems to get it. i don't know when i will burst the ballon that i'm blowing within me again.
things are not going the way i hope it will.. i felt like i've made the wrong decision. help me please. what am i suppose to do?
Sunday, March 4, 2007
did i make the right decision?
okays. first of all.. TOMORROW I'M OFF! hahas. damn tired. : hahas. lucky tomorrow off. but i can't sleep for the whole day also. need to go tanjong pagar to settle my permit thingy. : supposed to get it done on last week. but delayed it. =_= i'm lazy lahh. hahas. recently, i'm crazy over the song DON'T MATTER BY AKON. :) it's nice.
Konvict Konvict
Oh
Ohoohwooe
Oooh
Ooohhwooe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Nobody wanna see us together
nobody thought we'd last forever
I feel I'm hopin' and prayin'
things between us gon' get better
Men steady comin' after you
women steady comin' after me
Seem like everybody wanna go for self
and don't wanna respect boundaries
Tellin' you all those lies
just to get on your side
But I must admit there was a couple secrets
I held inside
But just know that I tried
to always apologize
And I'ma have you first always in my heart
to keep you satisfied
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Got every right to wanna leave
got every right to wanna go
got every right to hit the road
and never talk to me no more
you don't even have to call
even check for me at all
because the way I been actin' lately
has been off the wall
Especially toward you P
uttin' girls before you
and they watchin' everything
I been doin' just to hurt you
most of it just ain't you ain't true
and they won't show you
how much of a queen you are to me
and why I love you baby
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Oh oh oh oh oh
Cause I got you
cause I got you
Ooooh
cause I got you babe
cause I got you
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
well, nice song. next time i put it as my blog song kkays? just change my song.. don't wanna change so soon. :) anyway, i made a decision which i don't know if it's right. i don't really wish to blog down what is it. however.. i don't wish to tell him yet. i'm afraid he'll lose trust in me. i don't wanna lose his trust just like that. i don't want. but i hope if i ever take upp my courage and tell him, he will understand my feelings. and i know he will. just that right now, i don't have the courage to tell him yet. i hope, i wish, i could do it soon.
i'm feeling guilty.. very guilty. i don't know what should i do now. actually to work is one way for me to not think so much. and i hope it helped me in a way or so. working is another good way of forgetting. i hope i forget soon. i know it's not gonna be easy. but i have to. if not, not only i will feel terrible.. another person will feel terrible too. and it's gonna be hard.
+ i hope after YOU read this entry, YOU know what i'm trying to do now. if YOU don't understand, there's nothing more i could do to make things better. i'd give upp. +
i'm feeling stress. yes i am. and i've been trying hard to release stress. i thought by working and not having spare time to do anything else, i'd feel better. i doubt i'm right. i seems to be adding stress to myself even more. i expect myself to do everything extremely well during work. but i have one problem with me now. - my lateness. i don't know why, working at hougang, i tend to be late more often. i'm trying to not be late always. now, with the baby at my house, i feel even more like not leaving my house for work. i hope i won't be like this no more. -hope-
everyday when i'm on my way to work.. walking to the mrt station.. i think a lot. and i feel stress. think until i feel like crying sometimes. i don't know what i should do. i feel very vexed. i feel helpless. i feel lost. all along, i just hope for a life which i won't feel so much stress. but my life don't seems to flow with me. my life is opposing me. everything is just not right. the only comfort i have now is to see the smile from the baby when i wake upp in the morning and reach home at night. to carry him and talk to him. that's when i feel that little of comfort. but how long can this last? the baby is going back next week. he can't be here forever. i will miss playing with him when he's gone. i can't go on like this.. i know.. but i don't seems to be able to find a win-win solution to solve my problems. what am i to do?? help me.. i just wanna be a girl who need not think so much and to be happy always.. my smiles are gone.. again... someone, bring back my smiles please.. this time, not bevan. not him anymore. i have been wondering.. should i see him again? even after he return to singapore. now i got my answer. after i return him his chain. i guess i'm not seeing him anymore. i'm not severing ties with him or not gonna be-friend him. we'll still be friends. but i think things will be better off that way. i can't always depend on him when he's around and depend on someone else when he's away. not anymore. i'm not gonna do that anymore. anyway, i need to get out of my sadness soon. real soon...... i hate the way i am now. i seriously hate it. the life i have now, is not the life i'm expecting. i don't want this life.
ohh yarh, schedule is out for next week. but i can only remember a few days. the rest i will update again.
monday- OFF
tuesday- 5pm-closing (ECP)
wednesday - 12pm - closing (HOUGANG)
thursday - 1pm - 10pm (HOUGANG)
friday - claim PH.
saturday -3pm to closing (HOUGANG)
sunday - either 1pm/3pm - closing (HOUGANG)
WOW! surprisingly, i remember the schedule. =_= not confirm for saturday and sunday though. still have time to check de lahh. well, i've been spending a lot of time at hougang. well, i understand that they're short of staffs. so i don't mind going to help. but i miss east coast. i wanna go back to east coast. and marcus is gonna be away to clear away his hours this thursday onwards. and i think it's gonna be busy then. much busier than usual i guess. though sales may not be good or something. but short of one staff, the rest are bound to be more busy. yarh..
well, finally i'm not working on a FRIDAY! CAN GO FOR TRAINING! :) ohh yarh.. i saw sky at hougang mall today. he's with his ' girl-friend '. just the two of them only OKAY! =D then chat with him a while. i was doing closing then. about ten plus? yupps. then he left without even saying bye! how NICE of him. >.< anyway, it has been such a long time since i skated. LONG TIME okay! half a month i guess. everytime i wanna skate then it'll rain. so sad. the weather is against me. -pissed- hope it's gonna be good on the coming friday.
hmm, tomorrow off, maybe i should visit the band. :) yupps. feel like skating lehh.. but the weather is so unpredictable. : so sad. never mind. tomorrow i need to get my things done too. and i wanna spend my whole day with the adorable baby! so maybe after i get my things done, i'll visit the band a while then go home and spend the rest of my day with baby. and friday's PH. i should be spending it with my girls. going to sing with them i think. :) yupps. have been missing them plenty. i love you my girls. MSSK. :) i wanna watch the crocodile movie! i forgot the title. but the advertisment is good. so maybe i should go and watch when i'm free. it's out on the 8th. :) yupps.
*yawns* okays. i'm feeling tired. wanna play maple for while then go and sleep lerx. nights all. bye. update soon. :)
Konvict Konvict
Oh
Ohoohwooe
Oooh
Ooohhwooe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Nobody wanna see us together
nobody thought we'd last forever
I feel I'm hopin' and prayin'
things between us gon' get better
Men steady comin' after you
women steady comin' after me
Seem like everybody wanna go for self
and don't wanna respect boundaries
Tellin' you all those lies
just to get on your side
But I must admit there was a couple secrets
I held inside
But just know that I tried
to always apologize
And I'ma have you first always in my heart
to keep you satisfied
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Got every right to wanna leave
got every right to wanna go
got every right to hit the road
and never talk to me no more
you don't even have to call
even check for me at all
because the way I been actin' lately
has been off the wall
Especially toward you P
uttin' girls before you
and they watchin' everything
I been doin' just to hurt you
most of it just ain't you ain't true
and they won't show you
how much of a queen you are to me
and why I love you baby
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Oh oh oh oh oh
Cause I got you
cause I got you
Ooooh
cause I got you babe
cause I got you
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
we gon' fight
fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter no
Cause I got you
well, nice song. next time i put it as my blog song kkays? just change my song.. don't wanna change so soon. :) anyway, i made a decision which i don't know if it's right. i don't really wish to blog down what is it. however.. i don't wish to tell him yet. i'm afraid he'll lose trust in me. i don't wanna lose his trust just like that. i don't want. but i hope if i ever take upp my courage and tell him, he will understand my feelings. and i know he will. just that right now, i don't have the courage to tell him yet. i hope, i wish, i could do it soon.
i'm feeling guilty.. very guilty. i don't know what should i do now. actually to work is one way for me to not think so much. and i hope it helped me in a way or so. working is another good way of forgetting. i hope i forget soon. i know it's not gonna be easy. but i have to. if not, not only i will feel terrible.. another person will feel terrible too. and it's gonna be hard.
+ i hope after YOU read this entry, YOU know what i'm trying to do now. if YOU don't understand, there's nothing more i could do to make things better. i'd give upp. +
i'm feeling stress. yes i am. and i've been trying hard to release stress. i thought by working and not having spare time to do anything else, i'd feel better. i doubt i'm right. i seems to be adding stress to myself even more. i expect myself to do everything extremely well during work. but i have one problem with me now. - my lateness. i don't know why, working at hougang, i tend to be late more often. i'm trying to not be late always. now, with the baby at my house, i feel even more like not leaving my house for work. i hope i won't be like this no more. -hope-
everyday when i'm on my way to work.. walking to the mrt station.. i think a lot. and i feel stress. think until i feel like crying sometimes. i don't know what i should do. i feel very vexed. i feel helpless. i feel lost. all along, i just hope for a life which i won't feel so much stress. but my life don't seems to flow with me. my life is opposing me. everything is just not right. the only comfort i have now is to see the smile from the baby when i wake upp in the morning and reach home at night. to carry him and talk to him. that's when i feel that little of comfort. but how long can this last? the baby is going back next week. he can't be here forever. i will miss playing with him when he's gone. i can't go on like this.. i know.. but i don't seems to be able to find a win-win solution to solve my problems. what am i to do?? help me.. i just wanna be a girl who need not think so much and to be happy always.. my smiles are gone.. again... someone, bring back my smiles please.. this time, not bevan. not him anymore. i have been wondering.. should i see him again? even after he return to singapore. now i got my answer. after i return him his chain. i guess i'm not seeing him anymore. i'm not severing ties with him or not gonna be-friend him. we'll still be friends. but i think things will be better off that way. i can't always depend on him when he's around and depend on someone else when he's away. not anymore. i'm not gonna do that anymore. anyway, i need to get out of my sadness soon. real soon...... i hate the way i am now. i seriously hate it. the life i have now, is not the life i'm expecting. i don't want this life.
ohh yarh, schedule is out for next week. but i can only remember a few days. the rest i will update again.
monday- OFF
tuesday- 5pm-closing (ECP)
wednesday - 12pm - closing (HOUGANG)
thursday - 1pm - 10pm (HOUGANG)
friday - claim PH.
saturday -3pm to closing (HOUGANG)
sunday - either 1pm/3pm - closing (HOUGANG)
WOW! surprisingly, i remember the schedule. =_= not confirm for saturday and sunday though. still have time to check de lahh. well, i've been spending a lot of time at hougang. well, i understand that they're short of staffs. so i don't mind going to help. but i miss east coast. i wanna go back to east coast. and marcus is gonna be away to clear away his hours this thursday onwards. and i think it's gonna be busy then. much busier than usual i guess. though sales may not be good or something. but short of one staff, the rest are bound to be more busy. yarh..
well, finally i'm not working on a FRIDAY! CAN GO FOR TRAINING! :) ohh yarh.. i saw sky at hougang mall today. he's with his ' girl-friend '. just the two of them only OKAY! =D then chat with him a while. i was doing closing then. about ten plus? yupps. then he left without even saying bye! how NICE of him. >.< anyway, it has been such a long time since i skated. LONG TIME okay! half a month i guess. everytime i wanna skate then it'll rain. so sad. the weather is against me. -pissed- hope it's gonna be good on the coming friday.
hmm, tomorrow off, maybe i should visit the band. :) yupps. feel like skating lehh.. but the weather is so unpredictable. : so sad. never mind. tomorrow i need to get my things done too. and i wanna spend my whole day with the adorable baby! so maybe after i get my things done, i'll visit the band a while then go home and spend the rest of my day with baby. and friday's PH. i should be spending it with my girls. going to sing with them i think. :) yupps. have been missing them plenty. i love you my girls. MSSK. :) i wanna watch the crocodile movie! i forgot the title. but the advertisment is good. so maybe i should go and watch when i'm free. it's out on the 8th. :) yupps.
*yawns* okays. i'm feeling tired. wanna play maple for while then go and sleep lerx. nights all. bye. update soon. :)
Saturday, March 3, 2007
it has been really a long time.......
hellos all.. it really has been a LONG time since i last updated. almost a month. =_= hahas. yupps.
well.. a lot to say.. no time to write. has been working and working. like working 24 hours like tha. :) well.. ever since the first day of chinese new year, i have been working.. until sat? my off day.. and monday off day too. :) finally break. tired... but i enjoy this life now, no need to think so much.. just do my part when i'm working. i don't wanna think so much also. keep my mind off all loads. just wanna be some kind of free-from-thinking girl.. :) yupps.
bevan was back on the 16th's night. and he left on 18th's night. didn't get to see him.. it's okay.. doesn't matter i guess.. and even if we meet upp, i guess all i'm gonna do is just to return him the chain i took from him last time. the chain meant a lot to me once. but now that he insist he wants it back. it's time to let go. and he made it clear before we're gonna just be friends now. what morecould i do? keep brooding over him and make myself sad? he doesn't want me to be sad either.. i know. so i'm not gonna be sad. i may be troubled. but not gonna be sad. i may be stressed upp.. but not gonna be sad.. bevan, for you i stay strong. but remember, on the day you ask us to be friends.. we can only be friends. i know you're understanding.. i know you'll understand why i say this now. you want me to move on and not miss you always.. i'm doing it now. be glad and please, be proud of me kkays? :) really thank you for whatever you've done for me when we're together. i know you're true to me and i never doubt that. the time is short.. but you should know very well where you stand in me during that time. you were once special in my heart.. memories of you is sweet and lovely.. maybe it was just a beginning, that's why things is always smooth. but that's enough.. being part of my memories means you meant something. :) thank you for putting upp with me when i'm grumpy. thank you for spending time with me when i'm feeling lonely.. thank you for staying upp late to wait for me even though you're tired.. thank you for bringing me out to places i wanna go.. thank you for spending your sleeping hours chatting with me. thanks for everything, i mean, EVERYTHING. thank you. thanks for letting me feel that i'm really wanted and loved. thanks for everything. you're a great guy and i believe your dream will come true. :) remember the goal you want to achieve and you told me before? i believe you can achieve it. GOOD LUCK AND ALL THE BEST. BEE! buzz off kkays? hahas. take care boy. this may be the last dedication for you in my blog.. cause you're my memories. as usual, buzz buzz. =D i love to see that from your reply always. :) YOU'LL BE MISSED. i mean emotionally, not the other meaning you always thought it was okays!! :) take care boy!! *loves. =D
okays. done with this little dediction. now it's clear that me and bevan is gonna be just FRIENDS. so people, get this into your head. but i hope, no matter what i've decided next time on what i'm gonna do.. everybody will just give me their support and not to tell me ' i'm against it '. it hurts me more than changing my opinion. i hope bevan will do the same too. no matter what i do, he will still support me like the way he used to be. yupps. then only i will feel happier. i don't hope people to tell me ' i'm very disappointed with you. and it's not only me, but ALL your friends. ' please, i'm a human with deep feelings. and i'm a girl who can be easily affected by words.. especially from my friends. a true friend will NEVER say such hurtful sentence. no matter how unhappy you are with my decision. a true friend stand by you and help you with your decisions. not to reprimand you when you're feeling lost. YOU may be NICE to me ONCE. BUT what YOU said left a DEEP CUT in my HEART. and even until now when i think of it, it still HURTS A LOT. yes it hurts. and you NEVER know how much hurt you've given me. i THOUGHT you are my close friend BUT i'm TOTALLY WRONG. i was SO WRONG.
and i'm here to make it clear.. to everyone.. IF YOU THINK I MUST BE THE ONE TO SAY SORRY AND BE LIKE A FUCKING LOSER THEN I TELL YOU ' NO I'M NOT GONNA SAY SORRY. EVEN IF I'M SAYING, IT'S NEVER GONNA BE YOU ALL. I DONE NO WRONG TO YOU ALL. IF YOU ALL IS GONNA CONTINUE IGNORING ME, THEN FUCKING GO AHEAD.. I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A DAMN ABOUT FUCKING PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I DON'T OWE YOU A LIVING. I DON'T OWE YOU APOLOGY. I OWE YOU BASICALLY NOTHING. SO IF YOU THINK I'M OWING YOU. THEN GOODBYE CAUSE THERE'S ONLY TWO PERSON IN MY HEART I THINK I OWE SORRY TO. '
i think i'm losing control with my emotions. -cool down- okays. i have no mood to write lerx.. bye.
well.. a lot to say.. no time to write. has been working and working. like working 24 hours like tha. :) well.. ever since the first day of chinese new year, i have been working.. until sat? my off day.. and monday off day too. :) finally break. tired... but i enjoy this life now, no need to think so much.. just do my part when i'm working. i don't wanna think so much also. keep my mind off all loads. just wanna be some kind of free-from-thinking girl.. :) yupps.
bevan was back on the 16th's night. and he left on 18th's night. didn't get to see him.. it's okay.. doesn't matter i guess.. and even if we meet upp, i guess all i'm gonna do is just to return him the chain i took from him last time. the chain meant a lot to me once. but now that he insist he wants it back. it's time to let go. and he made it clear before we're gonna just be friends now. what morecould i do? keep brooding over him and make myself sad? he doesn't want me to be sad either.. i know. so i'm not gonna be sad. i may be troubled. but not gonna be sad. i may be stressed upp.. but not gonna be sad.. bevan, for you i stay strong. but remember, on the day you ask us to be friends.. we can only be friends. i know you're understanding.. i know you'll understand why i say this now. you want me to move on and not miss you always.. i'm doing it now. be glad and please, be proud of me kkays? :) really thank you for whatever you've done for me when we're together. i know you're true to me and i never doubt that. the time is short.. but you should know very well where you stand in me during that time. you were once special in my heart.. memories of you is sweet and lovely.. maybe it was just a beginning, that's why things is always smooth. but that's enough.. being part of my memories means you meant something. :) thank you for putting upp with me when i'm grumpy. thank you for spending time with me when i'm feeling lonely.. thank you for staying upp late to wait for me even though you're tired.. thank you for bringing me out to places i wanna go.. thank you for spending your sleeping hours chatting with me. thanks for everything, i mean, EVERYTHING. thank you. thanks for letting me feel that i'm really wanted and loved. thanks for everything. you're a great guy and i believe your dream will come true. :) remember the goal you want to achieve and you told me before? i believe you can achieve it. GOOD LUCK AND ALL THE BEST. BEE! buzz off kkays? hahas. take care boy. this may be the last dedication for you in my blog.. cause you're my memories. as usual, buzz buzz. =D i love to see that from your reply always. :) YOU'LL BE MISSED. i mean emotionally, not the other meaning you always thought it was okays!! :) take care boy!! *loves. =D
okays. done with this little dediction. now it's clear that me and bevan is gonna be just FRIENDS. so people, get this into your head. but i hope, no matter what i've decided next time on what i'm gonna do.. everybody will just give me their support and not to tell me ' i'm against it '. it hurts me more than changing my opinion. i hope bevan will do the same too. no matter what i do, he will still support me like the way he used to be. yupps. then only i will feel happier. i don't hope people to tell me ' i'm very disappointed with you. and it's not only me, but ALL your friends. ' please, i'm a human with deep feelings. and i'm a girl who can be easily affected by words.. especially from my friends. a true friend will NEVER say such hurtful sentence. no matter how unhappy you are with my decision. a true friend stand by you and help you with your decisions. not to reprimand you when you're feeling lost. YOU may be NICE to me ONCE. BUT what YOU said left a DEEP CUT in my HEART. and even until now when i think of it, it still HURTS A LOT. yes it hurts. and you NEVER know how much hurt you've given me. i THOUGHT you are my close friend BUT i'm TOTALLY WRONG. i was SO WRONG.
and i'm here to make it clear.. to everyone.. IF YOU THINK I MUST BE THE ONE TO SAY SORRY AND BE LIKE A FUCKING LOSER THEN I TELL YOU ' NO I'M NOT GONNA SAY SORRY. EVEN IF I'M SAYING, IT'S NEVER GONNA BE YOU ALL. I DONE NO WRONG TO YOU ALL. IF YOU ALL IS GONNA CONTINUE IGNORING ME, THEN FUCKING GO AHEAD.. I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A DAMN ABOUT FUCKING PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I DON'T OWE YOU A LIVING. I DON'T OWE YOU APOLOGY. I OWE YOU BASICALLY NOTHING. SO IF YOU THINK I'M OWING YOU. THEN GOODBYE CAUSE THERE'S ONLY TWO PERSON IN MY HEART I THINK I OWE SORRY TO. '
i think i'm losing control with my emotions. -cool down- okays. i have no mood to write lerx.. bye.
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