Trust. It's Everyone's Problem.

Is there any girls who doesn't have trust issues? 

i highly doubt there is. 

because even a girl like me do. 

well, maybe 10years ago, i won't but not now, not anymore, not in the future. 

having been cheated on, both emotionally and physically, there's no way i'm gonna NOT have trust issues. 

E set rules and regulations for me. to me, it's pretty normal. i can accept them but on one condition, which i've told him before. and that is whatever expectations that he set on me, he MUST be able to do them all in return. to me, being in a relationship it take two hands to clap. i seek for fairness in a relationship though i find it not exactly very fair for myself but still, when it comes to love, almost all girls are stupid and silly. 

people asked me, E set rules and regulations etc on me, why is it that i obey? or is it because he doesn't trust me? or he feels insecure? yes, i do obey. not because i'm a maid/slave/dog or whatever you think. i respect him as my boyfriend and i listen to him because i don't want him to get upset because i care about how he feels. no, he doesn't have trust issues with me because basically i tell him EVERYTHING, good or bad, happy or sad. i hide NOTHING from him. i'm completely transparent with him. and yes, maybe he feels insecure for the amount of guy friends i have around me in my entire life but to ease his securities, i've stopped contacting a lot of guy friends. it's common and i understand about jealousy etc etc so i do my part to not contact them or anyone whom he's probably uncomfortable with. have i not done my part? have i not been understanding and nice? 

people only know we argue/quarreled and probably the nasty sides of me. that's because i'm being who i am. whatever emotions i have, it's clearly stated on my face. what you see is what you get. i could fake a smile when i'm unhappy but not when i'm really angry. i use vulgarities to vent my anger and i think it's normal for anyone in this world who's angered. but that's not fine when it comes to E. 

i don't trust E. i really don't. i should be the one who's feeling very insecure, having all my doubts and throwing my temper etc etc. but a lot of times i choose not to say anything. so yes, bottling up everything doesn't help. things won't go away and i won't trust him more either. 

yes, very surprisingly, things are actually opposite from what people see. i'm the one who doesn't trust E and E is the one who set rules and etc. 

he didn't cheat on me, as far as i know. (even if he did maybe i don't know but don't let me find out) but he lied and hide things from me. knowing myself, and i did told him before to be completely honest with me no matter what issues are they. and he had to, he just had to go on doing things that will make me unhappy even though he KNOW they will. it's always better to be told the truth than to find out the truth. and sadly, i wasn't told the truth but finds out the truth myself, not once but many times. so being a normal girl, does anyone of you feels it's wrong when i keep doubting? truths that were supposed to be told, to be honest with yet i wasn't.

with all the things that i found out, i can't even trust his friends. not all but certain people around him. i hate the thoughts of him being around with those people who cheats. if he's not my boyfriend, i won't have this issue but i'm sorry he is. unless he decide to break up with me and find a new girlfriend if not this is gonna remain. i don't even trust him much less to mention to trust him when it comes to meeting people who are like this. finding out truth is bad enough. i cannot imagine what he will become under the influence of all these cheaters. 

imagine in the past, i allow guys trip for him but now, i don't even trust him to go anywhere with anybody other than his family. can anyone imagine the impact he left on me? i have never felt so lousy about myself before. but this is the amount of trust i have on him. he lost them all. i'm not unreasonable. there are things that happened between us that i do not say and those are the things that created the impact on me which result to my reactions now. i always tell him 'with an action, there's a reaction so if you can't handle my reaction, think twice about your actions before you do it' and i suppose he never do. 

how do you trust one person when you are trying so hard to make yourself trust again yet the next thing you know is, you find out another truth? to me it's like " finally this roller coaster ride is coming to an end then suddenly it speed up all the way to the highest peak and i experience another free fall. " how do you keep having faith and believe one person when they keep doing this on a repeat. even the strongest girl in this world will not be able to take it.

no doubt before i'm with E, i was in a shit relationship for years. i got cheated on and lied to in every ways you can think of. but to be with E, i trusted him at first. i really do. but he breached them too much that somehow i'm finding it hard to get back on my feet again. it doesn't mean that having gone through shit in the past means i could go through another shit. i don't want to lead the life that i used to have when i was with a shit hole. i don't want to be who i was back then. there was a reason why i left him finally and i don't want to go back to the reason why i didn't left him. 

and now, when i doubt, i'm blamed for not being understanding. hur. this is a joke, seriously. everything seems to be a joke. this relationship seems to be a joke too. 

somehow E made me realised, i was never as important as he is to me. 

he doesn't care about how i feel when he do things. and those are the obvious things that if he do, i'll be unhappy and he knows it. 

i don't understand why. 

there are so many times i can't help but to question myself how much is this love worth in my eyes? is it so worthy for me to lose myself to this relationship? or rather, losing myself to someone who doesn't give a shit about how i feel no matter how many times i fight with him about it. 

leopard never change its spots, so true. 

now tell me, what have i done to deserve all these?