Dear Diary..

E talked to me today.. 

I mean he talks to me everyday but he talks more today. 

I guess he could feel that I'm upset.. 

He told me he want to see me and want to cuddle with me in bed tonight. 

And he told me he will eat the cake that I baked last night. 

Everything seems to be a nightmare the past two weeks. 

Am I waking up soon? 

I don't know, but I feel that everything is just temporary. 

I don't like this. 

Really don't like.. ): 

The changes in me and the future for us.

Will there be a day that you give me all your time? 

I don't like it when I feel like I'm being left alone. 

I dread going to work nowadays because that's the place I feel so ever alone. 

Know you're online and you're not talking/replying to me. 

I never like that feeling. 

I feel like I'm back to the me who was with Z. 

The me who care too much, worry too much and think too much.

I've been feeling too down lately. 

Feeling too upset. 

Half the time my eyes are watery and warm.

The other half of the time they're tired and swollen. 

I'm feeling tired, mentally and physically. 

Losing the attention and time I used to have and I don't like it. 

E suggested to stay together so that at least we have the night for each other since during the day time he's so busy with work. I don't know why but part of me is reluctant to do that. I guess I'm affected with the fact that he used to keep telling me that I'm living off him at his place made me not want to go to his house to stay. I told him to stay at mine instead and he asked why. I told him because of what he said last time and he laughed it off. Is it that funny? I don't think it is. 

Queen knows about me not wanting to go to his house to stay and she's being understanding to let him stayover now. He wasn't allowed to stayover at my place last time when my family is at home cause Queen said Stepdad would mind. But after all that happened, she gave the green light. 

Queen told me to take turns to stay at each other's place. I shook my head. She asked why and I said I don't want. Something's amiss and she sensed that. She didn't questioned but she just said '一定是有什么事，不然你不可能这样。看你那死样子，以前都不会这样!' Yeah, she knows me best. I just don't like to be told I'm living off someone. 

Had a talk with Sharon early today.. 

All about money..

Talking about our degree course, houses next time, the renovation fees, furniture, wedding, wedding photoshoots etc etc. Just thinking about it, the amount is huge enough.. 

Then I realised, I'm not that young anymore.. 

And I realised, I'm ready to settle down now. 

Subconsciously, I've somehow prepared myself for the future, just that I'm unsure of myself last time. 

Being quite a family-oriented person, I know it myself that I can't never live being alone without my family. And me being me, I've somehow considered E as part of my family since don't know when. 

Sharon and I both know that we have a dream to have our own cosy home. 

We both know what we want and we know how we should do things to make it happen. 

My days of playing is over and now it's time for my future.

I've played enough and now it's time to build my future. 

It's time to take note of BTOs, Wedding Packages, Wedding banquet, Honeymoon places etc etc. 

This is a phase in life. 

And I'm at the stage whereby everything, everybody around me is settling down. 

And it affects me. 

I'm no longer 18,19. 

I need a brighter future for my future. 

Not staying stagnant and doing nothing big enough to let me shine. 

Money cannot buy everything but money can fulfill your dreams. 

And I only know, without money, life's worse than being dead. 

Goodbye nightlife.

Goodbye playing time.

Goodbye luxuries.

We will meet next life. 

:)

Holiday!

11 more days to Phuket and I was just so looking forward to that earlier on.. 

I was very happy cause this is the first overseas trip that E is going together with my family, don't count going to Malaysia, that's like going back home for me. 

A really mixed feeling in me. I don't know what can I do or rather how should I do it. 

I feel neglected, very neglected. 

Everyday I'm like talking to myself. 

MSN takes forever to reply. 

Why is it that I feel like I'm no different from being alone? 

I hate this feeling.. 

You're tired, so am I.

Can't believe after everything that you've said and done to hurt me, I would still want you. 

Never thought I'd love another like this but I still did. 

Finally after almost 3years, I took up the courage to love like there's no tomorrow again..

But this love is hurting me. 

This love made me stop believing.

This love made me lose faith.

This love made me lose myself.

This love has taken its toll on me. 

I'm tired trying to put on a smile in front of you. 

I'm tired trying to be so independent.

I'm tired only having myself to be with everyday.

I'm tired of you telling me you're busy and you have no time.

I'm tired of you keep telling me you're tired, especially when we're on the phone.

I'm tired of me having to be the thick-skinned one to always ask for things. 

I'm tired trying to keep up with who you want me to be.

I'm trying.. Trying to love you right, giving you the attention and love you want. 

I've been trying to be very understanding and patience about your work and the life you want. 

Stop making me lose what I have for you, will you?

It's tiring trying to keep what I have now when all you do is making me doubt.

I just want a love that I can put all my trust into without having to worry or doubt anything. 

I don't want to compare but no, you're not the one I trusted the most among all my boyfriends. 

I'm trying to make you the one so please, don't make me lose anymore faith.

Lastly, I'm tired of crying. 

Really.

If this is what you meant.

If doing whatever you did was just for you to get back at me in the future, I rather I had nothing from you.

The amount of attention and time you're giving me, is worse than what a friend could give.

You asked me what have I given you in return for whatever you've done. I give up my friends. All my guy friends. I gave up my life. I gave up my time. I gave up everything that I once held so dearly to.

What have you given up?

V&W? What are they compared to my whole group of guys friends who are there to make smile when you make me cry? Who are they compared to the nightlife that I used to had?

You ask me not to expect too much from you just cause I ask you to cook a meal for me. You asked me to cook for you when I was having my time of the month and all I did was okay and I bear with the cramps just to make you dinner.

Everything I do or say, you keep thinking its fine doing it for you. But you never think its not fine when you're not doing it for me.

I get your message.

You're busy.

You don't wanna be disturb.

You're gonna concentrate on your career. (& I hate this sentence so fucking much cause this was the reason Z gave me when he asked for breakup.)

You have no time.

You're tired.

You won't do anything for me without anything in return.

If that's the case, I'll stop doing whatever I've been having in mind.

I'll stop making more plans with you.

I'll stop doing things for you.

I'll stop having you as a priority.

Because after all, I'm just still an option.

You never really think about how I will feel. To think I was still feeling guilty about how I treated you. I think maybe I had done things the right way all along.

My mind need to be less stubborn.

I'm in love. But this love is hurting.

Just like the one before.

You selfish idiots.

I'm taking back my love.

My V-Day 2012.

The private room! :)

He caught me off guard with this arrangement! :)

Front of the deck. :)

The background are all the vessels! :) 

Thank you! :)

This is the ship we went on. :)

<3

Favourite! :D

This year's V-day was exceptionally sweet. :) 

This year's V-day was probably the best I ever had in my entire life. 

It was the first time I: 

• Had candlelight dinner and it's in a private room.
• Had a dinner on a ship.
• Had a complete surprise from E cause usually before he say/do it, I would knew somehow. -.- 
• Ever felt so loved and pampered. (It has been a LONG TIME since I felt this way.)
• Felt like I was someone special and important to E.

I think every girl just wanna feel special to someone they love. Me too, I wanna feel special. I lost that feeling from E back like Dec 2010 after I found out something. I completely felt like I was just another spare tyre and was just a substitute. Because after knowing how I felt, E never once tried to make me feel different. Yeah, I didn't love like how I used to love him because of this. I lost my passion for everything.

Recently, something major happened and it took a turn in this love we share and I would say I made the right choice doing that despite not caring about the consequences. Because only then, we realize what we are lacked of and how we want to make things better. We're all good now, just that we bicker like normal couples do. :) 

Friends asked me 'How come he never propose to you on that day uh? He already do so much! ' Haha. I don't know and I asked him just a few days ago. I mean, I don't normally ask him things like that in the past. I don't even share with him how I really feels about the relationship. So actually I'm glad that things are better now. And anyway, I asked him what my friends asked me. LOL and he said '妈的！' cause I said '  it's okay uh.. that means i will have another good meal coming my way!  ' hahahaha >.< Well, if you ask me if I would say 'Yes' to him that day, the chances is super high because he has never done anything like this before, what's more was given those kind of environment.. It's hard to say no... :\ 

I would say I'm really in love now. I would say I'm finally in love now. Because I feel like I'm someone special, someone important. But at the same time, I realised I'm changing. I started to demand for more attention from him. I started demanding for hugs (BECAUSE I LOVE HUGS) and I do things like I never did before.. It feels different from the past. I would say communication was our obstacle all along and we finally worked that out. In fact, I guess I'm happier now. :) 

The night ended with E sending me home at 11:15pm, IT WAS RARE because he stop doing that after we were together but I demanded him to send me home that night. -.- *Yeah I know right, everything also must demand now. If not I get nothing at all.* 

So yes! This year's V-day was a really happy, good, special and memorable one for me! 

Thank you E for everything. :)

I LOVE YOU!

Short Update. *Photos*

My Primary School Friend! :)

Viv's Birthday!

My new friend Sheryl! :)

I cut bangs!

Happy Birthday Mona! :D

February has been really sweet! :)
Made new friends and I had a good time reconnecting with old friends.

More girlfriends to come.
And oh, next up is my Vday post! :)

I'm Scared..

Scared that I can't pull myself up.
I seems to have fallen deepen and I don't seems to even know how deep this is gonna be.
I'm scared.. of losing.

Starting to feel lost cause I don't know what I'm gonna do.

POM exam on Saturday, I need to study.

加油！！

V&W.

V&W, really never expected you two to be doing things like this.
It was such a disappointment.

Worse is you two think you both never do anything wrong? Yeah, your childish acts are to be paid for. Seriously, a 30 year old and a 27 year old doing acts of a teenager? Very funny.

I'm no pushover and you both have no rights to judge or make any comments. This is for fact that I know.

I've been trying to convince myself to let the matter rest but each time I think about what happened and how hurtful those words etc were to me, I can't. I'll be a fake ass if I were to accept you all now. I need time.

But honestly, secretly, I hope you two fall out and may the worst befall on you both.
Thinking of what you all has said/done disgust me.

I still remember the day V approach me and tell me how W secretly contact her guy colleague and how he told her to make a choice etc etc and I was being there listening to him and consoling him. But this is what I got for being nice. Screw you both. Hope W cheats on you and you break up with her.

Morons.

February.

Ended my January while celebrating Jas's birthday with TeamKukup! :)

Officially declare broke.

After moviee. :)

Advance birthday present for myself!

ECP with Lyn.

I'm loving my new camera! :)

Shawny!

2012 has not been very nice. ):
But it's still not the worst yet.
I hope things will get better slowly cause I went to pray and was told things will turn out fine.
But please just don't let me suffer from emotions. ):

Reconnect wit people from the past and I don't think that's a really good idea.
But all in all, I hope the rest of my days will be better! :)
XOX