two person, as one.

being together means two person.
and the decision that you made to be with each other set not only a commitment level but also to care for one another.

to care about how each other feels.
to care about what each other needs.
to care about what each other wants.

it's you and I. and that makes us and we.
I've never stopped thinking about us, about we. but have you ever?
or now that I stop thinking about us, about we, then you start thinking about us, about we?

what are we exactly in your eyes?
what is 'us' exactly in your eyes?

what am I exactly to you, in your eyes?

the day I decided to make you part of my life, I've never stop picturing you in any parts of it. this is what you are in my eyes.

but to me, I don't feel myself being in any parts of your life.
you make me feel like I'm only in your picture because you feels it's empty.
I was never as important as you are to me.

so.. end of the day, I'm just wasting my time again.

why am I back to the days where I cry to sleep and cry when I wake up?

mentally exhausted.

shut off.

disabling all kinds of contact until tomorrow.
I need time of my own to think.
goodbye.

and so my friend said,

‘好好的想想看，如果真的不适合就快点分开’

True enough. 

Ending it might be the best for him since he only want to do things his ways. 

i'm pretty much done going things his ways and all he do was making me go his ways. 

having to do what he wants me to do all the time is draining me out. 

i'm tired.

and i don't feel like doing anything anymore. 

i've lost that special feeling he gave me on V day. 

since he's not going care about how i will feel, i'm gonna only care about my own feelings now.

i've not really spoken to him these few days but i guess that's fine with him too since he's not doing anything about it as well. 

i'm done having to always think about how he will feel.

warnings, i've given them but never at once he took my words seriously. 

i'm really tired trying so hard to make things work now when he's not even trying at all. 

i have my pride and ego too but i forsake them for him and i know he's not gonna do anything like this. 

no need to look too far, just by looking back in january and february, things changed way too much. 

i don't want to always be the one having being told to make changes. 

i'm who i am, i don't want to lose myself like my friends doesn't want me to lose myself. 

giving me all sorts of excuses and changing topics all the time doesn't help to make things better, i hope you understand this long ago but you never do. brushing things off won't make me feel any better but worse. 

i'm done listening to all your cock and bull excuses.

think about it, mr kuek.

Trust. It's Everyone's Problem.

Is there any girls who doesn't have trust issues? 

i highly doubt there is. 

because even a girl like me do. 

well, maybe 10years ago, i won't but not now, not anymore, not in the future. 

having been cheated on, both emotionally and physically, there's no way i'm gonna NOT have trust issues. 

E set rules and regulations for me. to me, it's pretty normal. i can accept them but on one condition, which i've told him before. and that is whatever expectations that he set on me, he MUST be able to do them all in return. to me, being in a relationship it take two hands to clap. i seek for fairness in a relationship though i find it not exactly very fair for myself but still, when it comes to love, almost all girls are stupid and silly. 

people asked me, E set rules and regulations etc on me, why is it that i obey? or is it because he doesn't trust me? or he feels insecure? yes, i do obey. not because i'm a maid/slave/dog or whatever you think. i respect him as my boyfriend and i listen to him because i don't want him to get upset because i care about how he feels. no, he doesn't have trust issues with me because basically i tell him EVERYTHING, good or bad, happy or sad. i hide NOTHING from him. i'm completely transparent with him. and yes, maybe he feels insecure for the amount of guy friends i have around me in my entire life but to ease his securities, i've stopped contacting a lot of guy friends. it's common and i understand about jealousy etc etc so i do my part to not contact them or anyone whom he's probably uncomfortable with. have i not done my part? have i not been understanding and nice? 

people only know we argue/quarreled and probably the nasty sides of me. that's because i'm being who i am. whatever emotions i have, it's clearly stated on my face. what you see is what you get. i could fake a smile when i'm unhappy but not when i'm really angry. i use vulgarities to vent my anger and i think it's normal for anyone in this world who's angered. but that's not fine when it comes to E. 

i don't trust E. i really don't. i should be the one who's feeling very insecure, having all my doubts and throwing my temper etc etc. but a lot of times i choose not to say anything. so yes, bottling up everything doesn't help. things won't go away and i won't trust him more either. 

yes, very surprisingly, things are actually opposite from what people see. i'm the one who doesn't trust E and E is the one who set rules and etc. 

he didn't cheat on me, as far as i know. (even if he did maybe i don't know but don't let me find out) but he lied and hide things from me. knowing myself, and i did told him before to be completely honest with me no matter what issues are they. and he had to, he just had to go on doing things that will make me unhappy even though he KNOW they will. it's always better to be told the truth than to find out the truth. and sadly, i wasn't told the truth but finds out the truth myself, not once but many times. so being a normal girl, does anyone of you feels it's wrong when i keep doubting? truths that were supposed to be told, to be honest with yet i wasn't.

with all the things that i found out, i can't even trust his friends. not all but certain people around him. i hate the thoughts of him being around with those people who cheats. if he's not my boyfriend, i won't have this issue but i'm sorry he is. unless he decide to break up with me and find a new girlfriend if not this is gonna remain. i don't even trust him much less to mention to trust him when it comes to meeting people who are like this. finding out truth is bad enough. i cannot imagine what he will become under the influence of all these cheaters. 

imagine in the past, i allow guys trip for him but now, i don't even trust him to go anywhere with anybody other than his family. can anyone imagine the impact he left on me? i have never felt so lousy about myself before. but this is the amount of trust i have on him. he lost them all. i'm not unreasonable. there are things that happened between us that i do not say and those are the things that created the impact on me which result to my reactions now. i always tell him 'with an action, there's a reaction so if you can't handle my reaction, think twice about your actions before you do it' and i suppose he never do. 

how do you trust one person when you are trying so hard to make yourself trust again yet the next thing you know is, you find out another truth? to me it's like " finally this roller coaster ride is coming to an end then suddenly it speed up all the way to the highest peak and i experience another free fall. " how do you keep having faith and believe one person when they keep doing this on a repeat. even the strongest girl in this world will not be able to take it.

no doubt before i'm with E, i was in a shit relationship for years. i got cheated on and lied to in every ways you can think of. but to be with E, i trusted him at first. i really do. but he breached them too much that somehow i'm finding it hard to get back on my feet again. it doesn't mean that having gone through shit in the past means i could go through another shit. i don't want to lead the life that i used to have when i was with a shit hole. i don't want to be who i was back then. there was a reason why i left him finally and i don't want to go back to the reason why i didn't left him. 

and now, when i doubt, i'm blamed for not being understanding. hur. this is a joke, seriously. everything seems to be a joke. this relationship seems to be a joke too. 

somehow E made me realised, i was never as important as he is to me. 

he doesn't care about how i feel when he do things. and those are the obvious things that if he do, i'll be unhappy and he knows it. 

i don't understand why. 

there are so many times i can't help but to question myself how much is this love worth in my eyes? is it so worthy for me to lose myself to this relationship? or rather, losing myself to someone who doesn't give a shit about how i feel no matter how many times i fight with him about it. 

leopard never change its spots, so true. 

now tell me, what have i done to deserve all these?

Moody.

feeling the pms already.
i want to kill anyone who annoys me.
including E.

Unreasonable.

What will you do if you have to face someone who's unreasonable, biased, judgmental, prejudiced and full of themselves?

it's definitely not my first time facing a person like this but somehow or rather, an inner voice is telling me 'that's it, you should just do something about it.' because in the past i always tend to tell myself, 'it's okay, days like this will pass by very fast.' indeed, it pass so fast that sometimes i feel like i couldn't even recognise myself anymore. 

feeling tired. i want a long break. 

don't bother about anything else and just go on a long break. 

sometimes telling E stuffs like this, won't be able to make myself feel better. 

he doesn't know how to console people much less when it comes to making someone feel better. 

i don't know how to teach him because i think it's not really something you can teach. 

probably you need to know that person well enough to know how to do it. 

i guess E just doesn't know me that well though he always claims to know me the best. 

maybe i should just learn to keep everything to myself. 

Think Of Something To Be Thankful For #7.

There are so many things that I'm thankful for, really. 

So many that I don't know how should I start naming them. 

Okay, I've not been updating on my thankful post cause I was away over the weekend and was very sick last week. Coughing non-stop and didn't get better until I change my medication.

So, let me begin some of my thankful posts. 

I said I would write at least one a day so I hope this few thankful posts helped to cover the past few days. :) Hehe. 

Well, I update on Twitter(@d0lphiin)  and Instagram(@d0lphiin) more often now. :) 

Here comes..

1. I'm thankful having E with me all these while, be it good or bad, happy or sad, excited or disappointed. I'm thankful to be spending every moment with him. :) 
2. I'm thankful for having a bunch of friends who are always there, no matter how long have we not been in contact.
3. I'm thankful for E being thankful for having me for the first time last week when he texted me at 3:22am in the middle of the night when I was asleep already. :) 
4. I'm thankful for the doctor changing my medication and making me feel much better from my sickness. 
5. I'm thankful for Baby J accompanying me to the clinic last week when I was really ill. I feel so much better to be seeing her smiling and talking to me. :) 
6. I'm thankful for falling sick this time cause I finally get to rest properly with all the drowsy medications. :)
7. I'm thankful for the Kukup trip over the weekend cause it take my mind off a little. :)
8. I'm thankful for the heart to heart chat with C during the trip. Somehow the conversation got me thinking, about me, my life and my love. 
9. I'm thankful for my skin condition showing improvement! :)
10. I'm thankful for E putting aside his work/emails just to talk to me for a while before I go to bed last night. :)

Okay, I'm thankful for everything that I'm thankful for.

I woke up this morning feeling really blessed.

Blessed for the amount of friends I have who really cares for me.

Blessed for all the good things that happened in my life.

Blessed for having such an imperfect perfect family.

Blessed for my imperfect, perfect Boyfriend. 

Feel so blessed that I couldn't resist myself texting my boyfriend and telling him that I love him. 

Yeah, I'm totally random and unpredictable. 

But I'm happy being like this. 

Indeed, setting different level of expectations for different people helped to make me happier. 

There are people who's just gonna keep failing you even though they keep preaching to be successful or doing better. 

I've learnt not to even bother what people is doing to their life anymore. 

Selfish I may seems to be, it's not I don't care, I just learnt to care lesser. 

In life, we shouldn't be comparing ourselves with anyone else other than our old self. 

Tough to learn because people judge. 

I will be me anyway. :) 

I'm getting happier everyday.

I have so many things to be thankful for! :)

Think Of Something To Be Thankful For #6.

1. I'm thankful that Baby J is still in Singapore cause she made me smile from ear to ear. :)
2. I'm thankful for the cooling weather cause I could sleep well without perspiring at night.
3.  I'm thankful for all my medicines cause they helped to make me sleep better too though i'm getting any better but worse. :\ 

Think Of Something To Be Thankful For #5.

1. I'm thankful for falling sick cause E showered me with a little bit more attention.
2. I'm thankful for having Baby J here cause E will spend more time with us rather than his game.
3. I'm thankful for E spending the whole day with me, doing nothing.