Needs.

just when things go so wrong now and i'm all unhappy and is in need of so much hugs, you are in camp. 

just when all i needed was you to be here with me, hugging me and comforting me, you are in camp. 

just when i needed you to be spending more time talking to me, you're in camp playing monopoly deal or doing whatever you need to do. 

seriously, at times i feel it's better not to be in a relationship so that i won't start relying and when i don't get what i need, i won't feel so down. 

I'm hating this. 

really. 

fuck all this.

You Made Life Beautiful, Somehow.

Isn't it cute??? :) 

Le Boyfriend is in camp now having reservist. 

Meaning, no time to talk to me or giving me sufficient attention that I need. 

Meaning, it's time for my thoughts to start running wild. 

I don't know.
Maybe because of what I've heard in the past that happened in camps etc.
I don't even trust that camp is the safest place that a guy won't cheat cause supposedly, all guys. -.- No, it's NOT ALL GUYS. I've heard of ugly stories about camps. Seriously.
And I don't trust. Not any of them, with or without ranks etc.
If even an MP can make mistakes, what makes a man with just a rank in army not?
Bullshit.
Yes, it takes hell a lot to make me trust, no doubt.
I can make a perfect picture into something smashed and ruined.

But still, I'm asking myself not to think so much.

Honestly, I couldn't really fell asleep the night before E book in.
Lying down in his arms, listening to him breathing but my mind refuse to shut.
I'm tired, but I just can't sleep.
I've been tossing and turning for an hour, unknowingly, before I eventually finally gave up and forced myself to sleep.
The whole time my mind is wondering..

'what will happen in the next 5 days when he's in camp?' 
'what will he be doing in camp or when he's out of camp to go somewhere?'
'what will his conversations be with his campmates?' 
'what is he gonna do during his free time since he's always gonna be free?' 

Somehow.. it's like there's an inner voice in me, telling me things that are so negatively.

'in the next 5 days he will not give a fuck about you.'
'he will be busy talking to his campmates and maybe any other female officers in the camp or when he's out of camp he's probably busy trying to know some new girls.'
'he and his campmates will all be busy talking/discussing about some new girls they get to come across or maybe the female officers in camp.'
'he's gonna walk around camp maybe checking out any other female officers or like maybe  talking to his campmates exchanging ideas on how to hook up girls.'

Yes, not healthy I know.
But it's not something I can control when my past experience was a hell lot of shit.
Unfair to E, I know.
But if life was ever fair, I wouldn't deserve what I got back then.
So tell me, fairness?
Bullshit.
Much less to mention when E did in a way made me lose faith and trust in him.

I'm trying hard not to be reminded of what happened but somehow I guess I just can't.
I'm not the kind who would live my life based on pretentious.
I know, everybody is.
But I'm just not the kind who would live my life like this.
At the very least, not when I'm with my family and partner.
They are the ones whom I should be the real me when I'm with them.

I'm tired, mentally and physically.
Lacked of proper rest and I'm falling sick again.
You know, sometimes I think, maybe life would be much easier and happier but lonelier without E.
But then again, I asked myself, what would life be with E? 

And then I realised...

I've loved him that much and cannot imagine my life without him. 

Maybe if I had done so one and a half years ago, I would be able to. But I didn't.

And now, I couldn't. 

I guess I've been building my world based on his existence.

I've already gotten used to him being part of my plans and everything.

I tried imagining him being out of my plans etc, everything just don't seems right. 

Yes, stupidly I'm totally in love with this guy. Good or bad, I'm in love with him. 

I broke my own rule for myself. 

Which is not to love a guy wholeheartedly.

But I guess that's me when it comes to love. 

I cannot not love wholeheartedly. 

Now that I'm in it, I couldn't get out of it. 

Like my Queen once said and I think it's totally true.

"爱情永远会是你的死穴，因为你太感情用事!"

Oh well.

Sucks to be me. 

But that's okay, because I'm loving my life like this.

At least it makes me feel like I'm alive! :)

I've gotten used to his hugs.

I've gotten used to his kisses.

I've gotten used to his hands interlocking mine.

I've gotten used to his smiles.

I've gotten used to his laughter.

I've gotten used to his sleeping patterns.

I've gotten used to his breathing pace.

I've gotten used to his everything.

And I guess, it's gonna take a long while if I want to NOT get used to his everything. 

I tried, I really tried.
Tried to live my life without him but it only make me realise..

That I'm loving him more than before.

No, my mind still wonders a lot about what he will do when he's not with me.
But I'm sure I'm not the only girl who will feel like this.
The insecurities that past experiences had engraved, is after all not that easy to forget.
Never easy to make changes but I know I will try regardless.

But I hope my mind will just stop wondering tonight.
I really need those good sleep.

Need To Spend More Time INDOOR.

Finally E brought me to eat this!!! :)
Next time should ask V to go with us! :)

On the way to meet Queen for dinner at Bishan from E's place.

Leaving E at home with his D3 and I went out to meet my friends! :)

Belated birthday present from K Darling. :)
Continuation from the Dior palette she gave me!

My Baby #2!
Always accompany me watching drama and sleeping cause E is busy with his D3!
So happy looking at it cause it's like smiling at me all the time!! :)

Spend my last weekend with E. :) 

It's not anything like going out or whatsoever. 

We were just staying home most of the time. 

Other than meeting up with my Queen for her advanced birthday dinner at Bishan on Saturday and we both went out at different timing on Sunday. 

He went for soccer with his boys in the afternoon and I went out with my friends in the evening. 

Other than times like these, we were both at home, he's playing with his Diablo 3 and I'm watching my drama on my laptop, together with my baby dolphin of course. :) 

E woke me up at about 11:30am on Saturday just so we could eat beef noodles at Lorong 7! :) HEHE. 

E queued for like 30mins with less than 10 people ahead of him! Omg! Super long queue! But the food was worth the wait! :) It was really good that I finished everything other than the spring onions which I picked out. >.< 

After our brunch, we took a slow walk back home and was talking and making fun of each other, as usual.

I like days like this actually. 

Doing nothing, holding each other's hand, taking slow walks and having small talks. 

Every little things that he might not deem as important seemingly is relatively important to me and is affecting my life. :)

Lazing around and sleeping has always been my forte but not for E. 

Asking him to sleep a little more is like gonna kill him. -.- Unless he's sick. Haha.

But well, I didn't fall back to sleep after returning home from such a good meal but instead I on my laptop and watch drama! :) Hehe! 

Watch until it's about time and I went to get ready to go out and meet my Queen.

Met her at Bishan and she was doing some shopping. 

So Ding Tai Feng was long queue and like almost every other restaurants have to be wait to be seated so we ended up eating at Foodcourt, pepper lunch express. LOL 

Well, we enjoyed it, that matters. :)

After that we went to The Icing Room and bought a small cake which we could decorate ourselves! :) Hehe. 

Queen went home after decorating the cake, in a super hurry way cause I think she's afraid that the cake will melt or something! Super fast! -.- 

E and I took a bus back home. Alighted near Lorong 8 market so we went there to buy some food just in case he's hungry later and I bought a beancurd! >.< 

We walk back home slowly though E was grumbling about having headache and why not just take bus. -.-

Haha. I like having slow walks but he's always walking so fast! >:( 

Back home and it's back to my drama again after showering!

Slept pretty early cause E had soccer the next day.

Nowadays my body clock seems to have adjusted to E's timing. -.- 

Normally I'm always the pig, sleeping until late noon before I finally get up and laze on the bed and then finally wash up. But I woke up the same time as E on Sunday!!! 

After E left home for soccer, I packed his room, clean the tables and packed my stuffs before I eventually settle down and start watching my drama again. Hahaha. 

He came back at about 2:30pm and after he shower etc he bugged me to cook him maggie mee. -.- 

So after cooking for him and I watched my drama until about 3:45pm and I went to prepare to go out. 

Met my friends at about 5:15pm and we were bumming around at PS before heading elsewhere. HAHA. 

Calling it a day at about 10pm. 

E was so sweet cause I never liked walking pass his house's coffeeshop at night alone so I texted him asked him what was he doing and asked if he could wait for me at the bus stop cause I don't wanna walk home alone! 

And he said okay! Hahaha! 

It's the first time he picked me up from the bus stop at night! 

He don't do that in the past! 

So I was super happy to see him at the bus stop last night! ^.^ 

Okay, I'm easily contented in some ways. -.- 

Well, obviously I hope this kind of things will last until the day I die la. 

Who want things to be temporary? -.- 

I mean, I don't need him to give me the world. 

I just want him to make me his world. 

Well, things are so far so good. 

And I hope things just stay like this. 

Maybe he should really learn to observe what really makes me happy.

And not just try to know me like I'm textbook. 

Read, memorize and you score full marks. 

That's not me. 

I always say he's not observant and sensitive. 

What I'm referring to is not about observing the obvious and being sensitive towards the necessary. 

He doesn't seems to observe what are the little things he do effortlessly that will make me smile from ear to ear. Eg: Picking me up from the bus stop or a kiss on my forehead randomly.

He doesn't seems to be sensitive enough towards what I really feel. Eg: He doesn't realise walking too fast is just not my thing even though I always try to keep up, literally. But I'm tired, I'm panting and I don't like it. 

Well, I guess he's learning and he's realising, slowly. 

I'm happy that he's doing all these little gestures because all these will only happen because he really cares. So yes, it showed me how much he care for me, indeed. :) 

Slept early last night cause E had to book in for reservist this morning. ):

He's gonna be in camp this whole week!

It's okay, I'm gonna see him this weekend! :)

Need to adjust my June schedule.
And most likely it's gonna be;
Weekday = Home after work.
Weekend = Boyfriend days. :)

Society Turn Me Into A Different Me.

Not true? Money has always been a huge issue in life.
Whoever invented money, FUCK YOU.

Dinner with Mama.

My body has been constantly taking in medicine since the beginning of the year. 

I've been so conscious about my weight, my looks, my everything. 

I'm so scared my weight would keep going up.

I just want to maintain a weight that's so skinny so no one will have any chance to say I'm fat.

I've been so frustrated and angry with myself that my weight has been gaining, this is bad.

Whatever efforts I've put in to make myself slim earlier this year has all gone down the drain. 

Holidays were all too great for the past few months and I'm now suffering from all the holiday fats. 

I hate taking photos now cause my face looks so round and I just can't stand it. 

I hate looking at myself in the mirror cause I feel like punching my fat face. 

I hate looking into the mirror cause I see my fat thighs and arms and tummy. 

Yes, I'm going on diet again. 

And I'm gonna make sure this time round, after I've slimmed down, I'm keeping my weight on a constant and not going up again! 

People tell me I'm not fat etc. 

But to me, I am. 

So stop telling me what I should do to my body. 

I know myself and I know what I want. 

In fact I guess, it's the society that makes me want things like this. 

Take a look on the streets nowadays, whichever girl that is not stick thin is called or classified as fat. 

Whichever girl who doesn't have a sharp chin or can't see their collar bones or chest bones are called fat. 

Okay, so be it. I'm fat, and now I'm gonna do something about it. 

Trust me, in one month's time I will hit my desired weight. 

I feel ugly cause people are classifying girls who put makeup as ugly, trying to cover up their ugliness. 

I feel ugly cause people say faces with pores are.

I feel ugly cause people say those with scars or marks or pimples are. 

I FEEL I'M FAT AND UGLY. CAN?! 

Fucking depress now. 

I'm having my menses, bloated tummy (result in fat tummy), always feeling hungry (result in keep eating) and having pimples (cause by the syndromes of menstrual cycle). 

SO YES, I'M FAT AND UGLY. 

I'm feeling so moody, so angry, so frustrated, so fucking fucking annoyed by every fucking comments that's coming to me. 

Yes, seriously PMS. 

And the fucking running nose, sore throat, rise in body temperature and everything else have to come together at this moment. 

FUCK MY LIFE. 

I need some alcohol. 

I'm so frustrated. 

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! 

Feel like killing myself. 

I hate myself so much now. 

Seriously. 

I swear weight is a fucking major issue that caused my lousy mood today.

So those who have been saying I'm fat, THANK YOU. 

YOU OFFICIALLY PISSED ME OFF AND MADE ME GO ON DIET. 

Thank you!

I swear I'm gonna weigh myself everyday now. 

And I need my fucking Boyfriend's hug now. 

FUCK.

11:19pm.

it's raining now.

and I'm thinking of E.

we had a slight argument a moment ago.

he said he's sick of my questioning and asking and suspecting etc.

I feel the rain.

it's just like my heart.

crying.

I guess a sick person gets emotional even more. especially when PMS join in.

why is it that he just don't seems to get that as long as he make me trust him entirely, things will all be alright?

why is it that he have to breach my trust just when I'm about to trust him completely, ALL the time?

I'm scared.

scared of finding out truths.

scared of knowing he's hiding things from me.

scared of the end result is something I don't want.

I'm scared.

because I can't trust.

not just towards him but almost everyone else.

I'm scared end of the day, because I can't trust, I'm losing myself too.

I'm tired of not having someone I could trust completely. ):

Life? irony.

I guess somehow I've come to this point in life that I've learnt to take things easy as long as it doesn't concern me.

I used to mind so much about all the morally wrong-doings. like having affairs. being third party and adultery etc.

but I guess now, as long as my partner is not involved, I'm pretty much not bothered.

I've learnt that that is their life. I have no control over their life just like they have no control over mine. all I know is that in this life, I've not done anything that's morally wrong and my conscience is clear. that's all that matters I guess.

I hate people commenting or making any kind of remarks about the relationship that E & I have. so I guess others won't like it too.

every relationship have their own ups and downs, happiness and unhappiness. but one thing for sure, a relationship must have gone wrong somewhere for it to be ending. it's definitely not just one person's fault. it's both parties.

come on, let's be fair.

but who are we to judge them?

at some point in life, things just go wrong. there's no one to blame but ourselves.

girls need attention from guys just like guys need affection from girls.

it's a two way road.

we can't make things happen with just being one-sided.

to make a relationship last, it take two person's efforts to keep things going, not one person.

it's togetherness that keep two together. not loneliness.

E sometimes don't give me the attention I need. so vice versa, I don't give him the affection he's yearning for.

I'm like this.

give me what I want and you'll get what you want. as simple as that.

whenever E doesn't make time for me, I fill my time with something else.

yes, you can say I'm revengeful or whatever but this is my relationship with him.

this is the way I get what I want from him.

this is how I get his attention.

because I want them.

you get what I mean?

if he stop doing something, I'll stop too.

he gotta keep things going so I'll keep things moving.

it's like a pull and push effect.

as far as I know, I'm glad somehow we manage to keep things on par and things are going on pretty okay for us.

other than the fact that he just loves to argue with me at times and that makes me feels like he just love to see me being angry. -.-

yes. stupid I know.

but I love this stupid man.

what can I do?

until I find the next stupid man I might fall for, I'm not gonna stop loving this stupid idiotic guy. -.-

pffts.

the only thing in life that will make me a failure - love.

so true.

in need of tight hugs so desperately. ):

23 x 30Days.

My first photo with E since he came back from Hong Kong! :)

My first present from my beloved boy! :) Super love this!!! So cuteeeeeee!

My first ever Kate Spade wallet as our advance anniversary present from E! :)
He said this is not really a wallet, more like a coin purse but to me I can always make it a wallet! :)

A kiss for my Baby #2 everytime I see him! :)

Fixed the watch. Time stopped, no battery so I got it changed! :)

老婆饼 from E! :)

Before I start posting..

HAPPY 23RD MONTHSARY BABY E! :D

23 months have not been all smooth sailing but I still believe we can overcome everything together, as long as we stay together. :)

I love you! 

So, meeting up with E at his house, the first thing he did was giving me a hug. And I love it. :) It's like a kind of reassurance to me. That he's back to me, I'm feeling his presence and I'm totally loving it so much! :) Now he should know why hugs are so important to me. :D

After talking to him for a while, we take our dinner and after we take our showers we started talking more. I like how he's telling me what happened to him and tell me what happened during his trip. 

Poor boy felt sick the next day he came back from the trip with high fever reaching 39 degree Celsius. ): I was sick worried at Batam and was hoping I could fly back to visit him but nah it's not exactly me to do this kind of things and he sure won't want me to do that either, leaving my friends behind. Haha. Nevertheless, I'm glad his fever subsided on the day of my return and I made a trip down to see him. Seeing him able to bicker with me assured me that he's fine already. :p And of course, him hugging me etc. :] 

The first gift he gave me when I was lying on the bed whinning about me wanting to watch a movie with him on funshion and he brought out the gift inside a plastic bag and put on top of me. TADAH! A baby dolphin in blueeeeeeeeeee!!!!! It's been so long since I received a dolphin soft toy! :D:D:D Super happy cause I love  dolphin so much!!!! :):) I couldn't stop hugging the dolphin since then! Hehe. 

And hugging the dolphin, I continue to bug E to watch movie with me which in the end he didn't cause he was reading some documents. ): So I was just surfing the net and checking out some prices before I eventually gave up, off my laptop and said I wanna sleep. LOL. I was soooo tired after having not able to sleep for like 2 nights cause I was sleeping on other's bed. 

It's always good to end the night with him next to me, honestly. 

I slept so peacefully. :) 

Nope, it's not in our practice to celebrate monthsary. 

We wish each other happy monthsary but we never celebrate it. 

Next month is our 2nd Anniversary and we've already planned so much for it! 

Can't wait for it already! 

ILY, E. :)

BATAM!!!

So I spent my last weekend at Batam when E just came back from Hong Kong. HEHE.

I stayover at E's (this is not my boyfriend but Emilyn if you haven't realised) place but I couldn't really sleep cause of my bad habit of not being able to fall asleep on other's bed. -.- Grr I kept waking up! Zzzz.

So anyway, E's parents sent us to Harbour Front early in the morning to meet up with the rest.
We had breakfast at Toast Box before boarding the ferry at 0950.
Arrive at Batam at 0950, indonesia time. Haha.
It's an hour behind us.
So after arriving, the tour guide brought us to some weird place that we're totally not interested. -.-
So we hailed a taxi and left for Nagoya Hill Shopping Centre.
We ate A&W there, which is like a MUST to eat! Hahaha.
Met up with KW & Momo and shop around in the hypermart where we bought a lot of sanitary pads.
It's so freaking cheap until if you're girl and you don't buy, you lose out!!!! Hahaha.
I swear I will buy even more next time!
Too bad I only brought a small luggage!
The next time I might just bring my medium one! haahahha!

after that we went back to hotel, Harris Waterfront City.
Checked-in and cause there's no rooms left, they gave us the Honeymoon Cabanas room. The room is huge with King Size bed, open concept toilet, with bathtub and balcony facing the sea. Very relaxing but full of mozzies and bugs and like hornets. -.- Haha.
After checking-in and unpacking our luggage, we left for our spa at the hotel.
Only E & I had the spa while R & S had the normal massage.
The spa was 2.5hours with scrubbing, massaging and herbal jacuzzi bath.
It was sooooooooooo good! Really love it!
Totally relaxing and just what I needed! :)

After the spa was going back to the room and pack our things into the luggage and then meet up with the boys for seafood dinner at Waterfront City.
The seafood was so so.
Took taxi to and fro from the hotel which cost like IDR50,000 or SGD6. LOL it's super near distance but oh well..
At night was the boys joining us at our room and we were drinking and talking.
Finally calling it a day after so much of talking and slept at about 2am. Haha.

Next morning was waking up at about 9am and head for breakfast.
After breakfast was back to room and sleep until it's time to check-out. Hahaha.
Check-out, ate lunch at the restaurant and then head to the terminal to board the ferry!
Back in Singapore about 5pm, went to meet up with KW & Momo before getting the Coffee Club and took a bus back to E's (my boyfriend) house.
Dinner with him and had a good time catching up with him! :)