So Tell Me How...

这个世界上，总有个人，他治得了你。只要看到他，你的坏脾气自然收敛起来，变得驯如羔羊。只要看到他，你的沮丧会消失得无影无踪。跟他一起，你才发现自己从没这么温柔过；跟他一起，你会努力表现得聪明些。----爱上了他，你有点怕他；爱上了他，你开始相信命运；是否前世你欠了他什么？

I met someone like this almost 5 years ago. When I was with him, I became who I'm normally not. I felt like a weakling in front of him, I felt like I was able to rely on him forever. I felt like I could just follow him and do nothing together. With him, life was simple, life was easy. We were laughing, smiling, spending hours and hours talking until the next day and we're happy. We spent almost every moment talking to each other, calling or texting or seeing. But I don't get sick of seeing him, he don't get bored of meeting me. We're always eager to meet and see each other. We fell in like, we fell in love. We had each other and then we lost each other. We fell out, we fell apart but deep within, we know we still care for each other just that it's one sided love then. And in the end, I'm still in love while he moved on. And since then, I told myself never to love someone more than he loves me. Because in fact, I couldn't take another blow having to bid goodbye the way I used to in the past.

Just two days ago. I had this ' I want to fly home to see you ' feeling. But today I'm thinking, is that feeling the same as what I felt back then? Sometimes I wish that I could have someone like him as my boyfriend but I know we can't compare and contrast a person like this. I know the more I try to find someone like him, the more I won't move out from his shadow. And I know the more I want someone like him, the deeper I am gonna be in love with him. Yeah I moved on. But why is it that sometimes I still actually do hope for myself to be like who I was when I was with him? And then I realized, there's one thing that he had from me which my others don't. The trust level I had in him.

I don't know why but he made me trust him completely. He made me felt like everything is gonna be okay and I don't have to worry about anything and all I had to do was, laze with him and follow him wherever and be with him. I miss that feeling. Miss how it feels like to trust someone completely. How can I ever break these walls that are built around me that are to prevent anymore lost of trust? But now, walls are building higher and higher.

So tell me how? How can I be like the past again?
Honestly, I'm tired of trying so hard to protect myself.
Really..