The Vow.

• Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they’re not, and to live within the warmth of your heart — and always call it home.

• Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. I vow to love you, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other.

I watched this movie with E on Saturday's night in Malaysia. But he slept half way. ): 

I love the movie! So super sweet and it's really touching. 

' What will you do if I don't remember you? ' I asked E. 

' I've never thought about such things before. So don't ask. ' E replied and he gave me a hug. 

You get what I mean? 

The happiness he gave me is only when we spend the weekends together or whenever we're together. When we're apart, he never once tried to make me feel the same other than asking me to be more understanding towards the situation. Why can't he just stay the same? There's like 5 weekdays and 2 weekends. Out of this 7days, only the weekends he's treating me differently. Wtf?

Sigh, if only everyday is like when we're having the weekend together or when we're going on trip. I guess I would be really happy then. 

For now, I guess somehow he thinks that we're together for long enough and doesn't need to do what other couples are doing, spending time together etc. But he just keep forgetting that I'm someone who needs things to be constant. I hate changes. 

Update soon about Malaysia trip. 

Upset.

Hi my diary, 

I've not been feeling happy since I heard of the news on Monday. 

I'm frustrated, angry, upset and disappointed. 

Frustrated because E is gonna have every chance to see the two person I detest the most in this company every fucking day. I can't do no shit about this because I'm not the one who arrange them to go over. But he could have just find another job, probably better paying and leave that place.

Angry because E only kept telling me he don't know what to do when all he should do is tell the two fucking person to stay away from him. But now, he choose not tell them and he got me all angry and upset. 

Upset because after all my grumbling etc, all E did was ' I'm tired, I wanna sleep. ' when he has been busy the first two days of this weekdays, I didn't bother him or complain that he didn't have time to talk to me, like the way I used to but when he finally did on Wednesday (And I'm already all hot, pissed and unhappy due to the neglegence he gave me the past two days), I lost my cool because I was all moody. He told me finally he's free and less stress from work and I gave him responses that makes him doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Was I wrong to tell him that all the negligence he gave me since after Valentine's day whenever we're at work is making me getting used to him not being around me? Was I wrong to tell him that he's making me getting used to not needing him? It's a fact that it's not the first time he neglected me like this already, was I wrong to tell him that? From the day I kept complaining about him neglecting me, the times I kept asking for his attention and the times I kept throwing tantrums just because he isn't giving me the attention that I want and needed till today, I don't even ask for his attention anymore. I don't throw tantrums on him anymore. I don't even finds it weird that I don't see him for a week already. Tell me now, is this all okay and healthy in a relationship? I'm unhappy. I don't want this but he always just brush it off by telling me he's tired, he doesn't want to quarrel so he change the topics etc but I'm still unhappy, the problem still exist and I'm just not gonna be happy at all, AND HE JUST DON'T GET THAT. That day, he replied me with an 'ok' after I tell him what his negligence did to me. To me, in my head at the back of my mind, ' WTF IS THIS REACTION. YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL NOW IS IT?!' So I told him, sometimes his reply makes me not want to talk to him anymore. And there, he said he was talking to me nicely etc and my responses makes me doesn't want to talk me anymore. GREAT. VERY WELL DONE, E. You're indirectly telling me that whatever I said was wrong. You, neglecting me is correct. You, making me feel like I don't need you is correct. You, everything you said is correct? Sure. You just further pissed me off. I ended the conversation by telling him 'Don't talk then don't talk'. Those who knows me well would probably expected me to react like this. I'm pissed, I really am. Too many things pissed me at the same time. He didn't contact me the whole of yesterday, bravo. Further proved me right that he thinks he's right and I'm wrong. FUCK YOU. If I was still the old me, I'm sure the next thing he's getting from me is ignorance. But because I promised him that I will not ignore him no matter how angry I am, I kept to my promise and reply him whenever he text me or talk to me. He have no fucking idea how much I wanted to ignore him. Because given my character, I HATE, I repeat, I HATE any forms of contact with the person I'm angry with. But I'm keeping my promise. He have no fucking idea how he's killing this love I have for him with his replies and attitude towards me. Just because I'm loving him more than before doesn't give him the rights to make me upset more than before. He changed, I do too. DON'T, I said, DON'T kill this feeling I have for him now. Because when he lose it this time, he's losing it forever. I'm not threatening him but stating a fact. I just need one more mistake, one more huge mistake he make and I will take my leave. If I can do it to Z, I'm sure I can do it to him. Instead of being in a relationship that doesn't make me happy, I rather I suffer in heartache. 

Disappointed because E treat it like nothing happen the next day, which is today. I have no idea how long can I tolerate this. But somehow or rather this is breaking me up slowly. I've cried in some nights for the past 1.5 months. Because I was upset, I felt that whatever changes I make, E feels that it's my duty. Because now that I finally love E, he's being so fucked up at times. He kept telling me ' that's the reason why I wanted you to change. If not we won't work out. ' THEN WHY. Why when I feel that we won't work out, when I wanted to give up and let go despite the pain that I might feel, he pulled me back. There are times when I felt like I couldn't stand myself making changes anymore that I rather to give up on him than to keep making those changes.. But he pulled me back. If he have the will to pull me back, why can't he have the heart to treat me differently? Was it because he know I have a soft spot for him? Was it because he knows that I can tolerate shits? No doubt that he makes me the happiest. But he's also the one who makes me feel the lousiest, shittiest and saddest. Oh how disappointed will I get in the end? I have no idea. 

The happiness he gave me was all short-lived. Temporary. Just like maybe over the weekend. Or when we're on a trip. But that's not what I want. I'm tired of all these ' he-thinks-we're-doing-well ' shits. I'm tired of him being the one who say how well is this relationship doing. Fact is, HE is a MAN and I'M a WOMAN. He doesn't understand that I need him to be physically here with me in order to keep us going. He feels that things for us now is better than before. No, to me it's not. As simple as that. I hope to trust him more but he breached my trust too many a times and sometimes whatever he say/do makes me suspect him more. He makes me feel like I'm unimportant. He makes me feel like I'm replaceable. He makes me feel like being with him, it's one of the most tiring thing to do. He makes me super unhappy. 

They say ' No reason to stay is a good reason to go '. 

Am I suppose to let go before it's too late? 

Or am I suppose to hold on and wait for him to make some changes? 

I want a future with him, we talked so much about future. 

But with the way he's treating this relationship and me, how am I gonna last a lifetime being like this? I will get tired eventually and I will let go eventually. 

Unless he's able to make things different from now. 

I need to feel different constantly. I need to know he's willing to make sacrifices for me. I need his reassurance all the time. 

Because for him, I'm willing to give up everything to make him feel different. And I need him to do the same for me. 

I don't want to be an ordinary girl in his life. 

I want to be the one and only special girl. 

Yes, I'm demanding but this is what I need in a relationship to keep it going. 

I NEED TO FEEL SPECIAL.

FUCKING SPECIAL. 

My Man! :)

Prive @ Keppel Bay. 

Happy Birthday Zell! :) 

My Chef! :)

   

His first time cooking for me..

Seriously I hope for more to come! :)

  

He's cooking my favourite celery! :)

Curry Chicken!! YUM!

Steam fish! :) 

Watercress Soup!

Look at Baby J! She started eating before anyone of us starts! That shows how nice the foods are!

  

Late at night, E is teaching Princess M her homework and teaching Baby J how to draw. Such a heartwarming sight. <3

Last night, Baby J came to my room and she lie on my tummy.. Then I pat her to sleep. :)

She was only an infant when she last slept next to me! I miss this sight!

Look how big she has grown! :) No longer the tiny baby! :)

Last weekend was pretty much filled with love and happiness. :) 

As seen from above, I went out with E's friends as a group, like finally.
I didn't want to meet any of his friends other than J & A for the past few months because of W & V's incident. 

So like finally, I agreed to go for their group outing and it was total awkwardness. It feels weird in that crowd again. Familiar faces but I felt uneasy. I was a lot more quiet than the precious me who met them. Thankful for PX, if not for her, I really don't know how to even start talking to them. :) 

So E stayover my place again, over the weekend and he cooked! :) I'm really happy though I was there to supervise his progress and making sure that things don't go wrong. I'm not afraid that the food is not gonna be nice, just afraid of accidents. :\ But so far so good, he did pretty well after following instructions! :) And I'm glad that he made these changes for me. I'm hoping for more meals from him now! ^.^  And seeing him spending so much time with my family, especially Baby J, I'm really thankful! :) 

Up till now, somehow I still feel that both E & I still have a lot of obstacles in between. A lot about trust, the people around us whom we don't trust. The level of love we have for each other is high, but I guess majority is me. I can't trust completely and I always doubt because I can't see. I need to see it in order to believe it. Sigh. This is bad. Somehow I really hope that E could move to my place but I know that's impossible.. But I know it myself that as long as he's out of my sight, my thoughts will wander. 

We enjoy each other's company, that's for sure. We love to laze around doing nothing or just bring Baby J for a walk downstairs. Our life now is more or less revolving things like these. Lazing around doing nothing and just watching drama on laptop etc. 

I just want him to be around me, even if we're not doing anything. 

Because only then I feel more secure.. 

):

It's Weekend Again!

Steam Fish!

Curry Chicken!

Celery!

西洋菜汤!

It's finally Friday and I'm all excited over tomorrow! Why? Because E is gonna be cooking for me for the first time! :) :) :) :) *OVERJOYED* ^_^ 

E has been spending almost every weekend at my place and it's sort of becoming a routine! :) And I can see from his eyes that he's happy spending time at my house even though we do nothing, laze around and just spending quality time with Baby J and my Princesses. :)

Above dishes are the ones I wanted E to cook! HEHE. I can make my orderrr! >.< 

1. Steam Fish! - I love steam fish! But E HATES fishes cause of the fishy smell! But he's being sweet enough to willing to make that dish though he grumbled at first. xD 
2. Curry Chicken! - I've been craving for some home-cooked curry chicken for quite a while! HEHE. He agreed to curry chicken cause he felt it was easy to make. It is, with some help of curry paste! >.<
3. Celery! - I love celery! Baby J loves it too! And he said he will make whatever I love to eat! HEHE. So loved! >.< 
4. 西洋菜汤! - One of my favourite soup and it has been a really long time since I drank so I requested for that and he said ' No problem baby, your orders has been taken! '. HAHAHAHA. 

I've always been wanting him to cook a meal for me. But he always tell me he doesn't know how to cook etc. I remember there was once he argued with me because I whined about wanting him to cook me a meal. -.- In the end I got angry cause whenever he wants me to cook, I would. But when I was only hoping for him to cook a meal, he gave me so many excuses. And it's because I was angry, then he decided to really cook a meal for me. -.- Tell me, guys are idiots? No? 

Nevertheless, I'm still very much happy that he's cooking the meal tomorrow!! ^_^ 

Thank you E!! 

Love you!! 

Sengkang Swimming Complex!

My little precious! I asked her to pose for me! :) So cute, she stood there so straight and give me such a shy smile! 

I love my days with her! :)

And E has been so much closer to her already!

He's always sticking to her rather than me! ):

I'm so dark and she's so fair! 

I'm getting fatter! ):

She's eating ice cream on the bus!

Princess M! :)

From the top view! :)

E & myself!

Baby girl all changed!

After everything, she's tired and fell asleep!

So, E took my family and I to Sengkang for a swim last Sunday. Supposed to be some sunny day but end up we were only in the water for about half an hour and we had to get up due to the bad weather! :\ Baby J just don't seems to be happy and she kept crying and throwing tantrum.. I may seems to be spoiling her by coaxing her and calming her but leaving her there crying, I'll feel worse. She was just tired and kids love water.. It's no doubt she will be upset that she only started playing and had to get up. -.- 

So after sitting down for close to an hour, hoping for the clouds to go away and sun comes in, we gave up cause the dark clouds were swamping in. -.- Showered, changed and we heart to compass point for dinner while E went to meet his friends at Clarke Quay for dinner at Jumbo Seafood. 

After dinner, we went home! :) 

Baby J has been naughty the entire trip and somehow I know my family as well as E were annoyed and irritated. I was the only one who was there to pacify her and calm her down. I'm not spoiling her. But sometimes you just can't go the harsh way with kids, because they just won't listen to you even more. I know the rain has dampen everyone's mood but the little kid was upset too. She was all excited about playing in the water and only to get chased out just when she started to play. I wanted her to have fun but the weather is not doing us some good. I just don't like to see her cry and all. I know everyone loves her smiles. But why can't they stand her crying and sadness? She's only a child and the attention she needs, is definitely more than anyone of us.

Recently, Princess G talked to me about being Baby J's guarantor after getting my PR so that Baby J can have her education in Singapore. I never like to be anyone's guarantor. Even though I'm close to you etc. But I agreed to do this, not for Princess G, but for Baby J. I want the best for her because I watch her grow. She's a smart girl and I don't want her intelligence to go down to waste being put in Malaysia to study. She deserves so much more if not for her parents. I'm not looking down on my Bro-In-Law & Princess G. But the fact is, You had almost 3 years to work towards applying your PR in Singapore. Why are you not doing it? Baby J could have been a PR if they're hardworking enough.

She's only 2. She has a long way in life. But I'm not her mother and I can't do that much for her. It's limited for the things I could do for her even though I really want to do more. Somehow I really hate Princess G for being so insensible. Really.

Baby J, 姨妈 loves you, way too much that you can never imagine. :)

Hi..

I'm unhappy. ):

They are moving over and this few days E and I have been talking about this.
There's just no ending to whatever we've discussed.
I don't like J.
I don't want E to even have a slight chance of being anywhere near J.

Yes, possessive I may seem. But I'm just protecting whatever I love.
I love this relationship with E.
J is a fucked up woman who slept with an attached guy.
She's a third party of that relationship.
To me, she's some dirty slut.
She don't even have self-respect, how will I even believe she will have respect for other people?
She won't respect people's relationship.
Because if she will, she won't be the third party.
But she still was the third party.

I don't care how long ago has that happened.
The fact I know is, she will sleep with attached guys.
She's fucked up.
And I don't want my Boyfriend to know this kind of girl.
I literally hates her.

I don't know how but I don't want E to even talk to her.
Who knows if she's infested with whatever diseases.

The thoughts about them talking, about the way she would behave like putting her arms around E.. I cannot take it. I really can't.

Seriously, get the fuck out of that place already, E.
You've been there long enough.

Felicia's Birthday!

E! :)

Mine!

E's!

Me! :)

Myself, E, F, J & J.

Happy Birthday! :)

J & I on B's car! :)

E & I! :)

It's F's Birthday today! :) 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :) 

She had her be-early birthday celebration last Saturday at Changi's Seafront Chalet. I met up with E first at Bishan and we head down together! :) Stopover at Tampines to eat something first before going over to the Chalet! And I swear I'm like pig. 

E & I had Pastamania as our dinner, then head over to the chalet and we had buffet then after which we had some BBQ food. OMG I feel super pig. Everytime before my menses come I will tend to eat a lot more!!! ): 

That aside, F's family are very much bonded and I just love how that works in a family. Be bonded. Her dad is super sweet to her, her mom too. Her sister is helpful and I can see them being quite a good host in providing the food and drinks, making sure everyone have enough for themselves. I like seeing things like that. It keep me wondering, will my Queen do this for me in the future? And yes, I know the answer. She will. Because all parents will go all out for their kids. Including myself in the future. :) 

We left at about 11:30 and B dropped us at town to take train home actually. But we didn't managed to catch the last train! ): Sigh. So E & I ended up taking cab home and I came to realise she stay near Daddy's chicken rice! HAHA. :) And near E.K(my boyfriend)'s house! :)

Poor E.K(my Boyfriend) has been spending the Saturday with my family himself since I left home. He went out with Queen, Baby J & Princess M. :) I was home only to see the very nice sight of him playing with Baby J. Love those time when I caught him smiling to Baby J like he's the father of her. HAHAHA. 

Finally, after almost half a year, I've decided to stayover at E's house again, tonight. 

I don't know if that's good or bad but yeah, I've gotta start somewhere. 

I know I can't avoid going to his house in the future. 

Sigh. 

Okay, next post will be Swimming at SengKang! 

40th Installation.

Dinner was at Boat Quay's Professor Brawn.

Whole of second floor. Reminds me of Strictly Pancake!

Program list.

Grown up C.

V, C & myself.

The 6 girls. 

HQ Bar.

A drink I won from the bartender! >.< Snowball!

This is G. & that was the game I had to play to win the drink!

It has been ages since I attended any of their events. Yeah, can say I'm trying to completely shut myself up from all kinds of socializing and going to events etc. I wonder how the hell can I actually do it. But hell yes, going to their events/meetings take up too much of my time that even my Queen is unhappy. I don't have so much time to waste.. I'm not rich like them. 

But I did offered help. I did told them that if they need manpower I can help out once in a while and attend dinners etc. But if they want to completely shut me off then so be it. I don't want to be in the committee, I made that clear. -.- I enjoy being part of them, but I don't really enjoy doing too much of whatever they're doing. It's a good place to go to if you want to if you're not working and have a lot of savings. HAHA. Nope, I don't qualify for both. Sorry! 

After the dinner, I went to HQ Bar at Club Street with G & V. Not a bad place and we had quite a bit of catch up! After that we head to Play which was just down duxton road. >.< First time being at Play, I think it's really not bad! :)

Ended my night at 4am after reaching home about 3+.
Thank you G & V for sending me home! :)