Diary.

I read my diary last night. 2005 to 2007. Handwritten, heartfelt. Chance across this page which was written in my diary by my ex-boyfriend when we were together. I then realized how irresponsible he was all the while, how he break promises by promises. Never gonna hurt me again? But you left me with utmost pain. 

He wrote something like this;

' When you're sad, I'll be there to share your sorrows. When you're happy, I'll be there to share your happiness. When you need me, I'll be there. When you're angry, I'll be your punching bag. When you're down, I'll be there to bring you up. When you feel like crying, I'll be there to lend you my shoulder. It's time for me to make up to you, I won't fail you again. It's time for you to believe me. There won't be anymore lies and betrayals.' 

But he still hurt me in the end, in another way. Much worse than lies and betrayals.

Kinda hurts knowing how much he's changed over the past 7 years being with him. I felt like a fool reading the diary and then got reminded of what he has done to hurt me. I don't know, it feels funny to read something and reminded myself of how much I used to love someone and now, I can't do the same anymore. I got reminded not to love someone the way I used to love. They say ' Love like there's no tomorrow. ' Yeah, if I really love like the way I used to, there's really no tomorrow for me. This love that I once put in so much efforts and time in, made me the me today. Killed my faith and belief in love, destroy the hopes I had for love. This love, destroyed me. The old me. 

Seriously, I've lost everything I once had, because of him. If you ask me if I hate him for what he's done. I won't deny, I used to hate him a lot. But now, I guess I don't anymore. Queen always tell me, it's only when I stop hating then I fully let go of the feelings for him. I get it now. I don't know when have I stop hating him but I just don't anymore. If you give me a choice to choose to be with him again, I'd rather we never met. If things can be undone, I'll undo the day we met. But since I can't so I'm gonna just let things fade until there's not even a watermark. (:

Okay, I know my Boyfriend is gonna feel very uncomfortable reading this post because he cares a lot about me and he doesn't want me to think of the past and all the yadayada. But hunny, this isn't something about how much I miss him etc. I was just being reminded and I need a place to say it out. I've told you before, I don't care how others gonna view me writing post like this. So if anyone is ever gonna ask you why I write this, please shut them off by telling them ' Mind your own business, that's her blog so you don't like it just fuck off and don't go back there anymore. She didn't welcome you anyway. ' You know I hate people poking their nose into my business and then getting you involved. SO..... If they still ask you, TELL THEM TO ASK ME THEMSELVES. SAY YOU'RE NOT A MESSENGER. That's it. Anyway I bet they won't even dare to come and ask me anything. They're just some busybody fucks. (:

And, these are for you;

I know I'm gonna have lesser time for you.. (: 

ILY. <3