I've been busy with work lately.
Barely even have time for anything, not even meeting up for dinner.
Loving this job but it's tiring me out.
Good and bad in some ways.
But I will get through this, definitely.
Birthday was a mess.
Many people turned up and I'm happy about it.
Got totally wasted. LOL.
But it was fun, somehow. HAHA.
I'm happy that Mr.I turned up cause he doesn't like club actually.
Thank you for turning up for my birthday. :)
Too wasted to take many photos.
I'm sad that I lost my favourite pink blazer and birthday present from Cindy cause left it in the club. :(
Thought I could have chance to get it back but I couldn't. :(
Side track, so yes, life have been rather monotonous due to work. I didn't make any dinner arrangements with anyone cause most of the time I work until late and I don't want to make people wait for me. Everyday is basically just work and then home and then sleep and then the routine repeats. Weekends are mostly spent resting or if I have time and not feeling so tired, I would meet up with Mr.I or some friends. But most of the time, I slept my weekend away. :\ I miss Mr.I but.. Sigh.. Tons of reasons for us not meeting up lately. The last time I saw him was on my birthday celebration and it felt like forever since I last saw him. :(
But one thing I'm happy about right now is that finally my mom is being acceptive towards Mr.I and she's being so open in talking about him now!!!! It felt like some kind of achievement! It's like finally after so long! :) It's a huge step for mom, I know. But I'm really thankful that she's finally opening up.. It's like a moment I've been waiting for. :)
Of so many things that has happened, I've been feeling rather down. A lot of things in my mind. Not much on my relationship with Mr.I but my friends. Though Mr.I is one of my concern but I care more about my friends. Especially my best friend.
To my best friend:
You have your views and opinions. You can think all you want and judge all you want. I'm disappointed with your attitude towards me without even asking me for any clarifications. You look at things on the surface and not knowing what is happening exactly. I know you do read my blog and therefore I'm writing here to you. I don't know since when have you became so hostile towards me that you choose not to let me know what's happening in your life. I remembered I used to be the only one who could view your private blog but now it seems like I can't even see your public blog. You locked it and I know, I've asked but you said you don't want to let people read and somehow my sixth sense told me you grant access to some people except for me. No idea what was all these for but correct me if I'm wrong. I'm still the same but maybe to you I've changed. Yes, I may change but towards you or any of my friends, I didn't. I thought it was your breakup that was affecting our friendship cause you wouldn't want to talk about it as we both broke up the same time and you're afraid that it might affect me. If that was your worries, please don't even think that way. Like my mom told me, I shouldn't even broad over someone who doesn't really love me after all. You think Eric really loved me? I don't think so. Cause if he did, he wouldn't choose to listen to all his friends and push all the blames to me, even until today. His friends said I don't repent but none of them did any self-reflections either. All those people who put me down, do you think now they will speak of me in good way? No, they won't. They're probably still watching every of my moves on my facebook and talking about what I've done (eg: I'm going out with guys, I've moved on so quickly, I'm a bitch, I'm a slut, I'm a fucked up girl, I'm a whore etc etc). This is them. Do I have to stoop myself to their level and make myself look like an idiot, like them? It's a fact that Mr.I has been with me, helping me in a way or another to get pass this tough period and I'm happy around him, as simple as that. He makes me happy, isn't that all that matters? Some of the things you've heard may be true, some may be rumoured. But whatever it is, you know me best. At least that's what I thought but maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe like what I've told Maria, your definition of 'best friend' is not the same as me. It's just one-sided. All I can say is that I'm lost about this friendship, I don't know where is this going and I don't know what are you thinking or intending to do. All I've been told is ' give her more time, she needs more time ' and that's what I've been doing. Yet whatever that comes to my ears, is not just yet that simple as ' give her time '. But what I know is, I've never judged you even though sometimes you do things which I felt was not right. You don't like to be judged, I know. But now that you judged me, how am I supposed to react? We don't always get things the way we want them to be and I understand. I don't expect you to be like me, being all strong and calm in handling situations because I know what's your weakness. I don't expect you to treat me the way I treat you because I understand people prioritise differently. But I hope you understand, whatever shit I've been going through, I choose not to let it out completely because I don't want to affect the people around me. It has been long enough since the breakup and maybe you're still broading over it but I'm done with it. That's our difference and I hope you respect that we deal with things differently so don't judge me just because I'm done with a lousy guy who doesn't love me and doesn't know how to love or what is love. I'm open for talks so if you need to, you can always talk to me. But I guess you will still choose not to. I'm CS, the CS who won't let anything put me down.
So yes, just as everyone thought that I'm always feeling happy, there are times that I'm sad and unhappy. Of course, definitely not over Eric. I'm better off without him now and my life is back on track. I'm back to who I really was and I'm happy about that. I have a lot of friends who care about me, worry about me and is always there for me. I don't need someone who rely on his friends to decide his future and I won't be sad over that. In time to come, I know I've done my best but he would regret not putting in his 100%. He used to not want to let people know he has a girlfriend for whatever reason it may be, I don't know and now he doesn't need to hide. I wouldn't say I never doubted him of cheating on me cause when he started to hide things from me, I started suspecting. When he refused to let people know he has a girlfriend, I started suspecting. Why on earth would a boyfriend not wanting to let people know he has you a girlfriend? Why on earth a boyfriend wouldn't tell another girl who is interested in him that he has a girlfriend? Why on earth a boyfriend would just literally shake your hand away while crossing the road just because he's scared people would see? Why on earth a boyfriend want to delete call list for no apparent reason? Why on earth a boyfriend want to delete texts? Why the need to hide? Hide what? He's never done anything to make me trust him and he claimed that ' he don't know what he need to do ' Well done. Setting all those rules and regulations to me, and in the end he's not able to keep up with his own rules and regulations then it became my fault. He didn't tell his friends that he set all those rules and regulations and all his friends thought I was the one who's being demanding and unreasonable, this is what a boyfriend would do? A boyfriend who doesn't protect his girlfriend, that's what you call as good boyfriend? A guy who's older than me but doesn't act his age. I know that guys mature slower than girls but he's too much. Friends influence a person's character and I strongly believe in that because his friends are.... no comments. Tsk. I'm happy this is over.
I'm happy I'm done with this. Like Mr.I said, he's my 负担。
