它又掉下了..

很情不自紧的。。我掉了眼泪。。心情好低落。。心情好难过。。叫我该怎么办？有谁能告诉我？我要答案。。能够得到吗？要怎样才会让自己开心？要怎样才能让自己不想？要怎样才能让自己不感觉辛苦？不感觉痛苦？只有他。。只有他能让我开心。。可是。。他呢？他在哪里？他能回到我身边吗？我能得到答案吗？我好象走到了悬崖边境。。不知道该往哪个方向前去。。心好难受。。有人能帮我吗？可是我心里希望的人。。只有他。。

tell me.. what should i do? i feel so unhappy.. everyday.. i'm trying hard to live everyday happily.. but it seems to be hard since that day bev talked to me. his words.. keep going through my mind. i feel hurt every time it goes through my mind. i don't want this. can someone just tell me what he told me was just because he don't want me to miss him so much? not because he really wanna give up? tell me i'm never a fling in his eyes. tell me he don't meant what he say.. but.. after all.. i just hope to hear him telling me these himself.. only he can stop me from thinking. stop me from being sad. i don't need anyone else.. yes i don't need. i need bev..

i think i'm at my own wishful part of thinking. 我在自做多情吗？ feeling stupid.. feeling really stupid. i'm with him for such a short period of time and yet i can't get him out of my mind.. now i know what it meant by time dont matters. what matters is the feelings. it's true.. really true. i, towards bev.. is having this feeling now. well, for those of you who read my blog and feel sorry for zac.. all i can tell you is.. you're not me, so don't assume you've gone through what i've gone through. and if you really wanna feel what i've gone through.. try to be zac's girlfriend.. and you'll know why.. but now, it don't matters to me anymore.. cause i give upp.. give upp hope on zac. i no longer pin hopes on him. my hopes has gone to the guy from far away.. the guy.. who has brought me lots of happiness when i was with him.. i hate myself.. hate myself for losing him. hate myself for giving upp the trust and hopes he once placed on me. i miss the days with him.. i miss having him in my arms.. i miss having him by my side.. i miss when i wake upp, he's the first person i see.. i miss being next to him.. i miss holding his hand. i miss his everything. talking to me gently.. treating me like his little baby.. caring about me.. loving me.. his non-stop sms-ing me. if only i had been harsh to zac. i should have done this long ago.. i should have been harsh long ago. i should have listen to steph. bev.. i really missed you.. 我可以再抱你吗？ you are the one i wanna have in my arms now.. no one else...

AND ZAC.. STOP SENDING ME THOSE MESSAGES WHICH I DON'T EVEN WANNA SEE. STOP TELLING ME YOU WANNA MEET ME AND STOP WISHING ME HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. WE'RE OVER. STOP EVERYTHING BEFORE I FEEL IRRITATED BY YOU. I KINDA HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CALLS AND MESSAGES. JUST BE WITH YOUR CHLOE AND LEAVE ME ALONE. DON'T BUG ME ANYMORE.

sorry.. i feel irritated by zac cause he wished me happy anniversary today.. yes i know it's 24th. so? you think i fucking give a fuck about the number 24 now? i don't give a fucking shit anymore. so fucking just leave that fucking 24 aside. don't keep telling me happy anniversary or whatever fucking shit. i don't give a fucking damn. and please don't fucking blog down in your fucking blog saying that "your love one is loving another guy so deeply" or whatever fucking shit. don't fucking mess with my life. and listen.. I GIVE UPP ON YOU. I NO LONGER WANT YOU. you always tell aunty felicia i don't want you. NOW YOUR WISH COME TRUE. so fucking stop all the fucking craps you're fucking giving me now. i don't fucking wanna hear anymore things from you. don't force me to ignore you for the rest of my life. leave me to lead my own life and you lead yours with your chloe. don't fucking expect us to patch or whatever shit. i don't care anymore. cause I TOTALLY GIVE UPP ON YOU. and stop doing those fucking stupid things like fucking crying and fucking drinking. if you don't love yourself.. nobody will fucking love you.. especially the way you lead your life. so many things to do yet you fucking do stupid things. don't be a fucking retard and do those retarded things. and DON'T FUCKING TAG MY TAGBOARD. CAUSE I DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR NAME IN IT. clear enough of what i want from you? -leave me alone.

recently.. i have a lot of feelings i wanna blog down.. but because i consider her feelings.. consider her sensitiveness.. i dare not blog down.. but now, i think i have the need to blog down.. i wanna salvage this friendship. the friendship which i've been wanting since last time.. and i cherish a lot.

to steph :
don't know why.. i felt our distance started to drift apart.. is it because i'm working at gelare? is it because of other things? or is it because i didn't meet your expectations? can you tell me what's going on? do you know i feel SUPER LEFT OUT among the four of us now???? we no longer seems to be four now.. it's more of THE THREE OF YOU. rather than FOUR OF US.. and recently.. or rather should i say after i started working at gelare.. the talks we have is getting much lesser as compared to last time. i don't know why is there such a big contrast.. but i wanna know why. i seriously wanna know. you know me well enough. you should know what will happen if i no longer can take it. your attitude towards me seems to be getting worse. can you please give me an explanation? can you say something? is it because you don't want me to work in gelare? if so, let me know. I'LL QUIT, FOR YOU. i don't care about job. my friends are more important than that. 3 years of friendship can never be replaced by a fucking job. and steph, you said john isn't sensitive enough to other people.. but are you? yes you may be sensitive.. towards some people. and i admit i'm one person like this. i'm only sensitive towards people who meant a lot to me. and the rest.. i could just hack care. but you're one person whom i'll take note of your sensitiveness towards what i said to you. it's never easy to satisfy everyone. you said this. but do you know john also won't have the ability to satisfy everyone? so am i.. so is everyone. do you know it hurts knowing that one is talking behind their back? everyone make mistakes.. do we actually give them a second chance to show that they really know they're at fault? to show that they really repent? do you know i feel stress working with you now? you make me feel that you're competing with me. which i don't even fucking want. sorry. i'm not in good mood.. pardon me my harsh words. cause i really care.. that's why i'm pissed.. so now, girl, i need you to tell me what's going on.. i don't like to be kept in the dark. you know me well enough. so, tell me everything.. before we lose this friendship.

what's happening? my friendship is like.. fucking not right.. and i wanna correct it!!! ARGHH!!!!!!! feeling damn moody. forget it. i'm gonna stop it. stop blogging and have a good sleep. GOODNIGHTS! BYE!

anyways, thank you to those who is willing to celebrate my birthday with me on saturday at DXO. love you guys plenty plenty. hope i have a very good night out with all of you. :) thanks nicole, trevor, faris, terry, bong, kelvin, eric.. and many more. plenty of them. love all of you for being there. all of you is the best.. :) it'd be better if bev is here. haix... never mind. a wishing from him is good enough. hope he remembers when is my birthday. bev, do you?