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| Uncle's Salon! |
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| Little boy! |
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| Bleahs! |
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| 外婆！！ |
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| My handsome cousin! |
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| Fried cockles! Yum! |
Going back home in Malaysia was nothing new..
But this trip.. It's a little different.
My father came to look for me. Yes, my biological father.
I was staying with my Aunt and somehow or rather, my Aunt has been in contact with him and told him about my trip this time. So he took this chance to go over to my Aunt's place (because I was staying there) and was trying his luck to see if he could see me.
I spent both nights at my Aunt's place because we were too lazy to move.
I managed to shun him the first night cause the minute I'm told he's outside the house, I lock myself in the room and refuse to go downstairs.
But for the second night, my Aunt asked me to let him take a look at me. It has been years since I let him take a good look at me. I didn't want to actually. But my Aunt kept telling me that I'm putting her in a difficult position cause he kept calling her. I didn't agree to anything but Aunt called him to come over.
She knocked on the door when I was watching my movie and asked me to go downstairs because he's downstairs and there are some toys and gifts he wants to give Baby J and me. So I went down and he pass me some gifts and an ang pao. It was my Lunar Birthday last Friday, that explains the gifts and ang pao. But his main purpose is to see me. Yeah, I felt super uneasy for him to be looking at me. We exchanged glances and he aged.
Since the last time I exchanged eye contact with him, he aged. A lot.
I remembered he last called me on the phone and apologize to me for whatever that he has done to hurt me, my Queen or my family. He apologize and asked for forgiveness. He even told me that he knows that I'm angry with him and he knows that no matter what he said I might not forgive him. But I kept quiet. I didn't make a sound because I was crying silently. I don't know how to explain that feeling in me. I was utterly disappointed and upset with him. He was a man that I thought I could trust but no. He made me fear. I don't know what he would do if I were to still be in contact with him. Would he force me into prostitution just to make some money for him? Would he make me to sell drugs on his behalf to get that money for him? What would he do to me? And what would I become? I don't know.
All I know is, he's aging now and I know he's been in contact with my Aunt lately. He asked about me and he's concern about me and E. I know, he cares. But my feelings for him, the warmth that I used to have for him, has harden, and is now cold. I've never imagined myself seeing him again. I've never intended meeting him again. I'm not heartless but I just don't have that heart anymore. I've lost whatever I had for this father. Even until now, he's still leading a useless life. Not doing anything big but just doing drugs, making people suffer. I don't know why but he is my father. No matter how much I want to deny this, my body runs his blood.
I didn't tell my Queen that I saw him. Because she will be angry and upset. But I don't feel good keeping it from her as I've promised her before I'll never meet them..
Dilemma. Aunt asked me to forgive him but Queen doesn't want me to see him.
I don't like to have things hidden from my family.
What am I suppose to do?
