hi all.. i'm back here today.. yarhh.. i'm feeling a little down today.. i don't know why.. i saw dada's msn nick.. with the message of " nt happy " and it makes me wonder why.......
i tried talking to him online.. but he didn't reply.. i called him before that and he didn't pick upp. i don't know why.. maybe he's sleeping or maybe he's busy. i don't know. i'm feeling very unhappy. i'm feeling sad. i don't know why. he's taking over me again. he's affected my mood again.. totally. arghH!!!! i hate this feeling. i hate it. why do i always care so much about what he say? why must i think so much about what he say? why his words can affect me so greatly?
why isn't he happy? why isn't he? why must he be unhappy? what is bothering him? what happened to him? can someone answer me? can someone please tell what is he thinking? why is he unhappy? can anyone please tell me? i don't know.. i'm feeling weird.. i feel so emotional now. feel so down. feel like talking to him. feel like hearing his voice. haix..
i spoke to andrea on msn yesterday.. and she told me she could cry reading my blog.. so sorry andrea.. really sorry. i was feeling very unhappy. just like now. haix. i read through my blog entries for april. and was wondering why didn't i put on any post for march.. and i realised that march, me and him was having some big quarrel.. and yarh.. that's when he confess to lynn and a lot more things happened. i feel so uncomfortable whenever i hear the name 'lynn'. i know i shouldn't be prejudice towards lynn. but i can't stop myself from it. i feel really weird. i wanna be close to her, like i used to be before i knew dada likes her before. but i don't seems to be able to find the feeling back. i know it'll take me a long time.. but i don't know how long it will take. as i recall why i could accept maria totally, i found out it was because she's with wilson and i'm feeling better. that's when i actually accepted her totally even though we talk in sms, or in my tagboard. i feel really sorry for lynn cause, i know i shouldn't be having feelings like that.. but i can't stop myself. she seems to be a 'thorn' in my heart now.. it might just hurt me anytime. it's out to hurt me. i don't mean that lynn hurt me deliberately, i know it's not her fault. i know, but i'm sad.. when i see her.. cause it reminds me of what dada had told me. though he promised me that he won't say that to me anymore, but i'm still feeling insecured. feeling very insecured. must i wait until lynn have boyfriend then i accept her totally? must i wait until that day then i feel better seeing her? i don't want to keep waiting for that day to arrive, i don't want.. i wanna be like last time, when i can tell her my happiness and unhappiness. when i can hug her like one close friend, tell her i love her as a friend. i don't know why.. but i can't do it now.. i'm so sad.. i'm afraid i'll lose this friendship. but it's fading away now. it's going away.. bacause of what he has told me, i'm losing this friendship. i'm afraid she'd become my fear. i'm afraid.. ohh godd.. what should i do?? what should i do??? i don't know.. i'm feeling moody.. very moody.. haix..
ever since i'm in inline culture, i found the joy of skating, the purpose of going to east coast, the meaning of going to east coast. also, i know a lot of new friends and had build a strong bond with the inline culture people. i love them all. they've been nice and i want them to be my friends forever cause i treasure them.. of course, there're closer ones to me, which is [[ steven, kaishi, reeve, maria and wilson part two. ]] i'm closer to them. and i feel much comfortable with them.. sorry to the rest. i may not be that close to you all but you guys still mean a lot to me. i can tell that they care about me and is concern about me.. so am i. i care about them too, is also very concern about them. [[ jas, elbry, lynn, xiaozhu, greg, bong, sky, javier, brandon, peckann, piku, charles, eric, gavin, jonathan, marcus, ron, samuel, sebast, simon, wilson part one, zhen yu and zhen yuan ]] they are really nice people.. i wanna maintain the current friendship with them. and i hope it will last forever.. i hope other than lynn, i won't be feeling uncomfortable towards anyone lerx. i hope nothing like this will happen anymore. one is enough.. one already make me feel really sad.. i don't want anymore sadness over these kind of things. it's hard to control the emotion. i don't like the feeling of having difficulty facing someone. haix.. i wanna feel nice seeing them.. yarhh..
hmm. don't know why today have so many feelings.. i called zhuang sen just now, he told me that dada is sleeping.. now i finally feel better knowing that he's actually sleeping. at least i know what is he doing and won't think so much mahh. hahas! ohh i miss nicole and kris. so long didn't see them. i wanna see them. but kris, i hardly got time to spend with her ever since school starts and i started spending time at east coast, skating. feel so sad. we're drifted apart cause of skating.. thank god i still get to see nicole cause she's working at east coast gelare. :) hahas! hmm.. okays lahh. enough for today lerx bahh.. take care to all. :)
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