Ego, Pride & Stubbornness.

pride

noun
1.a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether ascherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.2.the state or feeling of being proud.3.a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect;self-esteem.4.pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflectcred it upon oneself: civic pride.5.something that causes a person or persons to be proud
 

e·go

noun, plural e·gos.
1.the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.2.Psychoanalysis . the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.3. egotism; conceit; self-importance: Her ego becomes more unbearable each day.4.self-esteem or self-image; feelings: Your criticism wounded his ego.5.( often initial capital letter  ) Philosophy .a.the enduring and conscious element that knows experience.b.Scholasticism. the complete person comprising both body and soul.

stub·born

adjective
1.unreasonably obstinate; obstinately unmoving: a stubborn child.
fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute: a stubborn opponent of foreign aid.2.
3.    obstinately maintained, as a course of action: a stubborn resistance.
4.difficult to manage or suppress: a stubborn horse; a stubborn pain.5.    hard, tough, or stiff, as stone or wood; difficult to shape or work.

Never have I ever thought that this 3 words would cause myself and the people around me hurts. Never have I thought myself allowing this 3 words to hurt the people I love and who loves me. Why is it that I seems to have forgotten how badly these words hurt me back then? I hated them but why did I allow myself to hurt others with these..? 

13th day since 3rd Feb 2013. 13th day raining.. (Okay, I woke up to a lovely weather this morning) but the weather reflects my mood. 雨过就会天晴吗？I asked myself this for countless times... Everyday I woke up hoping everything was just a dream and I hope God has never created this path for me to walk. Everyday when I smoke at my kitchen's window, I thought to myself ' Why not I just jump down from here and I don't have to go through all these ' The thought of that is even stronger when I'm home alone, drinking cider, bottle by bottle. Yes, suicidal thoughts, I have them. But I dismiss it as soon as I can because I don't want to give up. I don't want to give up on someone I can't live without. Living a life that I don't want, living a life without him, I have nothing left in me. I'm just an empty shell without any soul. Depressed, very depress. Can't stop crying at the thought of us and life was a torture, mental torture. But yet I have to put on a strong front to face my family. I have to fake a smile just so they won't know how I'm feeling. My heart hurts a little more when they asked about him, when Baby Jeorgina asked where is he.. 

Where was the me back then? Where was the me who always care about others? Lost somewhere I guess.. 

Self destruction is all I can think of now. No appetite everyday, not eating and I'm only drinking and smoking. I know over-thinking can kill a lot of things.. and that includes happiness. But I can't help the negativeness in me now. Even thought of going to clubs, getting dead drunk and maybe find some flings but I know I will regret the next day when I wake up and sober up. I don't know what else I could do to make myself feel better.. Neither do I want to fall back on Zac even though I know he's gonna always be around whenever I want/need him to. He would have been a rebound but I don't want to do that. I could have made used of him to tide over this period but I don't want to do that either. Because I still have hopes for my relationship with Eric. 

Those nasty words and nasty tones thrown to me from Eric.. I don't know how but I don't believe his words. He keeps telling me no one is influencing him but I feel otherwise. He's probably being encouraged to do this to me. To start anew, I told myself to let go of whatever that has happened. Whatever that has happened that made me lost trust.. whatever that has happened to cause our fights. I hope in return, he will be back to who he was.. That's all I'm hoping and praying for. 

I need to stop over thinking and curb my temper, ego and pride.

Not Giving Up.

This is not the end.
I don't believe this is the end.
We still love each other and that's all that matters.
I've never given up on you no matter how tired I get in this relationship.
So no, I'm not giving up..

I still want you, want us.
I need you..

I don't want a life without you.
It's tough to be with you, but it's tougher without you.
No matter what happened, having you with me is always the best since the start.
Losing you was the last thing I ever wanted.

You.

Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a song

A beautiful melody

When the nights are long

'cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy

Yeah when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I, I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I, I

I look at you

When I look at you

I see forgiveness

I see the truth

You love me for who I am

Like the stars hold the moon

Right there where they belong

And I know I'm not alone

Yeah when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I, I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I, I

I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me

Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me

All I need

Every breath that I breathe

Don't you know you're beautiful

Yeah yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I, I

I look at you

I look at you

Yeah

Whoa-oh

You appear just like a dream to me

I can be tough

I can be strong

But with you

It's not like that at all

There's a girl

That gives a shit

Behind this wall

You just walked through it

And I remember all those crazy things you said

You left them running through my head

You're always there, you're everywhere

But right now I wish you were here.

All those crazy things we did

Didn't think about it, just went with it

You're always there, you're everywhere

But right now I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,

What I'd do to have you

Here, here, here

I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn

What I'd do to have you

Near, near, near

I wish you were here.

I love

The way you are

It's who I am

Don't have to try hard

We always say

Say it like it is

And the truth

Is that I really mi-I-iss

All those crazy things you said (things you said)

You left them running through my head (through my head)

You're always there, you're everywhere

But right now I wish you were here.

All those crazy things we did (things we did)

Didn't think about it, just went with it (went with it)

You're always there, you're everywhere

But right now I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,

What I'd do to have you

Here, here, here

I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn

What I'd do to have you

Near, near, near

I wish you were here.

No, I don't wanna let go

I just wanna let you know

That I never wanna let go

(Let go, oh, oh)

No, I don't wanna let go

I just wanna let you know

That I never wanna let go

(Let go let go let go let go let go let go let go)

Damn, Damn, Damn,

What I'd do to have you

Here, here, here

I wish you were here (I wish you were here)

Damn, Damn, Damn

What I'd do to have you

Near, near, near

I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn (Damn)

What I'd do to have you

Here, here, here (Here)

I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn

What I'd do to have you

Near, near, near

I wish you were here.

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone?

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

真情，真爱。

Never give up on the one you love. 

Because no matter how hard the situation is, nothing beats having one another at the end of the journey. 

Social Networks.

Maybe it's true that social networks these days are the roots of all problems. Before the times of Friendster, Facebook, Twitter and other kinds of social media platforms, life was pretty much peaceful with just reading blogs, messages, letters, phone calls and face to face talks. Life was so much better because communication was straightforward.

Deleted my facebook, deleted and blocked people on instagram and twitter. I guess my life will be more peaceful since lesser people know about my stuffs. Lesser the people know, lesser the people talk and lesser the problems for the people around me. I'm gonna just rely on my blog most of the time just like the past. Blogging is after all something I'm comfortable with and this blog currently have only limited amount of people who knows so I think I can deal with that. 

I'm sorry to those whom I blocked and deleted on my instagram/twitter which some of them are Eric's friends. I have issues with them knowing my stuffs. I just don't want them to know any of my things except for some like Cindy. I've even deleted and blocked his friends' girlfriends. Deleting my facebook because I don't think I can deal with another blow of seeing things I don't want to see. The last time I saw Zac's facebook with another girl at his house, I nearly committed suicide. I doubt I can deal with another one. The number of people left on my profile will get lesser and lesser. As to when I'll stop deleting and blocking, when I think it's right.

Don't ask me why I'm doing this.. Cause I feel it's all those public eyes and comments that cause me so many problems. If only people learn to keep their comments to themselves, if only people know what's right to say and what's not. If only people have a better sense of sympathy. If only people have a better sense of understanding towards others. If only... 

If only I never existed..

The Vow.

I vow to love you, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other.

What's on my mind.

Here is the analysis:

You'll drop everything to be with the partner of your dreams, and you'll give their sentimental presents rather than expensive ones. Nevertheless, your spontaneous nature does have a limit, and when the romance is over, you'll head back to work to pick up the pieces.

You can try this via this link.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test93.aspx

The Missing Piece.

I lost this gold ring that Mom bought for me June last year just before my anniversary with Eric. 
But this morning, I suddenly see it again at the place where I usually put my rings at the dressing mirror.
Coincidence? 

It's the 3rd day today since you left me. But the pain didn't get lesser. Maybe I think too highly of myself and thought that I could handle what's coming for me. But I thought wrong, as always. I don't think I can pull through this.

Things fall apart so that better things can fall together.

If falling apart really allow better things to fall together, does that means I just have to wait?  

Bus Rides.

I love bus rides. Because I can spend so much time sitting down looking at the crowd, not just on the bus but also on the road. And bus rides give me a lot of time to ponder.. About my life, the people in my life and every other possible things. Yes, I simply love bus rides. 

Bus rides trigger a lot of memories for me. And usually when I choose to take bus over MRT, it's just a sign that I want to be reminded of the past, I want to reminisce or simply, I miss the past times. And yes, bus rides makes me emotional, very very emotional. But I love bus rides. 

The urge of taking bus rapidly increased lately and that only means I've been thinking a lot, missing a lot. The wonder of how two person met, how two person fell for one another, how they eventually decided to be together, how they actually experience the time and days spent with one another and how they finally decided to let go of what they had. I ponder over a lot of occasion thinking how do lovers last a lifetime. The stinging feeling when I see old couples walking down the streets, holding hands and still so loving. Filled with envy as to why it seems impossible for me. Only ended up telling myself because I have great friends and god is just being fair to me that I can only choose to have one instead of best of both worlds. Maybe in my last life, I've chosen great friends over great lovers.

Every inch of the house that I'm staying, is a memory that stings. I've not touch anything in my house nor my room. Everything remain where it was but things are different now, very different. The constant reminder of not thinking so much only to end up having myself drinking so as to be able to fall asleep. The urge of texting or calling had to quickly be dismissed because I know I shouldn't so as to let you move on, let us move on. I know I shouldn't and I won't. 

I need to pick myself up as soon as I can. I need to learn to stop worrying about you. I need to let you go completely. I need to stop having you in mind. It hurts a lot to do that but I know I have to. I need to convince my heart to listen to my brain. I need my heart not to be so stubborn. 

Bus rides seems to be more difficult than it usually is because imy. 

A Twist In My Story.

Thank you for your thank you(s).
I hope you will be happy from now on.

You have great smiles and you deserve to smile.
Sorry I can't give you happiness.

Take good care of yourself.
For the last time, I love you.
And goodbye, my love.